(Author's note: Okay, first of all, this story was a dare. My friend, Nikki, bet me that I couldn't write I story about killer muffins. I would have simply written a short story, but I almost never write short stories. Lastly, this was meant to be serious, I know they're muffins, but they are very dangerous muffins. The ideas of mutant terrorist would be more scary, this I know, but the dare wasn't to write something about mutant terrorist. Was it? No, so enjoy and, please, don't make fun of the muffins. They will eat choo.)
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Chapter negative-one:
"The Muffins are outside," Persinthea practically yelled," they're gonna find us! They're gonna-" I slapped my hand over her mouth.
"Hell, yeah they're gonna find us if you keep fucking screaming," I tried my best to keep my voice a slight whisper," Just shut up and go sit back in the corner." I returned my attention to the hole in the wall I was looking out of, she was right, they were outside. Three of them all wielding a machine gun with a knife bolted on the end of it. There giant, fluffy, banana nut bodies walked up and down the street, peaking into the window of every house, looking for any one they may have left behind, a.k.a us," It's the banana nut soldiers, Sin," I whispered with a slightly panicked tone to my voice. The banana nut's are the most lethal of all the muffins, and the most violent. Nobody knows why, but there was a rumor going around that when they, the science dept., distributed the potion to the muffins the banana nut batch got the most.
"Radley," I turned around and met Persinthea's worried expression," are we going to die?" I didn't have the heart to tell her that we probably were, that the chances of us living were about as good as the chance a balloon wouldn't pop when a porcupine hugged it. I couldn't tell her that, it would be more than enough to send her spiraling into complete insanity, she was crazy enough with me telling. Her lime green eyes were wide, and growing wider every few seconds I didn't answer. Her bottom lip quivered and her body shook so badly her short black hair vibrated in glossy waves.
"No, of course not," I whispered, turning away from her," you know I'll keep you safe. Don't I always?" She didn't answer for a while and in those twenty seconds of pure and utter heart-wrenching silence I wished I could read minds, but, then again, I wish I could do a lot of things. Like fly, punch holes through mountains, kill off the Muffins, and, most of all, protect Sin. Right now, I can't do any of those things. I'm completely helpless and weak, I just hoped she didn't know that.
"Yeah," she whispered, her voice slightly higher that before," you always do." I heard her boots scrape the dusty, wooden floor as she pulled them up to her chest and the soft muffled sound of her head gently banging against the wall behind her. Could she read minds.
"Yeah, actually, I can. And you lied to me, Radley!" In my version of this messed up world that would have actually happened. In my sick and twisted brain she would have actually told me that, but she didn't. She just kept banging her head against the wall, softly and steadily, trying to drive out the horrid thoughts that were running through her head. Trying to drive out the truth of what would probably become of us.
Chapter one: Stupid scientists
"We are proud to announce that the launch of Product X has been sent to the local muffin factories," mom was tuned into the station everyone seemed to be watching tonight, the six o'clock news. I had already got a bunch of texts from about half a million people, and all the texts seemed to tell me to do the same thing. Radley, get your butt up and watch the news. Honestly, I didn't want to watch, I didn't even care about this Product X, and Product X was such a cliche name anyway," For those of you who don't know, Product X is a newly invented ingredient to increase the size and taste of bakery goods. For example, Cookies, cake, cupcakes, muffins, etc. We took a vote not to long ago to see which bakery good we should try the product on and, you guessed it, muffins won by a land slide." Mother gave a overly enthusiastic "woot" and my little sis, Persinthea, just rolled her eyes.
"I wanted cupcakes to win," she whined. Of course she wanted cupcakes to win, all thirteen year olds wanted the cupcakes to win.
"Ya' know, Sin," I whispered, leaning in towards her," cupcakes are just slutty muffins." She frowned at me and then laughed.
"Well, brother, muffins are just ugly cupcakes." I punched her in the arm softly and turned my attention back to the TV.
"You stole that from a t-shirt," mom laughed while getting up to go fetch some popcorn. Sin rolled her eyes, folded her arms across her chest and mumbled something I couldn't quite pick up over the noise of the TV. We all laughed happily and continued watching, unaware of the trouble and danger that was about to unfold.
My hair is now light brown and my eyes are grey, I only say that because before this whole thing happened my hair was black and my eyes were a dark blue. Sinthea's hair hung at her waist and was light blonde, so light it looked silver, and her eyes were a equally light blue. Mom hadn't explained to us why we had to change the way we looked, she just said it was better if we looked different. Some bull about how it would be harder to track us down if we looked different than the pictures we previously took. She bought us contacts and hair dye, when the streets weren't so muffin infested of course. I wanted to ask why we were being tracked down and why we had to hide in the attic. I wanted to ask a lot of question, but she was gone before I could even open my mouth. She promised to come back, they always promise to come back. She never returned.
It was best to assume the worst and not fill our brains with the near impossible thought that she would come back to us, I knew this and tried to tell Sinthea, but, as expected, she didn't listen. In fact, she acted as if I never told her that mom may have been captured, dead, or, even worse, one of them. It was heart breaking to hear her ask me every day, "Hey, Rads, when is mom coming home?" Every single day I had to lie to her and say, "Maybe, tomorrow," or,"She'll be back in no time," when I knew, in my heart, that she would never be back.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Hi Loveless, Pink here.
I'm going to do a quick review for this because it sounds so appealing. Haha (seriously)
That's a lot of commas. Maybe you could try to split this up a bit.
Ahahaha!
In the mist of a terror attack, they laugh happily...
I just thought it was funny.
*****
So yeah, I basically agree with everything Dreamwalker said.
