Young Writers Society

Cascading reams of oceanic foam,
The first sentence really grabs attention and was the perfect way to start. The words you use really create good imagery.
Supports the greatest of our desires.
Don't think you really need the period there though makes that stanza sound weird. The entire thing flows really well, its easy and almost relaxing to read. Keep writing!

Hey this is an amazing poem.Keep writing!

Hi Fringe ^^ I'm Shina and I'll be your reviewer this evening.

Welcome to YWS, by the way! *slams stereo* For some reason, phantom of the opera exploded *_*

For the tech stuff, I'm not sure about the punctuation for this poem, so you'll have to wait for a pro at format to take a look at this. I did notice that you spelled license with a "c", but that may be the way they spell it where you're from. The imagery in this piece is excellent. I especially love the first stanza and the way you describe the ocean. Definitely a unique and different way to describe it. Some of the lines were a bit too long and ruined the flow. Also, some of the punctuation breaks the flow. It's all pretty pictures, but I'm not exactly sure what's going on. Maybe I need to read it again. Yeah, I needed to read it twice.

Keep up the good work! Showing and not telling is excellent here!
Maybe you'd like to enter my poetry contest topic49135.html

-Shina

i'm not a big fan of poetry, but you really grabbed my attention with
[Cascading reams of oceanic foam]
in one section there was a uneeded dot. i wanted to take my thumb and smear it away, but it was there. your poem was flowing like silk across glass and then BAM! *punches fists together* dot....
other than that i was like whoa, this is seriously seriousness of goodness!
~Livi J.
P.S: keep writing!

This flows well, and you have some lovely images, such as;
"Cascading reams of oceanic foam".

I think that sometimes you make your lines to long, for what it seems is the sake of making them more ornate than they are, for example;
"The emotion of euphoria."
Euphoria is always going to be an emotion (unless you're talking about perfume, I think there's a perfume called "Euphoria"...but in that case you'd allude to the fact that it's perfume you're referring to) so you don't need to specify this. I see that you're trying to make the line longer to fit in with your rhythm, so maybe try something like;
"My sense of euphoria was identical in scope".
Moreover, identical in scope to what?

I think that at points it seems that you are aiming rather to exhibit how eloquent you can be, instead of to get your point across. My advice is to whittle this down to the essence of what you're trying to say, and then write it very simply. Then you can work on making it more 'poetic'. At the moment I think what you're saying is getting a bit lost beneath your ornate language; remember, what you're trying to say is just as important as how you're saying it in poetry.

Hope this helps.

Jas

Wow. This was amazing. I'm not very good at critiquing, but I honestly could not find any major flaws. The flow was perfect, as well as all that other grammar/punctuation technical stuff. The writing itself was beautiful and I loved the imagery. It was just awesome. One little nit-pick though:

And the balcony where we lay our feet,
Supports the greatest of our desires.
To reside in the eyes on the other.