*Start to my story because my dad is pushing me off the computer. Thanks dad, thanks a lot* Please comment because I need lots of help on this.
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She stood there, drenched in blood. Her clothes, tattered, her hair, dripping the thick red liquid that smelled so bad. All her fingers were gone, except her pinkie finger that hung on by a thin string of skin. She was bleeding from her eyes, crying blood- one of her eyes gauged out. So horrible, but Rayne can't look away. He can't move so he's forced to stare.
She lifts up her arm, the finger falls off, she cringes in pain.Her mouth quivers and shakes as she whispers in the wind.
'Help." She takes a step towards him, her legs buckle and she falls to the ground. She crawls towards him, and he steps back. Blood leaves a trail behind as she gets closer, and closer. She smells. Rayne clutches his stomach and covers his nose.
She smells like death.
"Help me," she whispers. Her voice is filled with so much pain, so much hurt.
"Rayne." She wraps her arms around his leg, he swallows back barf.
"Brother, help me."
Everything goes black, and then he's falling. She's falling after him; blood from her wretched body dripped all over his hair, back, legs, and face. He gagged from the smell. She landed on his back,and he screamed. She put the bloody ends of her wrists on his face, she clung to him, wrapped her legs around his waist, and held on tight. He was drenched in blood, crying, yelling, screaming, begging for it all to end. The ground came closer, he screamed, she tightened her grip.
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Rayne sat up in bed screaming, drenched in a cold sweat. He clutched the covers to his chin and squeezed his eyes shut tightly.
She's here, he thought, She's in my room.
"Leave please," he whispered, his voice squeaky and high pitched, not normal of a sixteen year old boy like himself. The girl from his nightmare stood on the edge of his bed watching him, studying his face.
"Please," he whispered," I'm begging you." The girl walked over and ran the rugged edges of her hand across his cheek. Rayne bit his tongue. She still smelled of death, raw, fresh, bloody death.
"Brother," she sobbed," Help me." She cried one bloody tear, it landed on his lips and ran into his mouth, he swallowed back bile again. She sat on him and leaned in towards his face. She was very pretty, but that didn't cover up the fact that she was dead, very dead.
Gah, curse the being that is my dad. I must leave now but please let me know what you thought of this. Trust me, it is far from over.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,817 Reviews
About to post part number two! Comment, Nit-pick, tell me how much you like it, tell me how much you hate it with a burning passion. I. Don't. Care. Just do something, please. I need help!
(And I looked out my window to find that, yes, the elephants still dance, mocking me. When will this end?)
Hi!
This is great, in a very gory sort of way. It captured my attention from the start!
A few nitpicks:
'Stood' and 'standing' are the same word, making this sentence slightly odd. It should be: 'she stood there.' However, if that sounds a little simple to you, you can describe the way she was standing (straight, hunched over, etc...).
Yuck! Very gory! There's nothing wrong with it, though. However, I would put 'except for her pinkie finger' It sounds more complete that way.
I think it would sound better like this:
'She was bleeding from her eyes, crying blood - one of her eyes gauged out.'
What do you think?
It should just be: 'in the wind', otherwise it sounds like she's opened the wind up like a box and is whispering into it.
Other than that, there's great imagery in this sentence!
Hmmm, I'm not sure I liked the repetition of 'closer' here. I think the sentence could be just as powerful with one closer, rather than three.
Great sentence, just great! It's very powerful, well done.
Just had to say that.
It should be 'gagged'.
If he's screaming because she landed on his back, it should be: 'She landed on his back, and he screamed.'
Arrggghh! Disgusting!!! 'wrist' should be plural, seeing as it's 'bloody ends'.
Typo: the second 'shes' should be 'she's'.
The parentheses spoil the effect of this last sentence, somehow. I think maybe you could skip the part out about her gauged eye being closed, and therefore get rid of the parentheses. It's your choice, though.
Also, I think by 'face' you mean 'fact'.
Okay, nitpicks done!
Overall, this was very intruiging. You should definitly carry on - I'm very impatient to see what happens next! Your descriptions are great.
PM me with any questions, and also when you put up the next chapter!
~Lilicia
Oh, it seems as if it is time for another spoiler!Rayne is a Helper. He has to help ghosts find peace. The girl is not really Rayne's sister.(This you will soon find out) The girl's brother is the last person she saw before dying, well, the killer was the last person she saw, but she remembers her brother most. 
*Evil laugh*
Spoiler
Go on, click it. You know you want to.
Elephants are attacking! Hide the children!
(I really love those elephants!)
Well, thats all. Bye-bye now!
Oh dear, I must say I'm a little green atm (in a good way and no not with jealousy) remember to put a rating, please. I was kind of shocked and not expecting it but in a good way (once again).
So kudos on the horrific descriptions working a treat *claps*. One thing though, instead of using "barf" perhaps use bile ? I don't know but barf seems too. . . simple ? I read it through twice and barf seemed to pop out of the sentence.
The end could use a tidy up as well, it doesn't seem as well writen and thought out as the dream sequence (I was still scared when he woke up and she was still there, I was all "omg").
Aside from that I can't wait to see where you go with this !!
wow...very detailed and original...*reminds of of elfen lied)
plot
the story was interesting and the first sentence grip the reader's attention which was good. The detail as well on her form also is good particularly the sister. You were able to describe her well and her form.
the story i guess has two parts: the dream and the reality. I like how you blend the reality with the dream especially when the boy thinks his sister was here. By doing so, by making this connection between the characters, you were able to create a sense of suspense to the reader. they want more on what will happen.
However, you might need more description particularly the setting. The description of the person is good but it would be better if you describe where the dream take place. For example if it takes place on a park on a day, it will give a sense of irony. Or if it take place on a dark place, you are able to create a mood on the story.
congratulation again with this.
GROSS! Haha, just kidding. I liked it. Your story is definantly original, especially compared to any other work I have read on this site. Your description of death, and the smell, made me want to hurl along with your MC. I love your style, and I really think you have something special going for you!
PM me when more if this is up...
~Skip