Published August 11, 2011
We were sparring in the woods, using sticks as swords. His name is Tim, and I am Ariana. We fought long and hard. Just as we thought we saw a gap in the other's defences, it closed as the other person lashed out and took advantage of the momentary opening, just to be parried. He tired slightly faster than I, so in the end he was fighting to parry my blows. Eventually Tim ran, and I chased after him. For a second I lost sight of him, then an arm struck out of nowhere and disarmed me. He then pointed his 'sword' at my throat.
"I win" he said gloatingly.
I then grabbed the hilt of his 'sword', kicked his wrist, and ran around behind him and held it at his neck.
"Oh really?" I asked.
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138,055 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
I wanted to thank you all for the critique, and I will get to fixing it when I get the chance!
"was lacking where it ends?"
LOL! Why does that have to be where it ends? Tell me when a story actually ends! Because it doesn't it just depends on where/when you decide to stop writing.
I get this all the time but my teachers love it. I love throwing my readers into a story and then leave them hanging on a cliff hanger. Its great and I thoroughly enjoy it!
Okay yes this piece is short. Its for a 150 word contest. Now this could be expanded on A LOT! So much could be added but maybe just maybe that would make it over 150 words long? If the writer chose to do so. Just saying.
I thought it was good for the contest, now I think the writer should expand on the piece and let their fingers go and have fun with it! Without the 150 word limit
This piece needs work, but it served its purpose well I think. Or that could just be me....because I'm just a insane....
KJR
Hi there,
I think some of the other reviewers were harsh and unfair. I think within these 150 words lies a great little tale. It plays out with a bit of character. I'm not sure if you really did well with the theme but as far as writing a compelling scene, you have done well. You have however been very wasteful with your words, you could fit a lot more story in if you were a bit more brutal about editing this. I will strike out extra phrases and words that really add little.
These names are irrelevant and in a may refine the perception of the reader in a bad way. We can no longer imagine them as anyone any more because they have names and with names come assumptions. Tim - caucasian male, Ariana - russian? female. But these assumptions don't add anything to the story, I'm happy to imagine them as a couple of kids from anywhere, these details do more than meet us halfway and you don't have time to delve into details. You see, and why are there names important you could use pronouns for this entire piece and it would be grand.
Okay, so the main problem with this is you tell us everything, you don't show us much. You open with
You should say something like
They both imply the same thing, except my line paints a picture yours does not.
Second point, you fail to let things happen naturally in succession. That is to say, you force in words like 'then' and 'after' and so on. The reader will assume the chronological order, we seldom take simultaneity for granted. so when you say
it should be something like:
Hope that helps, and like I said this is great but you really should get into the habit of showing as opposed to telling!
Good luck,
JP
Hey LostMagi42,
I really don’t like when people introduce characters like this in a story. Be creative!Defenses.
The story was sort of boring, but that maybe because of the length. I don't know the rules of the competition or if you had a topic to pick from. I just feel like you should add more feeling in it.
Thats all, nice story!
PM me or post on my wall if you have any questions!
-Boo
Hehe, hi there.
The sheer length of this makes it difficult to critique. I think... I'm not sure what to say, actually. I think the problem is that I find myself, as the reader, unable to connect with the characters at all. There's no development, no connection, no excitement. When I don't know who's fighting, or even why they're fighting, I don't care about the outcome. I don't know if I'm rooting for Tim or Ariana.
I might consider a massive rewrite with this... I know it's difficult to fit any sort of development into such a short amount of words, but I know it can be done, I've seen it done before. I think you might be wise to not attempt writing a solid action scene for this contest. Really, what makes action exciting is our interest in the persons performing the action, is it not?
All that negativity being said, I just want to assure you that I do like your writing style. I feel that if this scene was in part of a chapter of part of a book, which had fully revealed Tim and Ariana and their back stories, then it would be very skillfully done. It's just lack of context that makes it difficult for me to stomach. It's really adorable as a concept, I loved having play-fights as a kid, and it brings back the memories.
Thank you for writing and putting it out there for us! Enjoyable.
~PurpleShade~
I see this is for the 150 words contest. From what I've gathered of what's going on, your two characters are fighting. And one disarms the other. And then, the story just sort of flops. The scene seems to be briefly described and then the story altogether just seems to end quite abruptly. It had a nice start, but it only seemed to read as a good beginning. Perhaps something a little extra was lacking where it ends?
I think it 's cool to see this small opening fight scene seem serious and then it end up being the imagination of two kids. The childish dynamic is quite sweet. I feel as if you could do so much more with this though, considering it seems to be a battle of sorts between two kids. Use the guideline of 150 words to your advantage and try and spice up a small point to what is being written. I understand that you downplay the severity of a "sword fight" with innocence, it just seems to hold at that. I think it could be tweaked just a tad right where it ends. =D
Overall, I think this is quite a good first draft. It's a little more difficult trying to critique though considering how short it is, but I thought I'd at least give it my best shot by thinking of how it could be improved anyway. Nice work.
-Smylin'