She feels unheard. She has no voice. That's not how it always was though, she was happy and full of life. Then it happened. It. She holds it inside of her everyday, when she tries to explain they don't listen, she's a leaf in the wind. Leah Whaite hates society. Why? Because she believes they hate her. They made her leave, that's what her parents made her do. She used to fit in. Not anymore. She used to laugh and have fun. Not anymore. She wonders why her parents let her go. All the love she had to give, left behind in the lonely house filled with nothing but sorrow. Unloved. A ward of the state, no one to turn to. How can something this horrid happen to someone so young and innocent? Leah is 12, she was 11 when her parents let her go. Leah doesn't know what normal is. She's so beautiful. Hazel eyes, blonde wavy hair. She keeps to herself when she is around the people at school, when she's alone she is in a different world. A world only she knows about. Where Leah Whaite is heard.
She's at school right now. The girls are talking about her, how they hate her. They don't even know her story. They know the title.
"Leah honey, come here!"
She comes obediently. It's the social worker.
"Hey Leah, do you mind if I talk to you in private for a minute?"
"Sure." Leah mumbles
Adrianne Henches, the social worker leads her to a spot near the trees outside.
"So sweetie, I know you like to be alone, but we found a family who really wants a child, and they would like to meet you!"
" Well, um, Ms. Henches, when do I... meet them?"
Adrianne looks at her watch.
" Hmm, It's 2:30 right now, they're gonna be there in 15 minutes. So I'll take you out now. Go get your backpack, and I'll sign you out in the office."
"Okay, I be there in a minute. See you soon."
Leah leaves the playground and enters her classroom. She gets her backpack then leaves to the office. She notices Adrianne socializing with other adults as usual.
"Are you ready to go?"
" I guess." Leah quietly says
They walk into the parking lot and Adrianne carries on a one-sided conversation. She pops the trunk then Leah puts her backpack in the back as the car starts. She opens the door as the strong smell of leather curdles in her stomach.
"So are you excited to meet this family?"
"Yeah. Sure."
"Well I'm excited for you. I've been hoping a family would take you in. You're at a tough age where you need a mom figure."
"Oh. So who are the people we're meeting?"
"The Banne family, Victoria Banne: She's the wife, then Parker. They seem very nice and welcoming..."
"Yeah."
The car goes to a stop and Adrianne turns off the engine.
" Are you ready to go? This is something you don't want to screw up, it's rare that someone will take in someone your age..."
"Yes."
They walk into the orphanage. There's a younger couple talking and smiling. They stand up and introduce themselves.
"Hello sweetie, I'm Victoria, What's your name?"
"Leah"
They shake hands.
"I'm Parker. Victorias husband. How are you?"
"Good, How are you?"
"Great!"
Adrianne butts in.
"Leah, excuse us a moment, we should be less than 10 minutes!"
"Oh ok, sounds good."
Leah sits nervously, hoping for acceptance. Then moments later the three come out of a hallway, laughing.
" Yes! I totally agree!"
Adrianne then grabbed Leah to the side gently.
" Leah, we're going to see how things work out, you'll live with Banne family for a while and we'll see how things work out, okay?"
"Okay, but is there a chance that these changes could be permanent?"
That was the most anyone had heard Leah say.
" Well, that choice depends on your behaivor and how you and this family get along."
"Okay."
End of part one. (To be contuinued)
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello there! Nice to see you've written a story. Here's my review of the first chapter:
Now the title is quite different. Mysterious and I like it. But I dont quite get the implications of the title. She's a leaf in the wind. What does it mean? Does it mean that she's lonely ? Or does it mean, she's one of many? That was one thing.
The story is quite good, although it would have been better if you had explained more of her situation. Why does everyone hate her? Why did her parents leave her? Thats just my curiosity talking which means I cant wait for the next chapter!
I cant wait to find out what happens to her next!!!
Excited!
Good job!! Kudos to you! And may I say I just love the style of writing you've used!!
Keep up the good work!
Hi there!
I really enjoyed reading this. You've got a good solid idea here and I definitely think you can build off of it. Onto the review:
I'm glad you could finally get your piece submitted
I definitely think you should break up the first paragraph into a few smaller ones that way you can put emphasis on certain parts. Right now it's very choppy. You end up moving from one thing to another without really pausing to think. Try and slow down a little. I think breaking this up into a few more paragraphs will help you achieve that.
"She's at school now. The girls are talking about her, how they hate her. They don't even know her story. They know the title."
*I think this part is important to your story so I want to help you make it just a bit more powerful. I really like your word choice for this part. It's far from plain and written well. I applaud you. Now, if you just add some punctuation in here you could make it just a bit better. Try writing it like this:
"She's at school now. The girls are talking about her-oh how they hate her. She isn't deaf though; she can hear them. But they don't know anything of her story. All they know is the title: Leah."
Do you see how that adds another dimension to what you wrote? I always find it amazing how a few added semi-colons or a line break can change everything in a story. It's just another thing I love about writing. Feel free to use the part I wrote out or you could just scrap it. Doesn't matter to me either way.
I must say, you're dialogue is very realistic. I can totally see this conversation happening in real life. I do have to point out that there is an awful lot of dialogue in this piece and not enough description to balance it out. Make sure to add some description in there occasionally. Tell me about the setting or how snobby and annoying the other girls are. Tell me what Leah looks like. Tell me what Leah is thinking at certain times. If you add in this and more, you'll have a great story with wonderful descriptions.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**