Published June 22, 2011
Just to let you know, I'm kind of new at this... 
The little girl's breathing was hard against the back of my neck. She was panting heavily, I could easily tell she was just as afraid as me. We were hiding behind a tree in the middle of a forest. The tree were casting shadows on the forest floor. The full moon was clearly visible through the trees.
"Shhhh... Emma, we need to be quiet!" I whispered quietly, turning around to face her. I wrapped my arms around her slightly, to try and calm her down.
There was goosebumps on my arms from the cool niight air. I had given my jacket to Emma in a attempt to keep her warm.
"Sorry, Belle!" She whispered back. "I'm just a little bit scared. What will happen if they find us?" She had a slightly panicked look on her face.
"It's okay! I won't let them take you away again. I promised mum that I would take care of you! She will not have died in vain. We'll be okay, I'm sure of it." I felt a little bad. I knew for a fact that once they found us, we would be killed. But I didn't want to worry her. She was only seven, afterall.
In the distance, I heard a shout and a loud bang, making a bush near us catch on fire. They were using their magic on us. There was no way to run without catching on fire.
They had caught us. There was no way whatsoever to go.
"Emma... I need you to run as soon as I get out from behind this tree. I'll destract them. Run as fast as you can, okay?" She open her mouth to argue. "No arguements! Just run!"
And with a nodded and the tremble of her lip, I stepped out for them ememies to see me. I dared not turn to look at Emma.
"Look! There's the big one! Fire at will!" And those were the last words I ever heard. I just hope Emma got away in time.
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138,312 Literary Works • 672,102 Reviews
If you corrected some errors, this would be good. But I think it needs more detail.
That's okay! You have good skills and great potential...
Just notify me anytime!
If you ever have a question, people are very helpful. Just send someone a personal message and no doubt they'll help you or suggest another member. I'm open to answer any questions, but I'm also new to this site.
If you ever want anything of yours to be reviewed, I'd be happy to look over it for you
-Brie
Thank you for your help! Like I said, I'm new to this site, so I'm not quite used to it. Thanks again!
Overall this was pretty good. Especially for being "new" at this, as you said.
Your sentences could be combined to give it more flow. Otherwise, you read it choppy, and fragmented.
More description is also something that needs to be added. Here, you don't describe enough. I don't get a feel for what each character is feeling themselves. You've told us they were scared, now "show" us. Describe the feelings. Did they're hands shake? Were they restless?
You could do that for the scenery to. The first paragraph should be expanded with that if wanted. When you combine some of the sentences, make sure you ad more adjectives. They seem to be lacking that. And not just dull ones. Ones that will really give a look to it and catch the readers eye,
This is not necessary, because it may not be a main point in the story, but you could give more of a background on whats happening. Why are they going to get killed? Who is after them? Again...this isn't necessary.
I think you meant "trees" not tree?
The coma isn't needed. And to avoid starting all your sentences with "I," this could be reworded. Something like- "To try and calm her down, I wrapped my arms around her." Just a suggestion. Not needed though.
In the third paragraph, night is spelled wrong. One "i."
What made the bush catch on fire? The loud bang? Doesn't quite make sense to me...
That's all I have to say. There are more little grammatical errors, but if you reread it you'll see them I bet. This piece was good. Just remember to put emotion into it. I felt nothing. Your characters seem as if they are made of rock. You use the words, "Slightly," and "little," making it seem as it's not a big deal. Maybe it is they're personality and they aren't afraid to face death? But focus more on they're emotions. Make us feel what they do.
Great job, I'm looking forward to hearing more from you.
Welcome to the site!
-Brie
This is pretty good! There were a few mispeliings and erros. Make sure you read through your work before submitting it first. Also, give a little more details. Why were they hiding? Who is Belle and Emma? Who are the people who are trying to find them? See what I mean? By the way, welcome to YWS and good luck!!!