I thought this was kind of funny but serious as well. I like the idea and I think you might just be able to write this story. Keep it refreshing and interesting. Watch out for your quotation marks and double check your commas. I noticed you use them as many times as we flush toilets (not really). Short sentences are just as good too and they flow somewhat nicer. But it really depends on the writing style. Anywho, keep it up. I wish you luck on the rest of this!
~Pink
(P.S Dreamwalker got to it before me so I had to take out a few things that she already stated haha.)
Hey, I'm The.Dreamwalker, or you could just call me dreamwalker or DW or whatever you feel like xD and I'm here with a review for you. As soon as I read this was a serious story about killer muffins I knew immediately that I had to read it.
. My reviews follow a specific outline, always starting with Nit-picks, than followed up by grammar and punctuation, plot, setting and description, character developement, and finally my overall. So here we go:
So on with the show
Nit-Picks
I dont necessarily care for the phrase 'pratically yelled' especially without an exclamation point behind 'outside'. Maybe change that to stated or concluded maybe? Or change it to something that meets the second dialogue bit like 'Persinthea panicked.'
A common mistake with punctuation is the use of comma's for literally everything when concluding a small tid bit of dialogue. There are, after all, a few different ways of putting punctuation in there. For example:
"I'm taking the dog to the park," Jimmy said. (this is where the comma is acceptible)
"I'm taking the dog to the park." Jimmy was grabbing the leash. (when not stating that he said something like 'said' 'muttered' 'stated' etc, it is a period.
"I'm taking the dog to the park," Jimmy was grabbing the leash, "so he can go to the washroom." (If this dialogue isn't concluded in the first bit, as if cutting a sentence in half, then commas can be used but only for that specific case)
"I'm taking the dog to the park." Jimmy was grabbing the leash. "He really needs to go to the washroom." (This is not a concluding sentence structure so commas are no longer necessary. It is periods that are used)
"I'm taking the dog to the park," Jimmy said. "He really needs to go to the washroom." (This combines two rules as if Jimmy is 'saying' something, then the dialogue bit ends in a comma but if the dialogue is not split up, the second bit of dialogue is on its own).
Basically a couple rules that might help with your punctuation later on
Bad sentence structure here. Change 'was' to 'had been' and the comma after 'of' to a period. That being said, the last comma should be made a semi colon or a period. Whichever you prefer.
All should be changed to 'were' and the sentence is awkward when saying 'a machine gun' seeing as its making it feel like three are sharing one unless that was what you were trying to do. If not, change it to machine guns with knives bolted on the ends of them.
And most delicious ;D. A little... food... for thought xD. Pun intended.
Some comma misplacements. Refer to the little diagram at the top I left you
Heres either a semi-colon or a period is necessary after 'were'. Also, very nice simile
Another reoccuring issue you have is that during the second bit of dialogue you put the quotation not to the dialogue but to the narrative between. It should be like this:
"Hello." Bobby said. "My name is Bobby."
not
"Hello." Bobby said." My name is Bobby."
You have some issues with comma placements throughout this bit. During the sentence the flowing is cut short with the comma in which you placed. There really isn't such a need for so many of them seeing as, if anything, quotations are you bestfriend in writing fiction, not commas. Use only when necessary unlike in this bit where the comma could easily be an and.
A few things wrong with this bit. The quotation is against the narrative again. Also, I believed you meant 'than' instead of 'that'. Also, you seem to have a lot of run-on sentences like the one behind the dialogue. Try slimming it down instead of cramming so much information into one, small, sentence. That way it's easier to get a more intimate connection with the story seeing as it is hard to take such a strange concept literally.
I believe this is a question statement. Change the period to a question mark.
Semi colon where the comma is. Or a period. Whichever suits your fancy.
The use of the word text in this sentence twice makes it sound a little redundant. Try and stay away from that field by using other words instead
I dont really think anyone would be that interested in bakery goods expanding to be completely honest but thats alright. The character is believeable
'a' should be 'an'.
Grammar and Punctuation
Your grammar is fairly okay. Some nice usages of words but very easy to read and a refreshing dialogue choice. Some sentences where dragged out far too long but nothing that couldn't be fixed with a little rereading. The part you struggled with the most was the punctuation in which was just a few basic rules that may have either been forgotten or gone unnoticed. I'm sure, with a little practice, they will come easily
Plot
I commend you on a strange, silly plotline. To take it seriously is hard but you are definitly trying to fufill the ideals of keeping it that way. Although some areas lacked description or intimate details into how they felt, it was quick and gave us the ideals in which was needed to start of the story. A thumbs up so far for this section.
Setting and Description
This area was lacking greatly and, often enough, it goes unnoticed. Setting, for instance, is very crucial to the plotline of a story as to give the readers a sense of where everything takes place and where everything is going. To give an even more divert setting, trying using a little pathetic fallosy seeing as this piece is about killer muffins after all. Going into deep descriptons helps the reader connect the dots a lot easier and makes the picture of everything clearer, like putting a DVD to Blue-ray. The picture quality is what the writer strives to perfect, but not overdue.
So give us some intimate details into everything and I'm sure a neat storyline will come out of this in no time.
Character Developement
So far, your character seems like the basic generic hero. This is good thought seeing as the piece so far is very short so there really isnt much we can say on this character yet. Try getting into emotion more, really seizing that area for it feels almost like a replay of events when you speak of how they may be feeling. Dont just state someone is scared. Really go into the deep, dark pit that is fear and show us what this character is truly fearing. What this character is fighting with himself because of.
Overall
Refreshing. Very interesting idea put forth in an easy, readable way. Not too daunting of a task to read, which is good and a fun way of catching the readers interest in which you did fairly well. I give you a thumbs up and just go back and re-edit things. I'm sure, in good time, this piece will be shining
Keep it up!
~The.Dreamwalker