Okay; I've never written poetry before. Ever. I admit that this is probably terrible. Atrocious. probably a huge failure. It doesn't claim to be otherwise. Just a little something I came up with in five minutes.
a most strange spectacle;
to behold the stars,
glimmering.
the withered clouds’ corpses
dance, august.
to reach for the stars,
a most stupendous ideal,
but to reach with grubby hands,
even more so.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,903 Literary Works • 673,707 Reviews
Hi there Kirsten!
a most strange spectacle;
to behold the stars,
glimmering.
I do agree that 'glimmering' doesn't quite fit in with the atmosphere you're trying to create [which is really great at the moment.] Glimmering is just a slightly overused adjective for the purpose of this poem, maybe you could have used something a bit stronger or emotive, something a bit less devoid of melancholy - which is really the atmosphere of this poem, as it's really quite sad, in a way.
to reach for the stars,
a most stupendous ideal,
but to reach with grubby hands,
even more so.[/b]
This was a brilliant last verse. I found it mature and perceptive, and I think it had a lot of hidden meaning. If it was analysed and people searched within its deepest depths [what superb phrasing!] they would find layers and layers of alllusions and connotations. I'm not quite up to an indepth analysis at the moment, but I do think this was a wonderful verse to end with. It reminds me, for some reason, of that famous anonymous poem, 'two men looked out through bars, the one saw mud, the other stars.' I'm not saying you've copied or plagiarised it in any way, it just seems of that same calibre/theme, and it's just brilliant work.
Well done, Kirsten! You've outdone yourself.
-Sarah
I love the last stanza--it's practically begging to be quoted. I like the poem as a whole, though I didn't the first time I read it. The title is apt and a real part of the poem (I like the way you didn't somehow repeat it in the body of the poem) but made me think the speaker's voice was supposed to be that of a child, which it clearly isn't. I don't have any suggestions for how to amend the title but you might consider doing so, just to make it less confusing. Something along the same lines but a little different, maybe. The length of the poems is good. I also really like the structure of the poem, with a sort of bridge in the middle, but I think 'dance' is the wrong word for the clouds. This is the bridge, afterall, designed to separate one part of the poem from the other. I imagined the clouds moving across the sky, separating the gazer from the stars. 'Dance august' doesn't quite fit with that image, in my mind. The other word I didn't like was 'glimmering'; in comparison to the rest of the poem it just sounded cliche and lame.
It may be your first poem but I wouldn't have been able to tell that from reading it. I'd love to see what your second poem looks like if your first is this good!
-BFg
I liked reading this! It had really good voice, especially if you say you've never written poetry before. How is that possible? What about haikus in english class? : )
I think this semi-colon is out of place. I'm a minimalist when it comes to poetic punctuation, so I wouldn't put anything at the end of that line. It should at least be a comma.
Dance august? What? So, I looked up that word to see if it meant something other than just the month. If you mean "magestic" or "venerable" I think the word should be augustly because it is an adverb describing dance. But if you mean something else entirely, I'm just slow! : )
Again I think this semi-colon should be a comma. The word "ideal" threw me off a bit. I love what you're trying to say, but it seems a bit off to me. I LOVE THE LAST TO LINES SOOOO MUCH. honestlyyy.
This poem is so great, looking back on it for the second time. You say something without using "I" or "he" or "they" or anything that has to do with people. And I like the way you use a mix of interesting words, words that a child wouldn't know. But still, it has the essence of a child. It flows well and has beautiful simplicity. If this is your first work, I'd like to see what you can do with practise. Bravo!
rachel