Since the day I saw your face,
My heart has fallen astray.
Now, maybe you'll bring me back,
Yes, today could be the day.
Whenever I gaze into your eyes,
My heartbeat shows the fear.
But not because I'm afraid of you,
No, I hold you close my dear.
I never want to let you go,
Never leave my sight.
I want to watch you forever and ever,
Even deep into the night.
But the day may come when we have to part,
This bliss may still subside.
So hold on to me forever,
I never want to say goodbye.
Day disappears and as night creeps closer,
We fall into a trance.
I feel my heart keep the beat,
As I do my lover's dance.
So when the dance is over,
What's left may be torn.
But never leave, hold on to me,
So I can forever feel your warmth.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi. This flows well.
I think that the second stanza is much stronger than the first. I really like;
"Day disappears and as night creeps closer,
We fall into a trance."
and
"As I do my lover's dance."
I think I'd bring the whole dance idea in earlier though.
I always find love poetry difficult because so much of it has been written that it's easy to fall into cliche. I'd go through this stanza and cross out all the lines that sound like something you've read or heard before, for example;
"Since the day I saw your face,"
"heart"
"gaze into your eyes"
"No, I hold you close my dear.
I never want to let you go,
Never leave my sight."
and
"So hold on to me forever,
I never want to say goodbye."
Instead, I'd look more closely at your subject. Why is he or she worth writing about? What specific things does he/she do, how does he move, what does he/she look like and sound like? Try to conjure him or her up for the reader and show your speaker's dependence on him/her through his/her actions rather than saying it outright.
Hope this helps.
Jas
This is one of my shorter ones that I chose to put on the site before my others. Please tell me if you think I could improve it in any way so I can keep it in mind for future poems.
thanks!