Published September 5, 2010
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141,411 Literary Works • 674,390 Reviews
In a poem as short as this, every spelling mistake you make, even if it's just one, is extremely noticeable. It never hurts to check the spelling of words you don't usually write out (or even ones that you usually do).
I agree with ilyaeelz on the too much punctuation, especially the question marks. I don't think that just removing bits and pieces here and there would work, though. Instead, I think rephrasing certain lines would work better.
For instance:
Grammatically, this line isn't phrased as a question and so should end in a period. However, rephrasing to "Is it here?" works. Though, considering the "Patience." and "Finally." lines, I think you intended this line to end in a period.
Another example:
"This is why?" has me thinking "Why what?" Combining these four lines into two and slightly rephrasing them would not only cut down on the number of question marks but make things clearer. One possibility: Why is this so simple? / Why more complex?
Nicely done! Certainly much better than what I expected from the title, and not nearly as cliche.
- The main thing is that you overuse question marks. I understand why they're there, and I've done similar things myself punctuation-wise, but in this poem it just overdoses and wearies the reader, and will probably confuse someone who hasn't seen similar poetry before.
- They might work better if you space them out; if you feel that's not an option, remove a few of them. Though if you do that, remove some of the periods as well, because right now you have end marks in each line, which is okay since it creates a very specific tone. Remove a few but not many, however, and it just feels awkward to read.
- As an example, you can retain the effect of these lines while removing the first question mark.
- The first period here could be removed, as well. Again, keep in mind that if you're going to remove any end punctuation you should remove a bunch.
- Not to nitpick, but 'jist' is spelled with a g.
Very nice overall. Keep writing! ^^