Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Okayy...this was actually a really fun story to read. You do a pretty good job on the horror aspect and you have some nice moments of humor in this too which I personally enjoyed the most.

Anyway let's get right to it,

13th May, 2021 that was. I woke up on a train to Darjeeling. This is the 4th time I'm going there, the first three tours are just blurry images on my eyes. Its natural, I was only 3 or 4 years old at that time.

My aunt recently bought a flat in this some....13 year old apartment. It was a 15 floored apartment with a really nice interior as well as exterior, but not so nice manager....

The manager of this apartment is the ugliest, grumpiest, most untidy and dirtiest person I've ever met. I often get into arguments with him. He always says a really stupid thing. He says that floor number 13 is..... nevermind.

My aunt lives on the topmost floor of this apartment, so everytime we go out, we need to take the lift to go back to my aunt's flat.

The next day, means, 14th May we went out to and eat at a restaurant and just hangout. We came back at nearly 11:00pm. That was really late, anyways, we took the lift and were chatting about how good the food was etc. Suddenly the lift stopped with a jerk and it got all dark.

It was so dark that the lift seemed to be completely empty. Or, was it really empty.....?

"MOM?! DAD?! AUNT?!" No one answered

"WHERE ARE YOU PEOPLE?" I was screaming at the top of my lungs.

Does this mean... I'm alone?

Where am I? Which floor is this? Am I on the 15th floor already?

The lift door suddenly slid open. Moonlight was coming through one pf the windpws.....it was so sweet to see the corridor being lit up like that...

I was walking out of the lift as if mesmerized by something....or rather.... someone. Who is that? I don't know. She's so beautiful....but, how do know that? Im only seeing her back.

She turned around, facing me...she is coming to me. I don't know what she's wearing, it's all white and torn...just a large piece of white cloth. I still couldn't see her face even though she's coming so near.... slowly,gracefully.

"Who are you?" I asked still feeling mesmerized.

I could hear a soft, sweet laugh coming from her. She made eye contact with me and the lights started to glitch.

No, I was wrong, she's not that beautiful....but I know that face... Isn't that..

"MANAGER?!" I gave one last scream and ran at the top of my speed.

I fell inside the lit up lift and crouched down. The lift buttons said that I was on the 13th floor...And that's when I woke up, all sweaty and panting.

Hey! Forever here with a tiny review!!

To begin with, the inconsistency of tense. Either write the whole story in past tense or in present tense. It completely depends on you which one to choose. You frequently changed tenses in the story. From past to present and from present to past. Maintaining one tense throughout is important.

Next, a tiny nitpick. It's better to write the numbers in words. Like 4th. It's better to write it as fourth. The same goes for 3 or 4 years. The dates are acceptable though.

Now with the story itself. I guess you could mention your current age in the story. Maybe by just including after how many years you were travelling. I am telling because that would clarify a bit about the time in between. As of the story, you travelled to Darjeeling 3 times when you were three to four years old. That concludes that it was very frequent. Is there anything that caused you to stop travelling there?

Well. The way you described the manager... It seemed like you knew him for many days and that contradicts what you said at the beginning. You said that you have almost forgotten about the past three trips. I don't know but if you kind of wanted to say that you remembered the manager because of his not-so-good manners, you can just specify it. It would help in emphasizing the fact too. The same goes for other details that followed it. I don't really expect a 3-4 year child to remember all these if they are travelling after quite a few years as I felt while reading the story.

I really liked the climax scene that happened in this story. I haven't read horror stories describing the significance of a lift in such a story, so this was new and quite entertaining at the same time. The only thing I want to know is the fact how did the lady turn into the manager. I mean what did the narrator really see when they saw the manager? Was he in his own dress or was he in the lady's torn dress? I mean the total figure was of the lady and only the face was of the manager's? I would suggest to specify that. Maybe not in a detailed manner but maybe a sentence. The best aspect of the story is how you set the atmosphere of the story from the very beginning and the feeling of ambiguity at the end. We don't know if it was the narrator's imagination because they perhaps were afraid of dark or something was really wrong in there.

Overall, i quite enjoyed reading the story.

Keep Writing!!

~Forever