Published November 19, 2009
Chapter 1 of "A few feet under". Tell me what you think of it. Like I said before, this genre is new to me, I've never written anything like this. Tear it apart! Help me make this better. Well, enjoy!
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"Congratulations," a robotic monotone voice boomed," you four have been selected from the best of the best! Your journey starts now," I glanced around the small dark room, taking in the limited space around me. Three other people shared this room with me, their features masked by the lack of light," Your mission: find out the secret of the Bermuda Triangle. We've selected the smartest, the bravest, the strongest, and the one with the most leadership skills. You will all be equipped with soap, water filters, cameras, video cameras, voice recorders, clothes, flashlights, and all the other necessary things for this investigation. You will have to work together to gather the correct information, but, more importantly, stay alive to tell the story. We have small evidence of what might be going on. A surfer came upon a floating tape while paddling out to 'catch a wave'. Here is what was recorded."
A giant square of light appeared on the wall from out of nowhere, I couldn't identify it's source. A man with a knotted beard, dirt stained face, and fear filled blue eyes stared appeared in the screen, a mass of curly brown knots sat upon his head. Behind him was a vast collection of trees and dirt.
"My name is Lanzer," he whispered. He sounded out of breath and scared, his bottom lip was shaking," if anyone finds this, listen to my word, do not come here," he glanced around frantically," there is some fucked up shit here man," the screen went black for a second or two before returning to normal," I'm the only one left," he cried," Jamie! Fucking Jamie is already dead! Jamie, Carol, Stephan, all of them! Fucking gone man," static washed over the screen in one quick swipe," Listen to me, you can't stop them! You can't-"
Lanzer fell to the floor in a sudden fit of jerky convulsions, bleeding from every opening in his face. Someone on the left of my gasped. A string of strange high pitched murmurs played faintly in the background before the screen went completely black.
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That's all! I really hope you liked it! Thank you for your time and comment. Please! Bye-bye!
XOXOXOXOXO
Summer Night
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141,404 Literary Works • 674,390 Reviews
I'll rethink and re-post it later! Thanks for all your help really. I'll get to work on it right now.
XOXOXOXO
Summer Night
hmmmm... like your last review said, this is extremely cliche-y. I think if you change it around a little, it could be good, though. Here's what i suggest:
By no means do you have to take this suggestion, but i thought it sounded cool. 
a nice long lead-in to the part you have here. Talk about the character, his/her life, what their traits are-- add some hints that something weird is going on.
next, choose a different location. The Bermuda Triangle is just too typical.Here's an idea I just had:
make the story take place in the future, where the characters must explore a different planet-- i believe you posted something a day or two ago about the character being tortured by strange beings-- why not aliens?
I think this story shows promise-- it just needs re-writing.
Yeah, like I said, I'm kinda new to this type of writing. I usually don't write things on this type of setting and plot. I'm trying something different. I am truly sorry but this was all I could think of. Until I get more familiar to this type this is all I can come up with. I'll read over it and try to fix it up a bit though! Thanks for your help.
XOXOXOXOXO
Summer Night
It's good writing, yes, but I'm afraid its already gone too far into cliche territory. I mean, Bermuda Triangle? Robotic monotone voices? Videos of some guy in terrible danger which conveniently cuts out right before he gets to the good part? BERMUDA TRIANGLE (sorry, I'm a drama queen- king)? Assuming this is just sort of the setup, I'm sure you can tinker with this a little. Plus, not even robots talk that, well, robotic. Openings to stories should be really, really strong, and nothing says weak like a string of cliches and a Bermuda Triangle reference. My brain is not nearly ninja-d enough. Keep writing, though.
-CRITIQ