It's been so long
since I've heard your voice.
Since I've felt your touch.
I remember that fire,
that finger of flame.
That breath of smoke.
So subtle a reminder.
Internal burns.
Metaphoric scars.
Desperate to forget.
Walk away,
turn your back.
Longing to remember.
Your long lost laugh,
your forgotten smile.
Abandoned by hope.
Left behind.
Don't turn back.
Relinquished by trust.
Don't remember.
Can't forget.
Smothered by loss.
Denial,
Desolation.
Drowned by Memories.
Anguish and pain.
Animosity.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I don't think this poem was up to what it could be. So many people rattle away about memories but I think you were getting at something. While I understand that this was meant to be very eery, a little bit of rythym wouldn't have killed it. Maybe just one syllable extra in certain lines or that. My biggest problem with this was it was list like. By the time I get to smothered I forget the previous two stanzas. And while there was a good build up, had you concentrated one building a happy scene and decaying it could've been better. That's something you really need to think about with poetry. When you write it, it shouldn't be restricted by rules. But when you edit it you should use as many techniques as you can to perfect the poem. Finally, a few words will make me say what everyone on this site could hear (and would hear) eventually: Show, Don't Tell.
(Also, I think that Metaphoric scars part was unnecesary [the word metaphoric])
Otherwise,
Well done,
Your pal,
TheNewHero
I really like the way you used the short sentences in the short stanzas. Good use of few words to create the mood in this poem, too.
In this stanza:
I don't understand the "your". Is it the speaker of the poem, the person being spoken about, or the audience as a whole? Maybe you should change that or make it clearer, but that's just a suggestion.
Overall, good work!
It's good....Keep up the good work!