I found this while recycling some of my old papers. Tell me what you think of it. Please!
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It will be dark, and
It will be cold
No warm air
For a stone hard soul
For an unbeating heart
You get no praise
Forever frozen bones
Forever evil ways
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That's all! Thanks for your time! Bye-bye!
XOXOXOXO
Summer Night
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Canary word: Present
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I think you have a good start here, LoVeLeSs, but there are a few things that caught my eye. I'm left wondering why the narrator is saying these things. Why "forever evil ways?" What makes "a stone hard soul" the way it is? When you have so little information about the narrator him/herself, I can't help but generalize what your saying so that in my mind your describing what it's like being six feet under for everyone instead of what it's like to be six feet under for the narrator. Does that make sense? When the reader has that mindset, they can't help but spot certain holes in your work where otherwise there wouldn't have been any. So, now I'm thinking, "Well, everyone's certainly not evil, so why 'forever evil ways?'" The narrator might think like that, but you don't specify. I'm not sure if I was clear on that, so I'll just stop confusing you.
If you have no idea what I'm trying to say, feel free to PM me, and I'll try and explain.
You have a good start here, a strong theme which is the most important part and a rough skeleton that's just waiting to be filled with words. It does need plumpening up though so here's a few suggestions:
What is there to fear from the dark and the cold? What will be felt in the coffin, the insects crawling over your body, the dirt filling your finger-nails. If you want to hang an image in your reader's mind you have to create one and build on it and build on it until it's crammed into every corner of their thoughts. Make a list of what would be the worst part of this experience and forget form for the moment, rhyme can be very restricting sometimes.
It rhymes nicely and sounds good on the surface but it's superficial. None of this actually makes very much sense. No praise for an unbeating heart? Dead people are often praised, more so than when they were living and former evil ways? There are hints that this is a criminal well why not expand that and give us some information, give us a tale we can unravel. And unbeating so this person isn't being buried alive, it's just someone afraid of their own death? Still. Why should they fear death? What have they done that's so wrong that they feel their ways are evil?
Thanks for the read,
Heather xx
I really like the idea of this poem, it is very original. Not too many people imagine what it will be like to be buried, so it is an interesting take. All the same, I wish you had incorporated more imagery. As Careless put it, I want more juicy images. I'd also like a little more emotion as well. We probably won't feel anything when we are buried, but you can still associate feelings with the experience. Here is just a short list of emotions I came up with that you might want to explore:
1. Anxiety
2. Regret
3. Loneliness
4. Guilt
5. Peace
In my opinion, poems of this nature have more oomph when they're in the present tense. I'm talking about the first two lines. Also, you might want to consider putting in some more details in there, some yummy juicy images, you know? Overall, though, I like it. Simple, efficient.
Hello, LoVeLeSs! How do you do? Allow me to review this quite excellent poem.
fixed grammatical errors in green
And the rest is perfect. I loved it, great job!
Overall
An enjoyable read. You have true poetic talent. Drop me a PM whenever you post a new poem, I'd love to review it