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Here in the End (Part 1)

by Lov_lyFicti_n22


    A soft wind blew North across the town of Bloomington. On any normal day you would see children playing in the streets or adults taking a mild stroll through the park. The soft sun keeping the world warmer than the pleasant breeze. A parent might have been playing pretend with their child. A couple in each others loving embrace on a bench. But today was silent.

     Puddles from a recent acid shower lay in the holes of the what was once beautiful side walk. They sit in the streets and eat away at the once used and loved play sets. They would singe the pedals of the delicate flowers that once lined windows sills and walk ways. The dead husks of trees sitting as a reminder of what once was beautiful and innocent. Now burned and worn away by sin and greed of humanity.

     A lone tree sat under the protection of a building. Its leaves the golden orange and red of what should be a cool fall day. A single leaf floated down to the ground landing in a puddle. If you were outside you could hear a slight fizzle as as the acidic water broke down the gentle leaf. The only tree left that wasn't destroyed.

     The grass was even brown and singed. The lake that fish once swam happily in was coated in algae. You could even almost smell the lingering scent of death in the now toxic water. The air covered in a fowl and soured scent wasn't pleasant either. The fog of pollution and war covered what was once bright and sunny.

     Presley Smith gazed out of the dome where the last of humanity kept their water clean and treated. She pressed a hand against the ten inch thick plexiglass. She couldn't feel the breeze that ran through the top of the bare trees. A small sigh reverberated off the pristine glass.

     "Whatever happened to the world." She wondered aloud. It seemed like only yesterday the world was right. 

     The sky was blue. The air was crisp. The waters gorgeous and fresh. People walked the streets casually in clothes. Yet, now the sky was a dirty orange with black clouds. The greenery is dead. The unfiltered water a dank and dirty green. She knew what had happened but not how it had gone so far. She shook her head as if that would erase the bad thoughts from creeping in.

    In reality it had been six years since the chemical warfare had destroyed the land. air, and water. Humans paid no attention to the environment during the war. They turned their backs on the world. It only makes since the world turned its back on them as well.

     The children were told to forget the war. The youngest were simply not taught. In the six years humanity avoided the surface they seemed to forget how it happened.

Why it happened

How it could've been avoided.

     It will be generations before the earth could repair itself. Only those in water treatment and gardening can see the surface. Only those who scavenge can walk it. The rest live in titanium shelters connected intricately by a vast series of tunnels. Close enough to the surface to hear the rain but far enough below to not be harmed by the chemicals that cling to it.

     Their lights are powered by running water. Purification done with Iodine, Chlorine, and a number of other chemicals and minerals. Fresh air produced by trees sealed under domes and carefully cared for. Presley stood where the fresh water was kept, purified, circulated, and tested.

She stared in wonder as the last leaf on the tree outside fell.


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163 Reviews


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Thu Nov 19, 2020 2:09 pm
4revgreen wrote a review...



Hi there! You can call me Green, and i'm here to review this first part of your story. :-)

A soft wind blew North across the town of Bloomington. On any normal day you would see children playing in the streets or adults taking a mild stroll through the park. The soft sun keeping the world warmer than the pleasant breeze. A parent might have been playing pretend with their child. A couple in each others loving embrace on a bench. But today was silent.


This is a very nice opening, but I think you could link the sentences and ideas together a bit more. It sounds kind of clunky as it's lots of short, declarative sentences.

Puddles from a recent acid shower lay in the holes of the what was once beautiful side walk. They sit in the streets and eat away at the once used and loved play sets. They would singe the pedals of the delicate flowers that once lined windows sills and walk ways. The dead husks of trees sitting as a reminder of what once was beautiful and innocent. Now burned and worn away by sin and greed of humanity.


Be careful with your tenses here, as some of it is in present and whilst your story seems to be in past tense. This is some very lovely imagery of the town, however, and you are very clearly building up a setting.

Presley Smith gazed out of the dome where the last of humanity kept their water clean and treated. She pressed a hand against the ten inch thick plexiglass. She couldn't feel the breeze that ran through the top of the bare trees. A small sigh reverberated off the pristine glass.


yay, we finally are introduced to a character. I like how she is introduced here, intertwined with the scenery you have been describing!

The sky was blue. The air was crisp. The waters gorgeous and fresh. People walked the streets casually in clothes. Yet, now the sky was a dirty orange with black clouds. The greenery is dead. The unfiltered water a dank and dirty green.


I think you meant 'the sky had been blue, the air crisp and the waters fresh and gorgeous. People had walked the streets casually. But now, the sky was a dirty orange with black clouds, and the greeny was dead.' Your use of mixing tenses made it quite confusing to read.

She stared in wonder as the last leaf on the tree outside fell.


This is a nice way to end the chapter!

So, I think you really need to work of your sentence structures! You use a lot of short sentences, declarative ones. You don't need to be afraid of longer sentences with commas! You also should probably read through and check it's all in the same tense as it got a bit confusing to read. Also, you tell us a lot of the detail rather than showing it to us through description or dialogue between characters.

However, this is a really great intro to the story. I want to read more, as it's such an interesting concept. I can't wait to read more!

Keep writing!

-4revgreen




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Thu Nov 19, 2020 1:12 am
Lionhero333 wrote a review...



Hey there, lets get into it.

First things first, I don't knock anybody for grammar/spelling errors. There are obviously some, mainly because this is a rough draft im sure. And i think people come on sites like this to get advice and/or assurance on their storytelling.

The first paragraph was okay. I felt like it cold have been a better sell though. You mainly focus on people and what they do in parks to put simply. THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT IS OVER. SELL THAT SHIT.
😁
You had one bit right though, dont just come out and tell the reader about the beginning of the end. Tell them about the way the acid rain mangled the main character's neighbor or best friend. Dont tell me about the bunker tell me about how people scattered and children cried as they were forced underground and the MC left their diary or will miss the smell of the dew of the morning.

The timing feels off and so does the placement of the MC. If their in a dome, how can she see the dead trees. Is one of the people who can travel out into the world.

Six years also feels like not enough time to forget how the world ended.

You have something good. Its part one of a short story so I understand condensing but still I think you could flesh out the MC even more so and make the reader truly feel the gravity of what is happening.

You have peaked my interest and I truly want to know more about Presley.

I hope this helped if not then disregard it, keep what helps and throw away what doesnt.

I don't claim to be the greatest writer ever there is an infinite amount of ways to write. There is no real wrong way I feel. As long as you get your point across and the reader can truly comprehend it

Keep writing no matter what.🤙





Science is the best idea humans have ever had. The more people that embrace that idea, the better.
— Bill Nye