Published June 16, 2015
Once upon a time,
the Universe was opaque,
a curtain of particles
flying densely through space.
380,000 years ago,
we wouldn’t have been able
to see directly in front of us.
The light reflecting from
your eyes (that familiar light)
would shoot outward like
it dipped gently into a prism.
Your face, a captured photograph
viewed in a dark pool.
Your smile would distort
before the light could even
whisper its message in my ear.
I wouldn’t have been able to
recognize you,
380,000 years ago
(if
I could have survived).
But this transparent Universe,
this place with distance between protons,
this place where we can breathe…
It’s open, but uneasy
like the sea rocking underneath the
surface of the moon Europa.
Your light no longer shifts and bends
behind a curtain, rustling with a breath.
The messages now are clear (I think).
Yet somehow I can no longer
catch that reflection,
that familiar light in your eyes.
380,000 years later,
is the Universe really so
transparent?
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,890 Literary Works • 673,701 Reviews
Hi there Lucky_Duck! Niteowl here to drop a quick review!
I saw this earlier when it was in the Green Room and really wanted to comment, but I didn't have time. My first impression was...lovely imagery, but I think your facts are a little off. After all, 380,000 years is a drop in the ocean of geologic time. By 380,000 years ago, the dinosaurs had long since come and gone and humanoids walked the earth.
I did a little more research and I think you misunderstood the information you were given. The phenomena you're referring to actually happened 380,000 years after the Big Bang, which was 13.7 billion years ago. See here for more info.
That said, I think you could tweak this poem to make it more in line with the facts. Besides that, you have some lovely imagery. Let's go through the poem.
"Once upon a time" is so boring and does a disservice to the good stuff in this poem. The curtain imagery is so cool, I think you should open (heh) with that. I'd also watch out for adverbs like "densely". One possibilty: "When the universe was born, it wove a curtain of particles" That might not be the greatest example, but think about how you could make this image stronger.
Aside from the inaccuracy, this feels like a bland statement. I think you could find a more interesting way to discuss this, possibly continuing the curtain image. Alternatively, you could move into the next section "For 380,000 years, the light reflecting..." but I think this would be a little jarring.
Love this! One nitpick: I think "as" would be better than "like" at the end of the third line.
I like the first two lines, but they don't feel like they belong anywhere at the moment. Maybe reword it so it flows better. Love love love the next three lines.
I think this idea needs to be expressed, but it's a little boring. Maybe you could do something playing off the curtain idea again, like "For 380,000 years, I would have never seen you even if you were woven into me."
Not a fan of the ellipse here. I also think this is a little wordy.
I want to like the Europa image, but it seems contradictory. How can a sea trapped underneath ice be open? I suggest using the idea of tension and struggling to break free. Also I would slash "the moon", as it's clunky.
I like this.
This is a little weak. A: It doesn't work with the real timeline and B: I'm usually not a fan of poems that directly ask questions at the end. This could be remedied by playing with that curtain image again "and I wonder if that curtain was ever lifted" or something like that.
Overall, I like some of the ideas and imagery in this piece, but the wording could be stronger in places. Keep writing!
Thanks, I wanted to mention my own confusion about the date, and my lack of awareness of any particle soup happening back then.
Hi
The poem has a good concept. The inner thoughts are revealed but the words are not catchy. It's quite thoughtful poem and the way of progression is touchy and cool. But words are quite colloquiel. The language could have been more beautiful.
Overall the poem was really good. My mind could never think of such great concept.
This is really interesting and it's a take I haven't ever really seen before. It's some pretty high level stuff, topic wise so I'm guessing some people aren't going to understand fully-like, I'm sure they'll get the message but anyway. I like how you tackled the issue because it didn't come across as sappy and cliche. There are some parts that don't flow perfectly but that could just be because I'm half asleep. Regardless, really good!