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A Blurred Soul

by Luisa

Short Story: A Blurred Soul

By Luisa

The 17th of November is always chilly and overcast, with the last of the dying leaves blowing in the wind. Occasionally there is an evergreen waiting for the first snow, overshadowed by the empty spaces between their neighbor’s branches. Each street you turn down reminds you of loss--a blur of greys and the occasional flash of color that tempts you with joyous memories.

The day passes as it always has for the past eight years. Each second drags by like you’re carrying all of human history in your backpack--surely, that’s too much for a person to bear? The world is masked in a fog, a blanket that settles over everything and weighs on your limbs, your mind, your tongue. You strategically take your seat (the middle row, close to the door) and you dread each time you are required to talk. What do they see? Hear? Think?

At 3pm you walk home, the sky now a dull, stormy grey. Your head hangs and your shoulders sag beneath the shadows of expectations. Those who smirk in place of a smile would say you need something--a rebound after a breakup, some chocolate, those nice and peppy and very unreliable fixes. A car speeds past you, the slipstream whisking away the last of your motivation and energy.

Then you look a little to your left, catching a glimpse of a tall girl whose features are too blurred by the fog to make out. But she smiles, and you smile with your eyes because giving a full smile is draining, and it is enough to know she is there, that you do not need something.

Eating is unappealing today. At 7pm, the heavens have closed its shining gates and the trees cast eerie shadows by the light of the lampposts. The girl reappears by the crackling fire and sits there, intelligent eyes watching your slumped form as you stare into the embers. Neither of you speak, but she listens as your heart is emptied, pouring out in smoky tendrils practically visible in the night. She nods, drawing her knees to her chest, inky hair falling over her rounded face. Watching her intently, she looks ethereal in the firelight--an impressive contrast of pale skin against dark-ripped jeans and laced-up black boots.

The girl stands and offers her hand. Her entire image is a mirage, even more mystical than usual in the dim setting. You find your hand, slightly tanned and somewhat smaller, extending out to meet it. Do you really feel her hand, slender and caring? Do you want to know?

She leads you in a strange dance around the fire, giggling and gently teasing your shy reluctance to follow with her smile and eyes. You still don’t know what color her eyes are (maybe black, but really, what does it matter?). She is there, and that is enough. You remember this, and find the strength in yourself to let go a little bit.

She kisses your forehead, your cheeks, your lips, and you start to melt. She speaks for the first time, her voice clear inside your head. I know, she says, I know. And she is once again enough, because the abandonment and fear and depression built up throughout the day finally finishes its course through you, flushed out by a wave of bliss and quiet happiness.

You feel wonderment for this strange, impossible being. How--who--why do you deserve this? And the amazement increases still as the beautiful angel, white wings glowing so bright they awe the fire into submission, reminds you that You created me. I am part of you, don’t you remember? When you curled up on your doorstep and sobbed for a friend and ripped your heart in two because no one could understand. You created someone who will always understand. I am part of you, and I will always be here for you.

You smile at the shimmering image of your other self, not quite real but not quite imaginary either. Her smile back is enough. You are enough.

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Points: 293
Reviews: 2

Thu Nov 19, 2020 11:26 am
vaderanakin96 wrote a review...

Hi, this is my first review.

I actually tried to look at it from a critical lens, trying to look for flaws and dissect it as much as possible so that I would be able to point it out to you. But I'm sorry to say I couldn't do it.

Because, the story spoke to me! I lost myself into it! I have felt this way in my life and I still feel this way...that depression! I've felt it. So, the story really gripped me and held my attention tightly.

You have done a wonderful job. The ending really moved me. If this was probably a scene in a movie, I must admit I would have had tears in my eyes.

I wouldn't say there are no flaws in your writing. But I'm just saying that I could relate with the concept so much that I couldn't spot the flaws.

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Points: 132
Reviews: 37

Thu Nov 19, 2020 1:26 am
Lionhero333 wrote a review...

Hey there

(I dont like to call myself a reviewer but... This is a review and im doing it so...🤔)😁

Anyway, firstly I would like to point out that there isnt much description in the intro to the story. You did a better as I read on though, in general I guess it makds sense there isnt much description in the beginning but this beginning a short story every paragraph needs to stick to the readers minds, make them keep going to the point they cant control themselves and have to keep reading because their so invested.

As I read the last few paragraphs I felt a sense of calming and coolness and it brought me peace(yes I do have a fan on me but... Thats not the point) your made me feel thats all Im saying which is the most important thing.

I was a bit confused as to who the main character was. If your gonna emerse the reader make sure your VERY specific with your descriptions.

This was a good read. Thanks. And keep writing.🤙

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275 Reviews

Points: 15319
Reviews: 275

Wed Nov 18, 2020 2:31 pm
elysian wrote a review...

hello <3 Here to review your short story and hopefully help it on it's way out the greenroom <3

I'm a bit rusty on reviewing so I apologize in advance for that!

**disclaimer: I will most likely focus on negative aspects more so than positive aspects when reviewing, and this is just to help you grow as a writer! It is totally okay not to agree with something I say! Also, If I repeat anything already said, it's probably because it needs to be changed!**

While reading the first couple paragraphs, I feel, although this is a short story, there could be so much more detail and storyline. Really dive into showing us these things rather than plainly stating them, which will help hook the reader into the world more. I'm not used to 2nd person narration as much, so I'll admit at first it kind of made me uncomfortable, but I do like how it kind of puts the reader in the narrator's position.

As you move into the second part of the story, you get more descriptive and there's more of a story, which is what I was talking about above. I now understand why you kept it general so that the reader can really feel like they're in the narrator's shoes, but I think the first part could use more description like the second part offers.

Overall, a very beautiful concept, and I felt nice at the end, but I wish that I had felt more attached to the main character. Even though it was "me" it still felt like it was lacking some depth. Great start to a beautiful story though!

- del <3

The reason a boat sinks isn't the water around it. It sinks when water gets into it. Don't let what's happening around you weigh you down.
— dalisay