Pet pan. (A broken bird)

Hey there and welcome to YWS! I'm June,

It seems as if you've gotten several valuable critiques on this already, so to save being redundant, I'll keep this brief. My first impressions of this poem were that you had the intention of delivering a message more than you wanted to rhyme here, but you wanted to keep the rhyme scheme. I don't fully agree with with speakerskat when she says that your rhyme scheme is uneven; rather, I think your line metering is uneven so you have unmatched amounts of syllables as you move from line to line which makes your poem feel more like a collection of fragments than a story being told.

To remedy this I would suggest writing out what you want to say in this poem, regardless of rhyme scheme, dear, which would enable you to see your thoughts laid out before you. From there you can work on organizing your thoughts into a rhyming pattern. As you have it now, some of your lines seem rather forced because they are being pressed into a rhyme scheme rather than it happening naturally, which leads to some of the lines not making as much sense as they could.

Hope that helps some! Best of luck,

June

Hey there Fellow Writer! Speakerskat here to review for The Tsunami Tyrants!

What a nice twist on the name peter pan!
Your rhyme scheme was sloppy though and was never constant. That seems to be a pattern in your writing. Try writing your piece then going back and doing this

1. re arrange lines or change ending words to rhyme
2. Count your syllables to keep a nice steady rythm
3. Delete and unnesssary words that take away from the flow, rhyme, or rythm
4. try to add poetic devices

A profound writer here on YWS once told me " A good metaphor may not sound as nice as a rhyme but it is worth a whole lot more." and I hope you improve as a writer from that quote as I have !

I really loved it and it really said a lot uing very few words which is something I can not do and although your rhyme scheme wasn't constant you still had an excellent rhyme going on here !
"I have sorrow upon my wings,
I ponder over these petty things.
The burden has never risen,
there was no act of division."
This was my favorite stanza , but perhaps write it like this instead
"There is sorrow upon my wings,
This burden has never risen,
I ponder petty things.
With no act of division."

ponder over is excessivly unnessary and that basically means I think over think over many things or I over think over many things.

I really did love it, that's why my review is so long because I would like to see this poem edited and it's full potential realized!

Keep it up
~Speakerskat

Hello!! :3 Let's start.

During this whole poem while reading this, I never felt as if it was about Peter Pan. I felt a bit more pain, more injury in this. You PUT Peter Pan in there, but the idea itself never really revolved around him. Maybe change the title to not confuse the reader?

Also, some lines didn't make the greatest of sense. It was a bit confusing at parts. Here for instance:
"I want you to take heed,
but you've never planted that seed.:

What are you trying to say here?

"Have I gone mad?
or am I just glad."

Try rewording this. It sounds a bit off. You just need a little tweaking here and there but it is a good poem!!

Maybe work on fluency a bit more, but some parts seemed chopped up and hard to read at points. Try adding more figurative language. Even though I felt your pain, I didn't feel anything. I just felt as if I was just hearing it. Add metaphors, strong language, to make the reader FEEL something.

Hope you find this helpful!!

Hey Love,

I'm just stopping by for honest feedback. If you want to chat it over some more, or if you have any questions at all, just shoot me a PM, I promise I don't bite! So!

Reading this poem, I immediately think about heart break, injury, a speaker who has fallen and is determined to get up again by the end. It's a great premise for a poem, but it just needs a little spice/something to differentiate it from all the other poems of its kind.

There's not enough Peter Pan in this poem for me to really think it's about Peter Pan, and even the reference to it feels half hearted. It was really just kind of thrown in there in the end, so I wonder if you had intended for the poem to be about Peter Pan originally, or if it just sort of took that turn on its own? If you want to make it about Peter Pan -- Peter Pan is whimsical, fantastic, it's childish and playful -- you can evoke all of those tones and images and still make it dark/sad/somber. Focus on creating images! Anyway, just suggestions as to how you can play out the Peter Pan element, if you wish to go that route, though imagery can be a great help to this overall.

The poem is fine on its own if you just want to convey a message, and you do a great job of structuring your rhymes and rhythms, but if you're just wanting to convey a message, you could easily just write the message itself in a single sentence. It's not enough for a poem to convey a message that rhymes - a poem needs to have impact, and you get that by saying as much as you can in as little words as possible. You want your poem to be memorable and to evoke powerful emotions and images to the reader. That's how you get them to want to read it over and over again!

Your poem seems to want to create impact through storytelling. There's a narrator/speaker here who is hurt, and she's telling us more or less how she feels.

Maybe instead of just stating it -- you can create a scene in the poem and show us instead! Aha, the infamous "Show, don't tell" applies to poetry as well! By using metaphors/imagery, you can tell a story, evoke emotion, portray a scene that grips and entices us all in one stroke! Do that by using specific words and images, and by using rich and vivid verbs and nouns!

Compare your first stanza to:

I'm a troubled parakeet
the lonely one with crippled feet,
struggling on my journey's swing
where no one's there to hear me sing.

I'm an injured bird,
seen but never heard.
I want you to take heed,
but you've never planted that seed.

Good punctuation, grammar, spelling.. this poem has it all! I do love this paragraph, when I read it I picture a girl, broken down, sad, always clutching a journal, with headphones in her ears. No one seems to understand her. My mind is going crazy, I love this already!

Have I gone mad?
or am I just glad.
One day you helped me,
I'll repay you, just wait and see.

Ok, the Or needs to be capitalized. either than that, this is good.. great! Again with the girl, I picture a boy. He helps her through the rough times as he is going through a rough time as well. They are friends. He starts to be bullied, so she comes up with a plan to help. Lol, I absolutely love this poem, you can put your own personal connections to it.

I have sorrow upon my wings,
I ponder over these petty things.
The burden has never risen,
there was no act of division.

She thinks and thinks and thinks of a plan to help. This poem, another thing I like about it, it uses a great rythm.


I contemplate,
then wonder what was with the hate.
You watched me in pain,
and expected me to stay sane.

Friendship is a powerful thing, thats what I picture. Another thing I love about this poem, it is almost perfectly flawless

You have some nerve peter pan,
I just want to kick the can.
No sir get off your high horse,
while I remorse.

They help each other through bad times, the guy and the girl. That is my connection. I do love the peter pan reference

I will soon fly again,
not fall like a hen.
I will succeed one day,
then I won't have to pay.

Wonderful poem! only one thing I saw that needed correcting, that could take maybe 5 seconds, really easy. Just capitalize the or. This poem is flooding with pain, regret, remorse, but its also a mood to never give up, it gives life lessons. I connected my own meaning to it, then went back and thought again on what this could mean. and again. It has many meanings . My question, what is the original meaning? If you don't mind..
But anyway, this poem is great! I absolutely love it. Keep writing, I would enjoy to read more by you!