[b]Ok, there's probably a load of mistakes, I'm just looking for some opinions. Thanks 
My name was Adelaide Molyneux, my grandparents being of French descent. I was a young child at the time, not more than thirteen summers old, with a stubbornness well beyond my years. I was living in a small village, north of a larger one, which in effect probably branched off into a further. It was called Loville after a desolate little creature that had once lived there. Charles Richard Loville. A strange being with deep thoughts and a furrowed brow. Such a pensive soul was he that none dared to enter his presence. I remember him to be a tall figure - a man that had to stoop to enter church, but yet he still had some godlike elegance about him. Father had often tried to restrain my wonders.
Winter was never my favourite season; the trees would stand devoid of their leaves, almost like a person with no soul, and without a soul what be a person? The icy artic winds would blow, and the frail rigid leaves would scatter. One should not be expected to leave one’s home in such conditions, yet they worsened. The rain would cascade with an estranged antagonism. T’was a day indifferent to this that I not more than a year later received my first telegram, but I was not to know of that for moons to come.
I had lived in Loville for many years, all thirteen of them. It was an ugly village - both in the sights and inhabitants - not one of picturesque scenes. Yet I was drawn still, to it’s convoluted buildings; they were not of great splendour but there was no stipulation that they were not intricately built. They had elongated pewter coloured sculptures, the sculptor wished them be described as ‘incarnations’ despite their obvious incongruence. The buildings themselves were not much of a spectacle: encrusted with thin sandstone, the walls themselves being almost completely perforated. My younger self was a lacklustre little being - an erratic soul with a negligible conscience - one which often overpowered me. Despite my insubordinate nature I was a composed creature among my parents, content with the sound of my own thoughts. I had no siblings excepting my brother. Marcel Molyneux.
I recall one of the many converstaions I had with him:
“What be truth really?”, I had asked.
“Truth; truth be the sun set over there, truth be this unspeakable incongruent life, truth be, no. Adie, truth be what we want it to be, truth be mouldable, there’s no real truth. Well none really, truth be a mere word, the real truth lies within you”. I had pondered many nights over that, t’was my brother’s way to offer no explanation. On the contrary he was an extremely clever being. A philosopher as he liked to describe hisself.
T’was a Thursday he was born if I recall correctly - or so said his birth certificate. The 9th of October 1896, making him eligible and conscripted to go to war. The thought ran shivers down my spine. He was not a man of weary fatigue, nor was he of diminutive vigour yet there was an air of fragility around him. How easily his spine could be fragmented, but more so how effortlessly his soul could be shattered -- how simply and thoughtlessly his spirit could be crushed:
“Need you go to war Marcel?”, I had asked him rather irate.
“Adie, Adie, Adie, you be a clever being do you not? Be you not of the knowledge that I will be fine - don’t fear Adie, never fear, for fear be the overpowering emotion. Let it in and it’ll eat up your whole essence, it’ll ebb out all goodness from your life Adie, don’t let it in.”
“S’not that Marcel, I don’t want you to go. I be not happy alone. I be not contented with mother’s presence, that sounds most discourteous, but Marcel, I need you here. I don’t want you to go Marcel.”
“You be scared Adelaide. I can tell.”
“Yes, I do be scared but I be not scared for me. I be not scared for mother or even for father - father be strong and he be not easily distracted. But Marcel, what about you? What about you.”
“You let passion get too close Adie” he gestured towards a solitary tear rolling from my eyes. My soul was absent. “You should not let passion get too close either Adie - for passion be not a deadly killer but it be a danger, a chronic danger, let passion too close and it will never leave Adie. For me? You fear for me”, he laughed, a curious spectacle in such a conversation.
“And why be that so funny?”, I demanded growing infuriated.
“Aah! Adie. Do not worry, I will be fine, it be just a little touch of fate. Fate intertwines with every life; as much as you would like to think otherwise. Fate be not a subject of fear, look upon it as a spectacle of routine. As much as I wish to reside amongst my dreams it be simply not respectable to waste one’s life wishing upon stars. It be not acceptable to forget to live within the real world. It be not appropriate for me to dwell on anything but reality. Promise me one thing Adie, if you ever promise me anything. Promise me that you will not fear, Adie. Promise me.”
