returning home, back to sea

Hello! This is loveissourgrapes and I am here to review/comment about your poem that was posted on a date I wasn't so active on because I had a lot of other plans. This feels very summer-y, I love it. And the mentions of the sea and beach, yeahh. This is may be short because my hands are pretty tired from typing but I will still review it because it's good.

You have describe the ocean/sea as old memories and thoughts when you see the sea. This may be short but it is nice too. Whenever someone feels down or homesick, they can read poems like these that say, "returning home" because is part of our hearts unless they break your heart and your home is broken. This poem feels warm and imaginative. Good choice of words.

Overall, it is great. Keep it up! Have a nice day/night!

This poem is just gorgeous, Lovestrike! You hit some really great lines in here with a conciseness that's almost like a tanka or haiku. Each word feels very intentional - even from how you use alliteration and assonance throughout.

I also am partial to the title as my name actually means to "return home". :] and I love a good homesick poem too; it's my favorite genre.

This poem doesn't so much communicate a story to me, but almost the promise of a story and a very specific mood of longing, nostalgia, memory, and heartbreak. I sort of interpreted the poem to be a speaker stuck in the same place longing after a love that used to be very very close and now they are physically separated and yet the narrator still feels in the same spot (emotionally) as they've always been - at one time their love was like a twin or echo to them, but now they are two halves of one heart / broken and unknowing of their former selves. I think the poem could be about sibling love very easily because of the reference to being small, and returning home.

My main critique is that I don't love the punctuation of stanza one - there's something about the phrasing that feels a little off in the third line - I think "rocks" is a hard word to use because it's one of those words that can mean 12 different things including nouns and verbs, and could be a modifier of ocean or ocean could be a modifier of rocks, and then "twins" can also mean a few different things, so it just isn't instaneously clear what is meant. Of course readers are going to figure it out, but it creates a clunky experience in your head while reading I think.

If you just read the line, "rocks twins of these" I don't know that anyone would know what it meant. You could try to save that line by adding a comma, semi-colon, or colon after "rocks" - but I would probably go for a different image or phrase. I think the second line could also benefit from a comma for clarity "same sun, different ocean,"

Another little critique - I think in the final line you meant "two halves of a heart" rather than "two halves of heart"

I think the poem is the perfect length to get your point across and that it says enough to communicate some clear emotion / conflict / scene without being ambiguous or repetitive. I think the poem could benefit from some punctuation for clarity, but I think the lowercase aesthetic works well here.

Overall a good read! Thanks for posting, keep writing!

alliyah

hey again sol!

i've had parts of a review written for this for a while, so might as well finish it.

in a place like this one
same sun different ocean
rocks twins of these

time ebbs
and i am small again

waist deep in the shallows
where every incoming wave
feels like drowning

who were we then
standing on the shoreline
separated like
two halves of heart

Hey there,

I'm here to leave you a review!



First of all, I think this story describes the best way of when you are standing at a beach on the sand. I think this poem reminds me of a poem @Mikatsune wrote. Serene sands

I like these sentences very much: the "rocks twins" and the "waist deep in the shallows" I like your stanza's too, they are neatly organized and the poem it not too long. You did a great job bringing this little story to live.

The word that stood out the most was, Shoreline. I mean like, wow. It is just the perfect word. Like the missing piece in the puzzle.

Overall, I thought this poem was very nice and diligently written. You did a great job! I would suggest checking out Mika's poem too, that one is also very nice.

Have a nice day or night! Keep up the amazing work!

Amazingly yours,
Rinisha

Aloha!

I recently read your captivating poem, "Returning Home, Back to Sea." And I am here with a quick review with some shell-ightful delights...

Very first of all, your skillful word choice and emotional depth resonated with me. The vivid atmosphere you create transports readers to a sun-kissed ocean where rocks resemble twins.

Your portrayal of time's ebb and the speaker's vulnerability impressed me. The image of wading waist-deep in the shallows, where each incoming wave feels like drowning, evokes trepidation and heightened emotion.

The conclusion, with two individuals standing like halves of a heart, leaves lingering questions and a sense of longing.

Consider exploring additional sensory details to further immerse readers. Vary sentence structures for a dynamic rhythm, reflecting the ebb and flow of the sea.

"Returning Home, Back to Sea" is a remarkable work showcasing your talent for evoking emotions. I anticipate more of your captivating writing.
Keep exploring your poetic powers!


Me,

Red Riddle Rose