Chills.
Ice churns in my blood.
Racing to my slowing heart.
Fire.
I convulse as it pounds.
Can I deny it?
Red.
Sticky and hot, it gathers.
A puddle of muddled questions.
Fear.
Locked away in darkness.
The screams...
Agony!
Do away with this animosity!
But the shadowing desolation...
Love.
I endureth your pain now.
Oh, sweet tyranny...
Chills.
I've completed my mission.
But I lay now in cold blood...
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
hey there!
In terms of structure, this is one of the best poems I've seen on YWS in a long time. I loved the exploration of emotions and the choice of colourful language you used in each stanza. My favourite verse was this one:
Your punctuation is very experimental, which for the most I enjoyed, however you use the ellipses (...) twice and I wouldn't suggest using it even once. It applies a forceful dwell on something and there's nothing naturally paced about reading through an ellipses. Also, where you choose to use it I feel the lines would carry far more effect from a full stop as this would define it as something more definitive.
The interesting thing regarding this poem is what story it is telling. It's all very mysterious and extremely suggestive until the last stanza and I really liked that. The tale of emotion to emotion allowed for the readers to create their own story through your poetry. It has very individually tailored effect.
Anyway, it was very good, keep up the smashing writing.
Hope this helped,
Ben
Hi! ultraviolet here!
Okay, so for the most part, I like this. There are a couple of flow-breaking lines I've found, though.
This is shorter than most of the other lines - not including the stanza-starting lines. It disrupts the flow and makes me stop to try to find a way to say it so that it works. This is not a good thing.
This is a good line, but it has the same problem as the one above. I'd suggest using a descriptive word to lengthen this a bit, just to keep the flow.
Other than those two problems, I didn't find anything wrong with this poem. I like the pattern it follows, how you start with a single word, then go on to two longer lines. It makes a nice, simple flow. You have some nice descriptions in here, and it's easy to follow what you're saying.
But, though it matches with the song, I'd consider renaming this. When people think of "In cold blood," they think of "Killing in cold blood," not suicide, as I'm fairly certain you are speaking of. Or am I wrong? The name is misleading, giving certain expectations to the content. And if - and I'm pretty sure it is - this is about someone committing suicide, I'd consider changing the name. You don't have to, but it's a little confusing.
Hope I helped.
loveness, ultraviolet