You scream
you thrash
you writhe
you plead
to nurish the hunger
to satisfy the need
And while you're searching
you turn your back
family, friends, hobbies
things of the past
Your hope is lost
and dreams are gone
A point where everything starts to seem so wrong
Pick up the bottle
or find a knife
its not worth the pain
to live this life
You'll try to stop but it too late
you're hooked
you'll realize there's a new way
everything looks
So you stay in the dark
hiding away from your fears
Who knows
you might stay there for years
To the outside world
you're extremly blind
Using anything you can
to get a glimpse of the light
And while you're screaming
you can't see
the knife binds you
to your secret legacy
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Thank you all for you're comments. They were all very helpful.
...It's pretty good.
I especially liked the rhythm in the first stanza, however, it does seem to falter after that.
The last line in the second stanza could be changed to 'things of the past', rather than 'a thing' for better flow.
Also, the last line of the third stanza is a good bit longer than all of the other lines. I don't see a good place to make a break, but it does seem a bit wordy, so I would suggest editing it.
I've noticed you use the word 'you' bunches, rightfully so, but sometimes cutting the word entirely from the line increases the power, and adds to visual variety, though sometimes altering the meaning slightly.
For instance:
"You pick up the bottle
or find a knife
it's not worth the pain
to live this life"
vs.
"Pick up the bottle
or find a knife
it's not worth the pain
to live this life"
I tend towards the second, but it's purely a personal preference.
Hi
The emotion comes across really well here.
I think the repetition of "You" in the first stanza works nicely. "Writh" should be "writhe". If you click "check spelling" above the box you type into it will catch all the typos. I'd change "to satisfy the hunger
to satisfy the need "
to something more specific, with more vivid imagery as these lines are cliche.
I think the second stanza works well. "You back" is a typo.
I'd cut the third stanza and rewrite it to include more specific imagery. Try to ignore the angst and use visual images to portray the hopelessness of the subject.
I'd change "You pick up the bottle
or find a knife
its not worth the pain
to live this life
You'll try to stop but it too late
your hooked"
as they're emo, and "your" should be "you're".
Stanzas six and seven flow nicely, and you express yourself nicely.
I'd cut "that" in the last stanza. It's nicely written but again I'd try to make it more visual and specific to the character who is being discussed.
The best thing you can do is read poetry. Anthologies are a great place to start because they introduce you to a range of poets and styles.
Hope this helps.
Jas
I really loved this one. I've been reading these things all day and this is the only one that really connected with me. It just has this really intriguing flow to it. Good job
I love your poem! It is very beautiful and it is very good and it has a very good way of setting the mood and its easy to understand the narrators feelings. you have tons of talent! keep on writing!!
*** and please review my stories of a New Home A new Love! thank you!***