Shadow Kissed pt.5

Okay, first of all, I was thinking about changing the title. I don't like the original title that much, so if you could please leave a comment giving me a suggestion about a title based on what you've read so far that would be lovely, or you could just pm me. I don't know. I put up a poll on names I thought about over night, you could vote on one of those too! Well, enjoy!

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She went in a fury, thinking that if she used up all of her so called "magic" it would go away. She crumpled up her invisibility cloak, grew out her fangs and claws, which she had been filing down every day because they grew so fast. Nanali threw ice, fire, darkness, lighting, and every other element she possessed across her room. She coated her fist in fire and punched her walls and floor before sucking up her furniture in a giant hole of dark matter. She sent out a wave of small tornadoes to tear down her wall, willing the fire that engulfed her room to spread through her, soon to be destructed, Victorian style home. She forgot all about Racheal next door to her, asleep in her bed, forgot all about her, until it was to late to remember.

Blue and red lights flashed through her window and Nanali fell to the floor in a violent fit of convulsions as her full power took over her. Memories flooded her sight and her thoughts, the wailing sirens turned into the screams of the Catalis.

I'll name her Nanali.

Neighbors gathered around as the elements demolished her house, the police and firefighters were powerless.

Goddess of animals.

Racheal screamed as she finally woke to find fire swallowing her room.

The baby, make sure you get the baby.

A ball of blue light formed in Nanali's heart and pulled her towards the ceiling, her eyes rolled in the back of her head showing the vein streaked whites of her eyes.

Someone is not coming out alive.

Nanali's body lurched in the smoke filled air and a wave of tremors shook her fragile, limp, and shaking body.

Get her out Nyx!

Blood seeped out of her eye sockets, but she felt no pain. The ball of light started pouring out her magic, power, and her soul.

Live, you'll die.

One room over Racheal screamed in pain as fire climbed her body and licked at her face, burning the silky ends of her hair and scorching her eyebrows.

Shadow Kissed

Nanali's body shook violently now. Blood stained her eyes, skin, and her clothes. The only thing that she could feel was the profound tugging at her heart as it tried to break free.

I'll be back soon.

And then everything went quiet. Nanali was dropped to the floor in a painful thud. The fires died as Racheal breathed her last smoke filled breath. The tornadoes disappeared, fires died, and the darkness folded into itself.

Nanali was empty. Her soul and spirit went away with the ball of light, but, sadly, magic still possessed her, not as much as before, but still present. A hole sat in her chest, a hole where her heart should have been. A misery filled moan broke the silence and then everything was still again, the only sound was the distant whisper of her parents voices.

So she won't forget. Only so she won't forget.

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Well, I hope you liked it! Please help me find out what should happen next! I'm torn between a crazy home and her running away back to the realm of the gods to find the truth. Help! That's all for now! Bye-bye!

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Summer Night

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Hawkie
Review
Hawkie wrote a review · Sun Nov 29, 2009 5:00 pm

It's me again!

She went in a fury,


This should be "into."

She crumpled up her invisibility cloak, grew out her fangs and claws, which she had been filing down every day because they grew so fast. Nanali threw ice, fire, darkness, lighting, and every other element she possessed across her room. She coated her fist in fire and punched her walls and floor before sucking up her furniture in a giant hole of dark matter. She sent out a wave of small tornadoes to tear down her wall, willing the fire that engulfed her room to spread through her, soon to be destructed, Victorian style home.


Showing vs. telling again. Don't just tell us what she did - show us the destruction.

I was very surprised when you killed off Rachael and left Nanali an empty shell. It shows that you're not afraid to inflict suffering on your characters, which is a good thing. You could have a great story of healing in your hands. Just make sure that you don't over-dramatize it, or the characters could become Mary Sues.

Keep writing,

-Hawks-



I know history. There are many names in history, but none of them are ours.
— Richard Siken