Published November 10, 2007
Scrape a knee,
break a bone,
That doesn’t hurt.
Love someone,
Lose someone,
That doesn’t hurt.
Have the power to stop and save
But in the end lose all?
That doesn’t hurt.
Like a puppet, lost in illusion,
It doesn’t hurt.
But when the master drops a string,
That’s when it hurts.
Disillusioned to have power,
but find it’s all a lie?
To find out you didn’t matter,
To know you’re just a tool?
That’s when it hurts.
I envy those who
mix hurt with pain,
cry when they don’t do enough,
or scream when they break a bone.
For them, that’s all that hurts.
I grieve the loss of something fake,
But hurt in itself is a teacher, a lesson.
When I bloom away from this dirt,
I will be all the stronger for it.
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139,664 Literary Works • 672,645 Reviews
Hey guys!
Thanks so much for the comments! But... heh... this piece is almost half a year old... which, in writing standards, puts it as ancient... almost mummy old.
Might I re-direct your crits to draft 2 of my tree poem?
Dreamer
I loved the 'Scrape a knee, break a bone' intro, but the repeating of 'that doesn't hurt' really irratated me. In my opinion, repetition works in some cases, but this isn't one of them.
I think you should've repharsed it, since I see what you were trying to do. Maybe instead of 'that doesn't hurt' every time, try variety. You know 'doensn't faze me' or anything that sounds good to match with the rythym.
There should be a semi-colon instead of a comma.
I really like the last stanza and rythym. The poem had a nice message and tone. Pretty tough person, huh?
Shall I look for more?
I really liked it.Except for the last paragraph,i really think you could have wrotten a better ending.
though everything else is great!
The first stanza was rather list-like for my taste. It also lacks much of a subject, seen in the lines: "That doesn't hurt./Have the power to stop and save/But in the end lose all?" This part is unclear, and a little shaky because I don't know what you're referring to. I also find it rather generalized in terms of content, the idea of being stone-faced through loss.
In the rest of the poem, there are additional lines that seem to need subjects, and a few vague "it"s that seem a little lost. (ex: "Disillusioned to have power,/but find it's all a lie?")
^I think stanzas like this one could be worded a little more carefully. Maybe skip the "I envy" and use careful word choice so the reader sees from those words that your feelings are of envy.
^ The phrase "I will be all the stronger for it" and all its variations is becoming such a common phrase that it easily loses its meaning, especially at the end of a piece. Go deeper: how will you be stronger for it (keeping in mind the same idea of word choice to show emotions from before)?
I like it. I think the only bad part to me was the first stanza. Yeah, it really didn't do much for me. But other wise, this poem was lovely.
CrewGurl
I read the first half an hour ago, and I just read the second half. Why did I stop in the middle? Because the first half was terrible, repetitive, chant-like--worse than cliched. But the second half was amazing. I really felt the emotions there--they stood out effectively, and the images, metaphores were original and beautiful.
Delete the first stanze--that's a must.
I'll actually suggest leaving only the last two stanzas--they're that good. I'll only comment on them, though. They are simply suggestions--don't overlook them, but don't ignore them either.
I envy those who
mix maybe you should find a better word; mix is too visual for this hurt with pain,
cry again, you could do better than "cry" when they don’t do enough,
or scream you could do better when they break a bone.
For them, that’s all that hurts.
I grieve the loss of something fake,
maybe add another line here to show how you grieve? Describe it? (crinkles under my eyes, sobbing--they betrayed me!)
But hurt in itself is a teacher, a lesson.
When I bloom away from this dirt,
I will be all the more stronger for it.
PM me for questions!
This is really good.
i enjoyed reading it.
kim