Published January 19, 2012
Whisper to me, darling.
Tell me your lies.
Say you love me;
look into my eyes.
Surrealistic anguish
keeps me alive.
That light in the blackness
helps me survive.
I am my own artist,
but I paint with blood.
On my canvas of pain
I let emtions flood.
So call to me, sweetheart.
Use my name.
The agony you'll cause me?
Well, two can play that game.
The spell you have me under,
that sweet, septic tyranny.
You're killing me slowly,
and giving me no sympathy.
Now your heartless acts
drive my hostile creed.
What's left for me to do,
but sit, and cry, and bleed?
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141,357 Literary Works • 674,380 Reviews
This line is so much shorter than all the others, it breaks the flow of rhythm and, as a result, the rhyme. Rhyme relies upon a consistent pattern of rhythm to work; break that, and you break your rhyme as well.
Overall, this poem is rather typical. There's no real unique imagery or phrasing, and all the images and descriptors used are so common to the point of being cliche. Rather than write down the first thing that springs to mind, try thinking on an image in a way you've never heard it described before and explore that. It will make for more interesting reading and a more unique image, at the very least.
I really liked this poem! It flowed really nicely, and the rhymning felt natural. The words you chose really gave it a dark and melodic mood. I was just being carried throughout it. The poem sounded honest and I was able to feel for the narrator.This was very interesting and unique! There wasn't any grammar or spelling errors that I noticed. Lovely piece