I put chapter -1 because I didn't want to call it a prologue or preface. I think that's what they call the little chapter before chapter one, but I'm choosing to call it chapter -1. You don't have a problem with that. Do you?
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Chapter -1
I never knew it would end this way. The result being me alone, afraid, and close to dead. Having to huddle up in fetal position as a half assed attempt to savor the little warmth I have left in me as they continue to pick at my still body with their thin bony fingers, whispering in the language I never really had a chance to learn. Mocking me, laughing at the simplest mistake that brought me to this point of complete vulnerability. Vulnerable, the very thing I swore I would never be! But, yet, here I lie, no teammates, no weapon, and dying. Slowly, slowly dying.
" The leader has fallen," they whisper in their broken English, as if to make sure I knew I was defeated," Yes, the leader has finally fallen."
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That's all for now. I don't really know if I should continue this, it's not really up my alley.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm...well this could certainly work as honestly just the start to the actual first chapter here. You are right in saying it doesn't sound much like either a preface or a prologue, and it does indeed sound like something you'd see at the very start of a first chapter, and it sounds like something that would do a pretty good job as the first part of a first chapter here.
Well moving on from that particular detail and into the piece itself, for what this scene here is trying to do, I'd say it does its job quite well here. You do quite a nice job building up this general atmosphere of the piece and then hitting us quite hard as readers with a scene that undoubtedly means quite a lot to the point that even though we know nothing about any kind of context we just know something bad has just happened.
Overall, despite the rather small sample size that we have to work with here, I think you do quite a nice job of really bringing this piece to life right here. It does capture your attention as a reader quite and I certainly find myself wanting to know more here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
hmmmm... it's alright, but the very first sentence is very Twilight-like.
"Whispering in a language I never really had a chance to learn" is one of my favorite lines. Don't change it please. Besides, it is getting across a slightly different meaning than the alternate suggested. Anyway, this piece really was pretty interesting. I'm also curious what will come next.
My little problems were:
(ok i replied to the wrong message so i won't be using actual yellow-box quotations)
"savor the little warmth I had left in me..." -- the had should be a have, since everything else is in the present. i was wondering why this sentence seemed so effed up and confused.
I would rewrite the last two lines of the first paragraph because (to me!) they just seem like weak sentences that could be written 100x better. I mean, however you choose to rewrite them, play around and mix up the words... or don't at all. It's exciting and dramatic anyway, I guess.
And last-- just that the little slip that she/he is the leader is GREAT. so thrilling, kind of. you know why? i think it's cause i started out the story thinking that the narrator was a prisoner. to learn she/he was actually a fallen leader was... idk, breathtaking.
Oooh! I like this, it's a very good beginning. I now really want to read the rest, and that's a rarity for me, to find something I like and get excited about reading it. So yes! Post more! Post more!
Just as a note, you might want to change this:
To Something like:
Just a suggestion.
~Hope