Say your sin~ Chapter 1 pt.2

(Authors note~ Ello, loves. Loveless here, again. Well this is part two of chapter one. I switched the other title from Prologue to Chapter one pt.1. I thank you all in advance for taking the time to read my story. And another thanks in advance if you comment. To the lovely people that commented on my last entry, I hope I didn't let you down on this one. Enjoy.)

"State your name," that same females voice ordered, this time alone but just as powerful. The idea of joining a coven was to start all over. Completely erase your previous identity and create a new one. Hence, the name change.

"Natas Vanquish," I whispered. The butterflies were gone, but I hadn't yet discovered my voice yet. Even so, at that moment I was no longer Trevor Walsh. Trever Nab Walsh no longer existed. A ripple of energy flowed through me, accompanied by the presence of my new name.

"State your colors." Now came the issue of hair and eye color. It all fit in with the whole identity change.

" Hair, white. Eyes, grey."

"Third color?" I swallowed and set my jaw at my new leader's words. The third color? What third color. Hair and eyes were already done. Was there something I missed? Did I not read the letter correctly? I shook my head and looked at the robe that hung loosely off my shoulders.

"Black." There was the sound of something ruffling in the distance, I couldn't see what it was, though, because only a single black candle remain lit. It barely provided enough light to let me see my hands.

"Lastly, state your age." The best part had finally arrived, choosing my own age.

"Twenty." I wanted something more mature than my current age of eighteen, but I still wanted the receive the excitement in being an underage drinker.

"Let the initiation begin."

- - -

The last I remember the leader was about to start the initiation, everything went blank after that. My ears received no sound, my nose no smell, and my eyes lost the scarce sight they previously had. I was floating. Drifting suddenly as the ground removed itself from under my bare feet. This sensation was new to me, but my body stated otherwise. The weightlessness was comforting in a way. Just the thought of being bound to nothing sent little shivers up and down my spine and pushed a small laugh from between my lips. The sky was a dark blue and one of the many clouds was settled in around my waist. It was like I was being engulfed from the bottom up by a giant marshmallow. Everything was good and nice until I started falling.

Slowly at first, so slowly I didn't even notice I was descending. But the air rushing around my body became more apparent. Hair whipped into my face and my clothes flapped wildly. The ground, along with my certain death, was growing closer.

Natas Vanquish It wasn't my voice, no, my voice was busy screaming. Use your head, Natas. Use your wings. My wings? What wings? This voice was making no sense at all! If I had wings I would be flying right now, flying up and away from the terrible world below my feet. Far away from here and to a safe place where there were no stupid voices telling me to use wings I didn't have. I would fly away and never return to the pain or the suffering. I would fly away and be alone. Alone.

Oh, how I wish I had actual wings.

There was a blinding pain coming from my back. It came on slow, equally-excruciating, increments. This very fact led me to believe I was being tortured. Such indescribable pain. That equivalent of being stabbed in the back, hit by a train, having my finger slapped in a million doors, metal running through the oh-so-sensitive skin of my arm, and being mauled by a bear, all at the same time, multiplied by a hundred.

Just as white dots started to invade my vision, everything went blank again. Through the darkness and the confusion I could hear only one thing.

Welcome, brother Natas.

Comments & reviews · 2
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MeadowLark
Review

Hiya Skittles! Miss me?

"State your name," that same females voice ordered, this time alone but just as powerful.


"...the same female voice ordered." Doesn't sound right with that, and there was only one woman speaking instead of more ;)

A ripple of energy flowed through me, accompanied by the presence of my new name.


Change flowed to flew. Otherwise it sounds improper and choppy :D

" Hair, white. Eyes, grey."


Why did he pick these colours? What was so significant about these two?

I wanted something more mature than my current age of eighteen, but I still wanted the receive the excitement in being an underage drinker.


Change "the" to "to". It'll make more sense.

~~~~~~

Alright, that's enough with the little errors.

You're missing some commas in areas, so I suggest reading some of your sentences aloud to find that natural pause. Other than that, your punctuation is good.

On to your characters. Your MC should have more thoughts to explain things to your reader. Like dropping little hints here and there. You got a great start to his thoughts, but you defiantly need a little more.

Then I come to the manner of description. I love the description you used in the part where he was falling. It was awesome xD However, when you were describing pain, you seem to drag it on with all sorts of examples, which results in a terribly long and boring sentence. You should also describe the feeling of falling. Like a fluttering in his stomach, a headache, what?

Well, that's all I have for now.

Good Luck,

Meadow



Light griefs are loquacious, but the great are dumb.
— Seneca