Sitting in geometric rows,
Of flesh and blood and mind.
Is the hope we long to know,
The creative ties that bind
But the sterility of the surfaces.
And continuity of the air
Refuses to nourish the poet.
It clouds their sharpened stare
The micromanaging of minds
And the constant pursuit of perfection.
Is leaving the erratic writer behind
Removing creative insurrection
A hundred thousand Odysseys
Within a hundred minds
That will never see the light of day
Because their inward flame resigns
This is not from lack of will
Or lack of passion for their skill
But because they are told to refine
The decadence to which they are inclined
And in the refinement of their gems
It somehow loses sheen
Because it is contrived in its beauty
And its humility not seen
The very human frailty
That every writer does employ
To make every reader explore the truth
Is blackening their joy
Poets more than anyone
Cannot stagnate for long
Unless they chose to forever mute
Their choral, floating song
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
LoveOnTheFringe,
There's always a danger with this "Statement" poetry. This danger is particularly acute here because your poem would appear to undermine the very Statement you're making, i.e. how can a poem be produced from someone who goes to school if school snuffs out (or "sterilizes") poets? There is certainly a lot to say about the education system, but I remain skeptical of poetry's capacity to change it or say anything useful about it. When people engage in debates, poets are not the sources they turn to.
As thedelphinater observed, the rhythm here, as in your other poem, is unstable, and this only causes havoc for your readers. Stanzas being the same length is aesthetically pleasing but in no way necessary. What you might consider instead is setting this and your other poem aside for a while and trying to write something that doesn't have a message for us. Poetry, whatever else it might be, is one of the few ways we have to appreciate the ephemera of life: the best poems can make us appreciate the sliding of night along a windowsill or the way a firefly hums in the air.
You need to think about what poetry is, and what it does. What should a poem be doing, who should it be talking to? Even if you fixed the technical problems, you're going to have a hard time marketing poetry like this to anyone because we can read these messages elsewhere and in more useful ways (essays, newspapers, etc.). Why, that is to say, write poetry for people who aren't going to read it? Give more thought to what you're doing and why you're doing it, and I think your poems will be greatly improved.
Take care,
Brad
First order of business: the nit-picking stuff. OK, so it started out pretty good, but then you sort of seemed to lose interest or something in grammar and punctuation and such. Your first stanza has punctuation, and then it kinda just dies, I don't know why. And even in the beginning, it seemed a little off to me, like where I would of paused there wasn't anything and you seemed to just sort of be throwing around punctuation makes randomly. So I would try and work on that.
Also, you have somewhat of a rhyme scheme in the first stanza, and then towards the end of that it also dies. It's sort of like "Oh good, a pattern! Wait, no, there isn't... yes there is, but wait, that's just right there... wait what?" Basically, it makes it hard to follow and the reader ends up trying to rhyme words that so do not rhyme.
Another thing I noticed was the flow and organization. You should always try to have your stanzas the same length for starters. Secondly, I couldn't really get a feel for the flow of this poem. Yet again, it was there in the beginning, but then just faded out. No offense, but stop doing that! Either just don't have it from the get go or use it the entire poem! I could sort of follow it after the second time I read it, but it required a bit of effort.
Now, onto the actual poem itself. Despite all my nit-picking, I liked it. I completely understand what it's talking about and I love the message. I too have a deep hatred for the cookie-cutter formatting for writing in school. All in all, this wasn't a bad poem. Just smooth it out a bit, add some punctuation, get a rhyme scheme going, and it'll be awesome. Keep writing!