my eyes
see the world
all full of
the bright-eyed folk
and cry.
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Great use of alliteration and description! "with silver necklaces and unlocked doors" was my favorite line. I don't think you need to nix anything, but for some of the longer lines I felt like a comma was needed.
However, this seems to be part of the style, so ignore that piece of advice as you see fit.
Can't wait to read your other stuff
Thank you! You know, I love showing this poem to people more than any other poem I've written, because it's fascinating to see how a line speaks differently to each person for personal reasons. I think I may decide to break a few of the lines up into two.
Hey this is an interesting poem, it has a very interesting structure which i like. There are a few things that i would like to point out.
I would suggest possibly putting in some commas and full stops so that it makes reading it easier because otherwise it is just one big long paragraph. All it could possibly take is putting a comma at the end of most lines where it would be appropriate.
I found "with billows of smoke rising like phantoms from the redbrick chimneys" a bit to long for me and it stopped the flow of the poem, Maybe try something like "with black smoke rising from the the redbrick chimney"
Okay so that wasn't that good an example but do you get what i am trying to say. Just try shortening it somehow.
i did love "with dog-eared pages of childhood fairy tales" i thought that was great.
I also love the last 5 lines.I think they are great!
I know that this isn't the best review but i hope that you got some tips or maybe just some advice out of it.
Like i said i really enjoyed on it but just work on the overall flow of it
Love Nargles xxx
Thank you for the review! I do understand where you'rr coming from about the flow of the piece, and I actually did have second thoughts about that particular line. I'll try adding some punctuation and shortening that line a little. Glad you enjoyed it!
...you're*. >.>