“I will try Marcel. I will. But I be not in a position to promise you Marcel. It be not possible.”
I was always the one to brood. My brother had his own way of fretting within hisself. Yet he was rather reclusive, more philosophical than most. He was a being of high principles. A most irregular soul, with deep abysmal roan eyes, and a most distinct nose that stood almost completely perpendicular. He had a monocle that he would sometimes place on an eye, and look down at me while I would laugh most hysterically and deride his strange ways. My brother was a most perplexing creature - almost elusive.
T’was a pleasant Autumn that year. I recall the wind blowing sweetly , yet verging on macabrely, perhaps the notion that this would not develop into a further storm pleased me. The leaves blew, like rigid skeletal bodies, their frames shivering. The sky was devoid of a sun, but yet glimpses of light were visible through the ample clouds. So began my story …
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Thanks to everyone that reviewed this, you have all been invaluable
I might carry on with it but probably not. Thankyou so much to all that have helped though 
I love you's so much xD you rock 
I'm not sure if I'm going to carry on with this as I am planning to do a complete rewrite from scratch of Orli and Eden. I am also planning another novel for 2009 but mostly I'm just taking things as they happen so you never know
Thanks so much Kallilope xD
It needs serious work
And I really have to work out how to develop the relationship between Adelaide and Marcel better
Thanks so much for reviewing
You rock xD
xxx
Hi Kirsten,
Characters: So far we have Adelaide and Marcel. One thing I'd be careful about is the good old "show, not tell", you do some telling, for example saying that Adelaide is stubborn, but it didn't immensly bother me. I think it may be because the is the first part and because it's first person and the telling are at the same time your MC's coments.
Dialogue: I thought the dialogue was good, but there was one thing that bothered me. It seemed that whatever Adelaide would say, her brother would voice his opinion about a certain emotion or thing, which in itself is fine, since he's a philosophic lad, but he would do it in a very similar manner. Also Adelaide would just kind of swallow it all up. Doesn't really seem to fit her, even though he's her beloved and admired older brother.
Plot: So far we've got: Adelaide and her brother love each other dearly, but he has to go to war. He tells her not to worry.
Setting: You did a great job in describing where your story takes place. I'd be careful about how much information you give, make sure you don't info-dump. Here however it was fine. The description of the village and it's location gave me a feel for the atmosphere and hearing about who it was named after and all was fun. Great for an introduction, but beware of info-dumping in the future 
Overall: I generally enjoyed reading this and the only things I'd say need work are the dialogue and some of the tenses (hence, some nitpicks).
since you asked for an overall opinion rather than nitpicks I'll skip those. But I'd look at the tenses again in places. Just something I noticed once or twice, but we all do that
General Stuff: I liked your voice immediately. Easy to follow, likeable and the old English really adds to the atmosphere.
I would however in future parts steer away from telling. Also I would make sure that you also show what you have said before. I haven't really noticed any particular stubbornness in Adelaide's behavior. Only passion.
Hence, I would see to it that if you do tell you show everything as well. Comments by your narrator should be there to, well, comment on something that has been shown, hence characterize Adelaide more, if that makes sense.
Both your characters are likeable and I've already gotten somewhat of a feel for them, which is great for a beginning, so kudos.
I really loved the description of him though.
This is not a lot, but for a first chapter it is absolutely fine. Adelaide has won me over and was this a book already, I would absolutely read on.
Well done! Keep it up
All the best,
~Kalliope
Thanks so much to everyone that's reviewed this
It's been a great help to me
-Kirsten xxx
and thanks to you especially Sarah, you've reviewed it twice!!!!!
x
The main thing I noticed was how the first paragraph seemed almost choppy at first. I think that you talk about so much in that little sapce that even though you do have it flow together nicely there's just to much info. Maybe divy it up into separate paragraphs and add a little more to each.
Next, I liked your use of old english, although the repeated "be" got really annoying after a while. If your going to to that the whole story long it might be nicce if you could tone it down, just slightly so that we don't lose the effect.
I also liked your characterization, and I think you have a wonderful way of coming up with names (which I might try). One thing that would be nice would be to get a bit of a hint as to what age Adie is.
