Roses are Red

The poem is good. I like that it's all consistent with the theme, and that it acts sort of like a story, explaining a little more as you read farther along. I also like that you made it a part of yourself, conveying your own thoughts and feelings, rather than just writing out some random things that you might have thought of.

On a more review like note, I think there are a few grammatical things that, if you changed, would make it all the more better;

"As the Sun rises high

Night falls in my mind

The stars glitter brightly

Each with their own sparkle"

The first line there has to many syllables, so it kind of sticks out from the rest of the lines around it, same with the last line. My suggestion would be to take out the "high" from the first line, which doesn't change the meaning at all, and take out the "own" in the forth line, which also doesn't change the meaning. This will shorten the lines so that they create a natural stanza, since the third line has 6 syllables.

"Cosmos whisk by

Galaxies of lost words

This is my own

My universe is strange

And just a bit broken"

Here you have five lines that go together, to create an almost-stanza, but not quite. This also doesn't fit in with the flow of the poem all to well, but that could be remedied by simply adding in another line to make it an even number.

But other than those few simple things, I thought the poem was very nice and unique.

Thank you LovelyStars17!

Hi LovelyStars17,

I personally think your poem benefits from an abundance of punctuation, so I have no problem with the way you've formatted things here - it is, at least, consistent.

However, if you're going to do this there needs to be some stanza breaks (I understand it is difficult to upload things on YWS if you use copy and paste, so take some time to format your work and preview it so it is presented with your intentions).

The triple-repetition of "see" to start three of your lines reads a little lazily and nulls the overall emotion and meaning portrayed in those lines. Repetition can be a good tool to use but you should ensure you do so effectively and, much of the time, sparsely.

Your strongest lines are your opening four because they interest readers by subverting the expectations of a cliche. However, they sort of seem irrelevant to your poem. Even though it all falls under the themes of observation, the way you progress from these four lines seems a little broken and, as a reader, you lose me. The lyrical structure of your poem reads, by sound (phonetically), very well, but you should drive in a focus and provide more clarity on a subject that reflects the feelings and meaning you're intending to portray.

Overall this is a good start. I'd just take it, work with it, rewrite it and see what comes out next! Keep it up.
Ben

Hello! I'm here to hopefully give you a helping hand.

I really liked this. A LOT!! So therefore I'm not going to hound you with so many suggestions and things that you should add if, maybe you already know that.

However there are a few grammatical errors that show up throughout your piece. As in the commas or periods that should be found at the end of each line. I get that it's difficult to remember, and I do that more than not also, but if you go back and fix it up it'll be near perfect.

Overall, with a tiny bit of work, you'll truly have an amazing piece.

-WTBH

Hi, GreenTulip here to give you an insightful review.

Okay, I am going to be blunt- I am going to offer some suggestions for ways you can make this better. So Here it goes for some formatting and punctuation issues I see:

"Roses are Red(Insert a comma here, as you are listing things)

Violets-(I inserted the - to replace the "and" that is stated there) Deep Purple(Insert a comma here)

Daisies- (I inserted the - to replace the "and" that is stated there) White(Insert a comma here)


And Daffodils- (I inserted the - to replace the "and" that is stated there) Yellow(insert a period here, as it is the end of a listing and an idea)

As the Sun rises high(insert a comma, makes the two ideas flow together)

Night falls in my mind(Insert a period)

The stars glitter brightly(I would insert a dash here, as the though in the next line is continuing this one)

Each with their own sparkle(I would end with a period)

Cosmos whisk by(Either a dash or a comma would work here)

Galaxies of lost words(I would end with a period)

This is my own (In the flow of the poem, this line doesn't make sense. It's like you left something off)

My universe is strange(A dash would work here, to connect the continuing idea from the next line)

And just a bit broken(A comma would be best here)

But it is truly who I am(A dash to connect the flowing idea of this line and the following line)

And I hope you'll come and see(End with a period)

See what makes me tick(end with a dash)

See my sense of time(End with a dash)

See everything inside of me(End with a dash)

Or see what you want to see(End with a period)

I am a Universe(A comma should be inserted here)

One of a kind(Period)

An alien to some(Comma)

A Cosmic Beauty to others(Comma)

But always

A unique girl named Kitty(Period)"

I hope that you don't think that I am over-pushing my review by doing this, but I feel like that will help the flow of your poem. It is good overall, just some tweaks need to be done.

~GreenTulip