Published March 21, 2010
I sketched a sketch to trace a face
that clearly mirrors my own,
palm to palm in my memory,
my fingers to you are sewn
so tightly, knuckles whiten,
forehead craters like the gleaming moon
which we gaze from different shores,
still singing the same old tune,
feeling the same familiar sores
spawned from distance from your freckled face,
hands that cup and fingers lace.
I hope you still stare at that celestial sphere
and once more feel that I am near.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,249 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
Hey there!
Now to the poem:
When you sketch, it's pretty obvious that you're making a sketch. So try replacing that phrase with something like 'I made a sketch' or 'I sketched.'
This phrase sounds a bit strange. Maybe try rephrasing it?
It's supposed to be 'fingers that lace.'
Anyway, I thought this was pretty good. I like the imagery of the moon portrayed here.
I hope to see more work from you. Keep writing!
Hello, Lottyyy! Tassen Spellbinder here to review your poem!
The first thing I noticed was
"forehead craters like the gleaming moon
which we gaze from different shores,"
-- I think you should make it 'on which we gaze'.
"spawned from distance from your freckled face"
-- I think you should make it 'spawned from *the* distance'
"hands that cup and fingers lace."
-- I think you should add a 'that' before lace. It would keep the parallel structure.
Other than that, I couldn't find anything wrong. I did, however, find a whole lot right. I loved this poem! Keep writing!