Yes, your prolouge is slow, but I don't think it's any the worse for that. It still drew me in enough, and this isn't even close to my regular genra.
Anyway, those are just my thoughts. I hope they help you, and that you continue on with this piece of work.
Sorry if this sounds a little harsh. And because i gave you something of mine to review in 'review for food' threat, i decided it to be polite to do yours! That's my way of payment
Now it is only a prologue so not as detailed/thorough as it would be normally for me. And i use comments more now these days because it is just easier than messing all the page.
grammar needs work.
The question mark is your comma. No need for a comma at all here.
eg "I want you," Marcel sighed. Would be a comma used appropriately. Because you have a question mark, you just keep writing.
Description/detail/vocab is amazing! I commend you
[/b]Content was a bit slow - i am being totally honest. Unless you want me to lie - but i just don't think you want that? It was a little slow (i know it is prologue). But shouldn't, theoretically, this draw the reader in? most prologues i have read are faster paced, with some sort of something happening? But the way you have done this is great - while it is slow i had to keep reading - and I don't think you could really make one better (contradicting my above statement, but without this... hmm it would not work) sorry to confuse you. Keep.
Emotion was flat. Her brother is going to war. She didn't react much. Remember a prologue is, while being like an introductory thing, should be just like a chapter. It is fairly devoid of emotion - what does Loville smell like? Is it narrow streets? Clean? I know it's old but is it shabby and shambled or just in need of minor repair? I know it is only a recall of a conversation with her brother, but how does she feel??
use of be[b] was overused. Who talks like that? Ever? I know mildly of that time period and.. you can use better words than that.
But you should post the subsequent story. I'd like to see where you actually took it. And good on you for this!
Hey there, Kirsten!
Just thought I'd give you one of my advice critiques, as I'm bored and need to get up my reviewing count.
One of your greatest strengths in this story, I feel, is going to be character developement. Rightly done in this piece, it could turn out amazing. So here's some tips to keep it consistent.
Show characters in different lights when you get a chance. Yes, a character in question can also be a villain. Show them interacting with different people, seeing the world through their own perspective, having their inner monologues, contradicting themselves(yet make sure these contradictions apply consistently and make sense), changing into different directions, having crises of faiths, justifying themselves, making decisions and taking actions of their own, taking chances, making mistakes, trying to make up for them and, the most important of all, getting in different conflicts, be they large-scale, personal or interpersonal.
Keep a notebook nearby, and write down little details about real people. Does your friend have a strange way of twisting her hair when she's excited? Do you notice how your brother has a comeback for everything? These little details make up the character.
Think of creative names - you're particularly good at this one! In your notebook, keep a record of names you might like to use one day. These include your friends' names, your relatives' names, and names you spot one day while you're reading or surfing the net. Names like Jennifer and Brian are common and easy to remember, but you should record names like Arista and Montague, which you don't see very often.
Flesh out your character. If you are developing one very important character, have fun with it! Give your character an entire profile! What is his/her name? Where were they born, and when? Do they wear striped socks or solid ones? Is their hair blue or flame-red? Write down a bunch of these details, even if they may not be necessary for the story.
Make sure your character has a name that fits their personality. In real life, we can't control our changing personalities, but in a story, we can. You wouldn't name a lawyer James Kooklebury (unless he was also a part-time clown). Also, don't be afraid of irony! If someone is named Lila Brown, when they actually hate brown, it adds a bit of humor.
Hey! Here to review ^^
Into a further what? I'm not sure what you're trying to say here.
Okay, but why did he get a town named after him? Just because someone's a little odd, doesn't mean they are worthy to get a town named after them. If it were so, I would have a town named after myself
Okay, I'm a little confused. Your choice of language changes from fairly modern at the start to older fashioned later on. You have to keep this consistent, so if you really want to do it in older language, then make sure you know it better then your reader will.
You also jump from using fairly normal, simple language to rather complicated, less used language and descriptions. While using different language from the norm is fine, your character needs to develop her voice, and make it her own. If this is inconsistent you will have trouble making your character convincing.
Okay, this 'it's' doesn't need an apostrophe. If you don't know why not, read this- viewarticlebody.php?t=35798 it is a very good lesson on how to use apostrophes. I'm not sure how confident you are on the rest of the basics, but look at the section 'it's vs its'.
