A little poem that I wrote. Flames will be laughed at. Hahahahahahaha! See, I'm already laughing. However, constructive criticism is much appreciated. Enjoy!
- - -
The stitches are torn from my heart.
In your hands lie the key.
The barrier.
The theater to the world as I know it.
Will you take it away?
Leave me to hover, love?
Heartbreak be my timeless end.
Will you prevent it?
Oh, darling.
The personification of death itself as you stand before me.
So shamelessly ending all that I will ever know.
All that I will ever feel or care about.
Three words to save me, love.
Will you utter them?
Or will you let the absence of speech be my demise?
Let silence be my murderer, your scape goat.
So be it, love.
Your will consents as mine falters.
Goodbye darling, I'm falling fast.
Your shady silhouette nothing more than a heartless blur.
Call the angels.
Alert the guards.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
- - -
Okay, I'm not quite sure about the punctuation and the last stanza. Anyway, thanks for reading! Bye.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello there
I think that you got a good review from blink already but I'll throw in my two cents.
I actually found this poem a little amusing, especially towards the end. I loved the way you carried your words throughout the poem, it gave it a little spunk or much needed spark though some parts were a little exaggerated I like it.
So, good job!
Hullo.
The first stanza seemed to be going somewhere, with its ambiguity and abstract images, but then as the poem went on I realised that these uncertainties and questions that I had were not going to be answered. More questions. A greater clutter of images that didn't seem to connect in any material way.
Some examples:
A heart being used to represent love is one of those images that no longer seems to be bear any crux or original symbolism, especially when it's used in such a throw-away manner. The second line is also a bit of a wasted image. What key? I think to myself, this is written in such a blunt manner that of course, it's building up to an explanation. Then I think, okay, is this a concrete or abstract key? And then I don't find out because I don't know what this theatre is or what it presents (if anything) and...
You see? It's not about "reading between the lines" because it's so random that it can no longer be interpreted. You need to try and connect the images with what you mean. There's no story, nothing to bind together the images. What scenario are we in? Does it matter? Without the link this just comes off as a pile of meaningless images and thoughts.
I got bored with all the punctuation at the end of the lines, too, whether intentional or not. I'd like to see some enjambment going on, so that the importance of the snappy fragments will be emphasised when we cross them. That said, the fact that you're beginning to put in some interesting metaphors (even if we don't know what they mean yet) shows that you're on the right lines.
Hope that helped. PM me if you've any questions.
-Mark