Prolouge
As I looked through the window of my parents car, I thought about how my life would never be the same. I Had lost my house, my money, my sister. the all just disapeared and i would never see them again. My sister Penelope was gone brned in the fire.
She was four wheeled back up to the house to get on some pajamas. we were a quarter mile away from the house with the tents piched and ready to camp. She frogot her pajamas at the house and went back up to get them. That was when the house was bombed. We then knew that the war had started.
I WIll Have Chapter One Up Soon!! Please Read And Comment
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138,304 Literary Works • 672,100 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hello, today I'm going to be using the YWS Critique Sandwich to take a shot at reviewing this piece here...so, let's see how it goes.
So, a few things I liked here, as far as a prologue goes, I'd say this one manages to do its job quite well. We get to see an emotional scene of this person losing his home and family member in this explosion from a bomb and well, that one really gets your attention and also sets you up with some interesting knowledge for the story itself.
Okay....now a couple of issues I spotted in this one here. First of all, quite a few mistakes in spelling there. Usually I'm not one to point those out cause a few small mistakes scattered around doesn't effect the readability of something, here though, they are prevalent enough to have an effect. I'd also suggest that second paragraph be a bit clearer and have more emotion to it. This person is rather emotionlessly and mechanically detailing the events that led to their sister's death and I feel its a bit too emotionless there.
Lastly, I'd say, its a nice prologue, great premise...definitely will get people wanting to read it. It seems like you could construct a powerful story here, but it needs a second look especially in the second paragraph.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
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Howdy ☺
I’m going to review your work! ☺
Prologue is spelt wrong!
Firstly I think you mean ‘they’ which then needs to be capitalised. ‘I’ needs to be capitalised too.
It’s burned not ‘brned’.
We needs to be capitalised. Pitched is spelt wrong.
Okay I think you mean ‘forgot’.
If your house was bombed and she was in it then most likely she wouldn’t have burned but exploded.
I think you need to check through. There are many careless errors.
The idea isn't bad but you haven't really left us on a big suspense. So there is a war? So what? What's significant about it?
Interesting.
I'd be interested to know what war this is- a futuristic one, what with them being in a car?
You've got a few grammar mistakes;
Line 1- Parents' car (the parents own the car and so a possessive apostrophe is required, and as there are two of them it should be after the s)
Line 2- Capitalised 'h', a 'the' that should be a 'they'. Uncapitalised 'i'.
3- 'burned'
5- 'pitched'. 'Forgot'
6- 'We knew then that the war had started' suits the tense better.
So, spelling and grammar wise I think you just need to read it back over and check it yourself more.
Plot wise this sounds good, it deals with loss, conflict etc. Could be interesting.
This isn't normally my kind of thing but it sounds like a decent plot, and apart from the spelling/ grammar stuff the writing style's good.
Well done and keep up the good work!
Thanks I'm Happy To Hear other people opinions