Contrary to what? Everything you had said supports that he was clever. Just because he doesn't offer an explanation it's not enough of a reason to imply he was stupid.
Shouldn't do be 'be' or 'are'? I'm not entirely sure, I'm not too familiar with language from this period.
Once you get into it, the language becomes more consistent. I would suggest to work on the beginning.
Overall, I enjoyed it. You have a distinct style going here, and once you have worked on the beginning, it should be a solid start to a story. There is a possibility you should tone down on your obscure and little known words- too many and your market becomes limited. I would need a dictionary to understand everything (yes I know, I have a small vocabulary). Just keep in mind not everyone has the knowledge of an English professor at their disposal.
But apart from that, I could see little wrong with it at all, well done.
If you have any questions, feel free to PM me, I'll be glad to help.
Thanks Merry!
) and use part of each word to create a surname which sounds right. Ok eg:
It kind of got a tad messed up, at first it was going to take place during the first world war but now it's kind of more in the 1800's. So yeah, most of it is totally messed up now
Thankyou so much for your review
Ah, the names. Ok, this will seem strange. I just happen to know a lot of old and unique first names, but when it comes to surnames (Especially those of foreigners) I haven't a clue. Ok, what I do is I establish their qualities,
brave, courageous, philosophical etc and then translate each of those words (via the trusty google translator, or my tiny knowledge of the French language
intelligent, individual and short (for lack of better examples)
intelligente + individuelle + petite =
telindieite
So it's like extremely confusing
Thanks again
-Kirsten xxx
Hey, Kristen! Because you gave some comments on my story I shall give you some, also.
If you're just looking for comments then I shall give you some. But don't you want me to pin-point the mistakes?
I have to ask, where do you get these names? They're unique and interesting.
I like how you say it's thirteen summers old. Makes it very historical-based.
Wow. The way you describe Winter is amazing. I like the soul scenario.
This is kind of confusing a bit. Try shortening it down.
What war? And where is this taken place at?
This is an odd sentence and I feel like something is missing.
Kristen-
These are all the comments I have. The language and dialect is very strange. Where do you get it from? I've never really heard people talk like that before.
I do like to see where you're going with this. Please pm me when the next installment goes up.
-Merry
What do you mean, her name "was"?
I think it should be "wondering" or "curiosity."
"Sunset" is one word.
Same thing here.
Overall: I like this. It introduces the story well.
Okay
Nice to know, I'm not really any expert of old ways of writing...
I'm so glad I could be of help!
xxx
Yes, excepting is an old way to say except for
x
Thankyou Demeter
x
I don't really like the prologue that much. Hahah yes, it does get very repetitive in some parts 
It gets better in the next chapter though (I hope!)
Thankyou so much for reviewing, you and Sarah've been a great help to me. Thankyou x
Yep! There's a lot of mistakes, Adelaide does become much more well developed in following chapters thank goodness
The what about you part; the second what about you is a statement not a question.
Hi there, Kirsten was it?
Let's get started, then!
Nitpicks:
It's kind of repulsive when you start a new paragraph with completely different topic; it doesn't connect whatsoever with the previous paragraph. I just wondered, "Does this winter thing have anything to do with anything?" So you should work on that paragraph change to be a little smoother.
I wouldn't suggest you use this abbreviation for the narrative part; if you want to use it, leave it for the dialogue.
Is "excepting" an old way to say "except for"? It might be, but I'd still write "except for".
Commas before "Adie". These weren't the only parts that need a comma, but you got the idea.
A question mark?
A comma before "he" (and after "Adie").
This was somewhat funny. You decided to take everything out of the 19th century thing, didn't you?
Overall:
It was fun and different reading something that's not in modern language. I liked "ye olde English" in the narrative parts, but in dialogue it felt awkward and just... not good. I can't say I liked that constant repetition of "I be scared" and "why be that funny". I don't mean your characters should say "yo, dude!" but you could, indeed, make it a little more neutral. But, as I said, in narrating it worked well. However, I think your main problem is here is that you've put so much effort in making things sound oldish, you haven't quite succeeded in making Adelaide's personality to stand out. Of course, this is only the prologue; you've got plenty of time to making Adelaide more real. Keep writing!
