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Emotional Things

by LukeStarkiller


Darkness engulfs the fires of passion

Red gives way to sappy beige

Under brook and over tree

A heron circles, flatulent.

-

Living in a mirror of desperate ghouls

I am not Grover Cleveland

Menaces to thousands of puppet trolls

Of Louisiana.

-

This nation is a bubbling brine

Twisted in swirling elastic heads

Pane effervescent, pain divine

For elemental curing of helpless fervor.

-

X and S are cryptic ciphers

Lullaby is drumming art

Charged spaghetti never fails

And conch.


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206 Reviews


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Sun Oct 29, 2017 8:48 pm
DeerInBacPac wrote a review...



Hello, E.E here for a possibly quick review and maybe some utter nonsense! Grim is here as well, drinking hot cocoa and being a slacker. *Grim looks over, glaring* So, lets get started. :smt020

So, the first thing I notice is that a bunch of places are missing commas. Those places would be "Darkness engulfs the fires of passion", "Red gives way to sappy beige", "Under brook and over tree", "Living in a mirror of desperate ghouls", "This nation is a bubbling brine", "Twisted in swirling elastic heads" and 'Lullaby is drumming art". Otherwise it flowed well and my favorite line would have to be "For elemental curing of helpless fervor.". It makes the poem seem even more urgent then it already is.

Now is when I dissect your poem and see if I can't get its meaning right! So, in your poem you are telling us, the reader, that our nation is in trouble. That people in general are. We are stirring up unneeded trouble day after day and it is just getting worse.

Overall, I liked the poem and keep up the good work! Happy Halloween! I really need to go now Grim has souls to reap and he needs more cocoa. He has a problem, seriously. Cheerio and fruit loops to you!




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Sun Oct 01, 2017 6:58 am
MandlynProductions wrote a review...



Good afternoon mr.starkiller. I like what you did here, making a satire of poetry. A form of writing that is exceptional when done right, but usually isn't. To be honest I had no clue what you were trying to convey. Of course, in most of the poems that were being made fun of, the same problem applied. This is impossible to decipher and probably total nonsense, but in all its the best jibberish I've ever read. My favorite line is "charged spaghetti never fails".




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Sat Sep 30, 2017 10:47 pm
rosette wrote a review...



Hi LukeStarkiller!

Hey, it's great you decided to share a poem even if it is, as you say, overly-dramatic-to-the-point-of-ridiculousness. I didn't find it overly dramatic, just confusing. You use so many different terms and unique metaphors, I found it difficult to decipher. I'm not sure what your message is here!

Red gives way to sappy beige? Red looks nothing like beige, so I don't see how they connect. The heron flying under the trees is a pretty picture but "flatulent" doesn't seem to be the right word to use. The line about Grover Cleveland really threw me off. For one, I don't know much about the guy, but this imagery is weird, comparing his "menaces" or "menace" of thousands of puppets in Louisiana to you. It was a bit of a stretch.
I like the imagery of "swirling, elastic heads", but then I'm not sure what you mean in the following two lines. The "charged spaghetti" was also a confusing shocker, and the ending fell flat: "And conch." You mean, conch doesn't fail like charged spaghetti?

I just feel overall confused by what you're trying to say. The only time you mention you, really, is in stanza two. You're living in a mirror of desperate ghouls, and not Grover Cleveland who did such-and-such a thing. Everything else is terms, metaphors and some imagery. I did like some of the phrases: "this nation is a bubbling brine", "lullaby is drumming art" and a few others I mentioned, but I don't see how they all connect and relate. I don't know what your message and theme is, and frankly, it's frustrating me. I would like to see some personalization - it's okay to do that.

Hope this helps,

~rosette






Thanks so much, Rosette. Don't worry; there isn't an underlying message and theme that you're missing. I tried to make this as ambiguous and therefore nonsensical as possible. I completely agree that "flatulent" isn't the right word, that the ending falls flat. These were all things I was trying to do in the hopes of making a weird and un-personalized non-poem. And I'm not sure if conch really does fail like charged spaghetti, but it just felt like the perfect non-ending. This is sort of a stream-of-consciousness piece, so that's why the imagery is so confusing and jumps around so much.



rosette says...


:) makes sense! Thanks for explaining!



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Sat Sep 30, 2017 10:36 pm
Kale wrote a review...



Hello there and happy RevMo (even if I am a bit late to the reviewing party)! I, a bold Knight of the Green Room, am here today to review you.

The first and third stanzas are easily my favorites in this; the first because it's both easily visualized and biting, in the same vein of vague description as the pieces it lampoons; the third because I am a sucker for wordplay and you had me at the pane/pain one. The first stanza is much stronger, however, because it's more concretely-grounded in that which you're poking fun at, and it's really the only stanza that's strongly-grounded enough to stand on its own.

The fourth stanza in particular falls flat because it jumps around in references, and that last line in particular is more non sequitur than stinging. You also run into the issue of readers completely missing the allusions you make via references as while most of these references are decently common, this piece relies too heavily upon them at the exclusion of developing the ideas it presents.

The piece winds up feeling like all bark and little bite as a result.

I would recommend expanding on a few core ideas and images and weeding out the others to keep this more targeted in its criticisms. Basically, make this cut deeper rather than broadly.






Re-reading my poem, I completely agree. The first stanza was a very good parody, but after that, everything became too random to be functional as a satire. I'll see if I can take out some of the specific allusions and maybe expand on the heron thing in a future version.

Thanks for your critiques!




"Perhaps it is better to wake up after all, even to suffer, rather than to remain a dupe to illusions all one's life."
— Kate Chopin, The Awakening