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by Lumi

Deleted at author's request.

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7 Reviews

Points: 344
Reviews: 7

Fri May 12, 2017 8:39 pm
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wallacies wrote a review...

I think its really important when writing a poem that you pick a topic and then allow the reader to swim around in it. That was definitely the feeling I got here - I've never been bungee jumping, I've never experienced the things expressed here as they are expressed, but I still related to "and how i've grown to trust neither." This line reminded me of Rupi Kaur in how simple yet impactful it is!

Thematically, I love the use of metaphor throughout the piece, and how easy it is to understand the concepts you're trying to get across. You're clear, but you don't force feed the reader your own emotions on the topic. Very nice! Whenever I read poetry, I always keep the Heaney quote "description is revelation" in mind, and I think that you're definitely on your way to discussing ideas in a deliberate and complex manner! <3

I think your opening and closing statements are very impactful. There's a constant theme that the voice of the piece made their own mistakes, and that led to their issues (rather than the person encouraging them).

Some brief points on your structure:
the repetition of "or" with "or if we've watched too many stars // or if we've shot down the earth" this sounds somewhat stiff. I'd consider taking out the second 'or'. The only major issue I found with the piece was things like this, where the flow is broken by your specific word choice. Another example is "when I say, when he told me to". Even putting 'that when he told me to jump' might make it flow a bit nicer. Obviously, this is all just instinctual issues I have with the piece when I read it, and you might not agree at all!

Do you mind me asking how many times you edited this before uploading it? I'm just curious! I've seen people write a poem and then rip it apart in editing so thoroughly it becomes a new poem - don't be afraid to hone what you've got here to a fine point!

All this being said, it was an enjoyable read. I'm not a big fan of poetry, due to often struggling to understand what the author intended to say - but here it's very clear what you're expressing (and i appreciate that!).

Lumi says...

Thank you, thank you, thank you! Tooooo answer your question directly, this is edit version 3. Normally my works posted here are closer to edition 10, but sometimes I just like to get preliminary feedback / I get editor's block and can't self-edit after a few points. I'm very glad I could make you feel something--and being compared to Rupi Kaur! Whoosh!

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176 Reviews

Points: 2933
Reviews: 176

Wed May 03, 2017 12:55 am
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Sheyren wrote a review...

Hey there, Lumiface! (I kinda have an obsession with that name, I confess)

Okay, let's take a whack at these three things you wanted reviewers to cover at the bottom.

a) Honestly, I didn't feel anything while reading this, except at one part, which I'll discuss later. It was a great poem, but I couldn't connect to it. It might be simply that I've never bungee jumped and thus don't have the background to relate to this metaphor. However, I don't think that's it. Using that logic, I wouldn't be able to feel anything reading any poem about relationships or true love.
No, I think the only reason I didn't feel this was because it didn't sound very serious. For instance, the line "he never cut the cord, you know". That "you know" part at the end just sounds so friendly and informal, compared to phrases of equal meaning, like "so you're aware", or "for the record". Of course, this is my own personal interpretation, so obviously it won't affect everyone. Still, you may want to keep in mind some of the things I brought up.

b) As I said before, I didn't really feel this piece. So answering this question is difficult. With the same inferred theme as Lizz below, I'm going to say that yes, the imagery really did fit the theme. Uh, I haven't got much else to say on that topic.

c) While the piece didn't fully resonate within me, the ending was so good. The metaphor within it was perfect, and I loved it so much. It was, inarguably, the one moment I felt what the narrator was saying. It was wonderful, and definitely the strongest part of the piece.
The beginning was, well, a beginning. Nothing more, Nothing less. I don't feel like it was a bad intro, and probably one that would be fine to model others after. But it didn't stand out as an intro. It was just your average intro.

Hope my answers helped, even a little. You're a better post than me, so I'm glad you have review guidelines, or I probably couldn't have helped at all.
Sorry I was a little harsh... I really did enjoy the piece.
Anyway, as always, keep writing!


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737 Reviews

Points: 7258
Reviews: 737

Tue May 02, 2017 6:22 pm
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CaptainJack wrote a review...

Hey there Lumi. Greetings from the After Watch shift. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
Oh author's notes. Thank you, this will go much quicker.

a. The emotions in this poem go through three main shifts: depressing to recollection of happiness to depressing. But the break down is interesting to me, because it's sort of dark humor in the final lines. I may or may not have laughed. I'm guessing you weren't trying for the reader to draw such an emotion from this but Death and I are good buddies. And if I were to consider a more literal side to this, I would say the reader felt fear at the mention of jumping off cliffs and staring blindly into love. I can never gauge my emotional reactions to literary works but if I were to be completely honest, I'd say a mixture of fear and happiness.

b. Smaller words darling, smaller words.
To me the theme was more along the lines 'lost loves make the heart weep the most'. So yeah that's a slightly odd theme but it's the best wording that I could find at the moment. And I say this certain theme because I was trying to find a place were the imagery and ideas worked together. You make it the point of showing this as lost love and move onto a bit more regret before the sun goes down.
I'm still processing all of the bits in the middle but the lines about stars were quite enlightening. (get it?) They bring up more philosophical questions to my mind and the minds of the reader. I just liked those spots and I don't really know how to comment on them.

c. Good job Lum. You followed the rule of always re-write your intro in your conclusion.
But in all seriousness, it was good to have the two pieces connect because you could separate them from the rest of the poem, and it would still send the mixture of feelings out to the reader. The strength of those two is that they connect but the weakness is that the mood didn't change at all. Like the last stanza is following more on the lines of the reflection but the beginning has this sound of not mournful. I think mournful is the best way to describe the speaker in the final bits.
Yes it was a depressive sounding voice in the beginning but it didn't sound like regret to me. It just sounded like 'I did this thing. It was stupid but I don't regret it.' And you're slowly making the journey towards this regretful look on a lover but it just doesn't seem to catch. The stanzas in between of memories didn't catch my attention because it was like they just weren't there in between. Like they were serving as a buffer in between the intro and the real truth.

I'm gonna roll out now. If you want to talk about the review, drop me a line here or on discord.
Have a nice day.
~Lady Lizz

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84 Reviews

Points: 350
Reviews: 84

Tue May 02, 2017 6:04 pm
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DragonNoir wrote a review...

In my opinion, this is very hard-hitting emotionally and also slightly enigmatic, but interesting. I think that the imagery and sentiment really came together very well, the idea about there being a continous loop of falls and the imagery of the falls being like bungee jumping were really brought together by your writing, along with a very good philosophical theme. The beginning is sets the standard for the rest of the story, and your beginning was very sharp and very deep, just like the rest of the story. I don't really see any weaknesses in the beginning. Moving on, the ending was also hard-hitting and finished off with a bang. I really can't figure out what could make it better, just keep on doing what you do! :)

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.
— Harold Coffin