I hope this helped,
Demeter xxx
Ah, if it's a statement that's fine. I must have misunderstood the interjection.
xxx
Thanks Sarah (:
x
I know there was loads of mistakes in it, I haven't edited it yet
one thing. When you say there should be a question mark after the second What about you I don't think there should. she's saying it like a statement more than a question. Thankyouu
Hi There Kirsten! I just want to say first off- when I correct stuff, it's definitely not beacuse your writing's crap or anything. It's probably because your writing's so amazing that I can only find nit-picks. So please don't get put off my editing, I just try to be as helpful as possible. Okay, on with it! -Oh, just one tip. Over here people tend to be a bit lazy about paragraphs, so if you divided this up into smaller paragraphs, you'd probably get more reviews. Don't worry, I did exactly the same on my first posts.
Worse, in fact.
I am so ready for this story!
My name was Adelaide Molyneux, my grandparents being of French descent. I was a young child at the time, not more than thirteen summers old, with a stubbornness well beyond my years. I was living in a small village, north of a larger one, which in effect probably branched off into a further. It was called Loville after a desolate little creature that had once lived there. Charles Richard Loville. A strange being with deep thoughts and a furrowed brow. Such a pensive soul was he that none dared to enter his presence. I remember him to be a tall figure - a man that had to stoop to enter church, but yet he still had some godlike elegance about him. Father had often tried to restrain my wonders.
Usually people mention 'showing and not telling' in writing. But seeing as this is an introduction to the story, I think this works perfectly. I love your use of sophisticated, un-touched words, it makes the whole thing rather quaint and immedietely emerges the reader into the time period, rather than just stating 'it was at this time', etc. Very well done. It drags you in.
Winter was never my favourite season; the trees would stand devoid of their leaves, almost like a person with no soul, and without a soul what be a person?
This is a good insight - immedietly we get character developement in so short a space.
Yet I was drawn still, to it’s convoluted buildings;
I don't think 'its' needs an apostrophe in it, since it's being used in the possesive sense.
They had elongated pewter coloured sculptures, the sculptor wished them be described as ‘incarnations’ despite their obvious incongruence. The buildings themselves were not much of a spectacle: encrusted with thin sandstone, the walls themselves being almost completely perforated.
You are too amazing at the whole 'Old English' thing. All the classics, methinks, rubbins off on you. It's really refreshing to read something which doesn't use modern English.
“What be truth really?”, I had asked.
No need for that comma after the question mark.
“Need you go to war Marcel?”, I had asked him rather irate.
Comma after 'him'.
I don’t want you to go Marcel.”
Comma after 'go'.
“You be scared Adelaide. I can tell.”
Comma after 'scared'.
“Yes, I do be scared
I'm not sure this is gramatically correct, you know, 'I do be scared,' but as long as it fits in with the time period, it's fine. If I were you I wouldn't worry about it.
but I be not scared for me. I be not scared for mother or even for father - father be strong and he be not easily distracted. But Marcel, what about you? What about you.”
Question mark after the second 'What about you'
“And why be that so funny?”, I demanded growing infuriated.
Comma after 'demanded.'
I was always the one to brood. My brother had his own way of fretting within hisself. Yet he was rather reclusive, more philosophical than most. He was a being of high principles. A most irregular soul, with deep abysmal roan eyes, and a most distinct nose that stood almost completely perpendicular. He had a monocle that he would sometimes place on an eye, and look down at me while I would laugh most hysterically and deride his strange ways. My brother was a most perplexing creature - almost elusive.
I loved this, it was very polished. I liked the description of the 'monocle' and things - it's details like those that make a story real.
T’was a pleasant Autumn that year. I recall the wind blowing sweetly , yet verging on macabrely, perhaps the notion that this would not develop into a further storm pleased me. The leaves blew, like rigid skeletal bodies, their frames shivering. The sky was devoid of a sun, but yet glimpses of light were visible through the ample clouds. So began my story.
Adored this description.
This was amazing overall and I can't sing your praises enough. Very, very well done. I cannot wait to read the next installment.
Good luck with writing, it will be great!
xxx