Yo Quiero Ser

I agree with Snoik. The first few lines did sound a little akward, but I loved the rest of the poem. I usually don't have much paitence for poety besides my own, but I thought this was really good. I like the imagery towards the end, and I thought thw whole thing flowed well. On a 1 to 10 scal I would give it aout an eight mostly for the confusion in the beginning. 'sides that, it was great.

Keep Writing!
Kay

Hi Lukan!

Okay, so your poem! The first couple of lines are kind of weird. Like, it sounds like you're trying to use words to evoke some sort of image, but you're not using the right words, or the words don't make any sense with each other! For example:

I want to be a bouncing ball,
always changing; taking it in stride. <-- Gah! This doesn't make sense. First of all, bouncing balls... change? They don't. Maybe in position, but not in their composition. So... what exactly are you changing? Your position? In this case... is a bouncing ball really appropriate to describe you?

I want to be a paper airplane,
going where the wind wills. <-- First of all, paper airplanes don't go where the wind wills. You have to throw them if you want to make them go anywhere... unless it's in a gust. And, do you really want to have that happen to you?

I want to be a pebble,
smoothed in the river's tide. <-- Rivers don't have a tide. Oceans do. Seas do. Even lakes do, to some extent. Rivers, however, have way too much convection to have any noticeable tide.

So yeah. Not quite a fan of your first opening lines, lol.

Anyway! The rest of your poem sounds kind of like these two songs, combined with each other, if that makes sense:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kkg9C2b6RlY <-- "Gallery Piece" by of Montreal

combined with this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yd-0wHETSSY <-- "Wanna B Ur Luvr" by Weird Al

I mean, it's okay! I love these two songs. But, it seems a bit weird. It sounds like you're trying to write this poem to someone special and reassure this person, but all you're doing is talking about yourself over and over again. It might be sweeter to change it so you're talking more about the conflict and less about yourself.

Also? The quote by Cory 'Mr.Safety' Williams is kind of out-of-place. I would get rid of it.

Wow, this was great. Enumerative poems can sometimes get a little tiresome, but you kept it smooth, especially by changing the beginnings from "I am" to "I'll be"; good way to keep it all together without letting it get monotonous.

And I LOVED the last line:

"If you live like you're dying, then you're already dead."