Published November 30, 2009
I Hurt To Love You
He says he can't love me.
So I lied with a shaky breath.
"It's okay" I told him,
my soul has faced its death.
Painful to the touch,
the emptiness resides;
deep down inside me,
where I let my heart die.
To breath again,
with relinquished joy.
Should I remember,
love isn't a toy.
I wish I could hate him,
but I know I can't.
I don't want to love him,
but leave him I shan't.
My love isn't returned,
that's plain to see.
But what I wouldn't give,
for him to love me...
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141,440 Literary Works • 674,431 Reviews
Hi Rinta! How are you? I'm Kat, and I shall review now ^.^
So, first I'd like to warn you about a thing I'm sure you have already heard: this is a very common theme, so there are some clichés you'll need to watch out for. For example, there are these two separate lines that really disappoint me, because in my opinion, they really just bring the poem down a notch.
There, your saying exactly the same thing. So, one, the repetition is not working for the poem, and it sounds a bit too much like description than emotion. And I'm sure you meant to put in lots of emotion, like I noticed you did in some parts. So, please try to revise those two lines and think of ways that you can maybe spice up the language a bit?
Plus, going back to the cliché thing, there's this whole stanza that is waaaay too used.
I'd also like to point out another thing: the first stanza isn't a very good opening for me. As you can see, this is a society of young writers, meaning some will judge your poem from your beginning, and the start is also the part where you drag people into the poem. The start sounded to common for me, like I've read it before, until I reached the second stanza, where my interested sparked a bit. So, maybe some re reading and improving on the start? Remember, these are only suggestions
I like the little rhyme thing at the end, and the ellipses. Figures I didn't like the beginning but quite enjoyed the end xD
Side note:
This line is too awkward. It feels like it's just there to rhyme with joy.
So, good luck, and thanks for posting!
- Kat
Hi. So like me, you must love rhymes. I also write in complete rhyme patterns, but it can be tricky because some rhymes come out forced. Your emotion here is good, the feeling of the narrator is well defined. However, lines like "but leave him I shan't." have a tendency to detract from the overall poem. The rhyme is seems forced, and the rewording to get "shan't" at the end of the line is a bit awkward. Check out www.rhymezone.com it helps me find unexpected words, maybe it'll help you.
Woozey, please feel free to read anything you see in my profile.
~Lukan
Hi.
Your poem was beautiful! It reminds me exactly how I felt when me and my boyfriend were going through a rough patch.
Was it based on you?
You need capital letters when it comes to a new line but, apart from that, it was really good.
I'd love to read some more of your work.
Thanks for the read,
Woozey
x
I love it! Its completely perfect! I'm so honored that you listened to my critics and changed it.
I like the idea, but somethings are out of place. Such as "why didn't he try?" should be after "he let me fall" and why would he watch if he purposely tripped her? And did he purposely trip her or was it an accident? And if he didn't love her then you've already answered your question to "why didn't he try?" Which it seems a surprise to the girl telling the poem when she knew from the beginning he didn't really love her. And she shouldn't put all the blame on him when she willingly let him hurt her.
This isn't the original version of the poem, but I personally think it's much better than the original... So enjoy and please comment!!