Long ago back in 1213, a war broke out on earth between Heaven and Hell. The seas flooded sending cities all over the world to a watery grave. Fire rained from the sky setting the rest of the surviving cites ablaze killing billions of innocent lives. They destroyed everything in their paths, leaving the planet broken and dying. This dreadful event was named the "Day of Reckoning."
Ashamed for what they had done the Angels left the Earth, surrendering it the Demons. To repent for their sins the Angels left their most beloved treasure some where on earth in hopes that a human survivor would find it and bring peace back to the worlds. This treasure was known as "Eden's Star."
It's been 34 years since that day and there's still no sigh of the star. Some say it was just a myth to give people hope, but I believe that the star is real and out there somewhere, just waiting to be found.
Chapter one:
"Target spotted." Informed Zeke in hushed voice.
"Take the shot." Replied a staticy voice in his ear. Zeke leveled his eye to the scope on his rifle, focusing it on a large goat like figure 50 feet away from where he was hiding on top of a fallen building. It was feasting on on a human corpus, oblivious to it's surroundings as it fed.
Steadying his arm Zeke inhaled deeply, pulling the trigger. The bullet flow through the air with a quite hum before hitting the target in its blood red eye. The demon let out a furious roar before falling to the already blood stained ground, next to it's victim.
"Enemy has been euthanized, feel free to move out at anytime." he reported into his headset.
"Thanks Zeke, I'll send the Scavenger team, you can come back to base now."
Zeke stood up from his perch and stretched, wincing as his bones popped in relief, "I'm getting too old for this," he protested out loud as he picked up his sniper he lugged it over his shoulder and made his way back to camp. The camp was a few blocks from where he was. It hidden in the cellar of what use to be an apartment but was now just a pile of brick and metal, but despite the mess the basement was still usable. He made his way down the concrete stairs that led to the entrance of the camp and knocked an the metal door in a rhythmic pattern.The door quickly opened and a pair of hands pulled him in as the door shut and locked behind him.
"Welcome home." Greeted the owner of the hands, Ace, as he let go of Zeke, "How many did you kill today?" He asked, leading him into one of the basement apartments and plopped down on the couch.
Zeke shrugged setting his gun agents the wall before joining Ace, "Not sure," He sighed, pulling his hair out of the pony tail and letting it fall down to his shoulder blades in a wave of black, "Maybe 14."
"Wish I could have been there with you." He said, nodded, His short sandy brown dreadlocks bounded around as he did so. Zeke smiled softly, closing his eyes and laying his head back agents the back of the couch.
"You know if you left the base all hell would brake lose down here. you're the leader of this group and the string holding us all together. Without you we would all be lost, at lest I know I would be." He opened one of his eyes to look up at Ace's stunned face, "What?"
"Nothing," Said Ace with a smirk, 'Just didn't know you thought so highly of me is all."
"Of course I do, if you hadn't found me in the wreckage 4 years ago, I would have died." He trailed off at the thought of it all, waking up in the middle of no where with no memory of what was going on or how he got there. The only thing he could remember was his name, Ezekiel Stirling. It was Ace and his gang who found him nearly dead and starving. They took him in and taught him how to survive in this new world. He stood up and headed toward the door.
"Where are you going?"
"I forgot, I need to see Kit about more blessed bullets," and with that he was gone.
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141,302 Literary Works • 674,338 Reviews
Hello.
Allow me to start with your three paragraph introduction. It is setup, which is discouraged in writing circles. If you think that this information is Absolutely Required for readers not to be lost, think again. Readers are looking to be entertained, and discover a brand new world on their own. We have no questions about the world's situation right at the start, therefore we have no need for answers. It is much more effective (while also being a lot more work) to incorporate information into the story's narrative.
I understand it's hard to find the right balance between needed and unneeded information (I've been struggling with it, myself), but the general rule of thumb I've discovered is readers only need to find out what is going on in the world once something different about the world has shown up. And, when something different has shown up, they need the bare minimum answer. This article goes into more depth on needed and unneeded information.
Stepping away from the introduction, I noticed your dialogue punctuation could use some polishing up. You might find this article helpful. It breaks down dialogue punctuation well.
Also, general grammar/spelling. Within the first three paragraphs, you have these errors outside of your dialogue punctuation:
1- The correct word is "corpse".
2- "It's" is the short form of "it is". You are looking for the possessive: "its"
1- "Flow" refers to water. I believe you're looking for "flew".
2- See "2" of the previous quote.
Try to proofread your work before submitting, especially since spell-check won't catch all the errors. Spelling and grammar can be difficult to learn (I struggled with it for years), but well worthwhile. Pick up grammar books, ask people to proofread your work before you submit it anywhere. And study their corrections. That's the only way you can improve.
On beginnings: There is one very critical question to ask yourself when showing a situation, especially the beginning: Why should readers care?
Asking why readers should care gets you focusing on what the readers will want. Right now, I have no reason to care about this character. He's shooting at something. What makes this particular shot important? What emotional investment does this shot hold? Answering those questions in the prose will give readers a point to relate to your character, finding out more about his situation and a little snippet of his personality. I'd focus on that more, mixing it in with the mechanics of shooting. Give the shot a purpose that's visible without needing the prologue. That connection between reader and character is really important thing to have at the beginning, because that's what determines if we keep reading.
This article goes into the topic of beginnings bit more.
On guns: While I have never shot a gun myself, I have several friends who have for a rather long time. I asked them a few questions about guns and shooting, getting these answers:
For starters, fifty feet is a very short distance for a rifle. If you missed a shot at fifty feet at a gun range, you would be labeled as inexperienced. A fifty foot building is also rather short (Only about five or six stories, assuming a ceiling hight of eight to ten feet per floor inside). This makes a scope unneeded (sights on the rifle will do), especially since it is a large target.
Also, fifty feet is not long enough air time for a bullet to hum. If you want the bullet to hum, you'll have to increase the distance.
Next, the target's reaction to being hit. Eye is basically an instant kill shot, seeing as there is very little bone between your eye and your brain. Animals will often down with no reaction at all when hit in the eye. The type of damage depends on if it's a hunting round, or a sniper round.
There is also the mention of how he has to steady his arm. With how a rifle is shot, steadying the arm is not needed. A pistol would require arm steadying, but that is a very different gun from a rifle.
I would strongly suggest you research guns more. Find out the average ranges for different types of guns, and types of shooting. Hunting and sniping are very different territories. Talk to people who know guns, plus research online and in books. It'll help give you a better grasp on the opening situation, which will let you make it more realistic and insure accuracy.
And, finally, your use of the word "euthanized." Euthanasia refers to painless mercy killing, not hunting. Another word is required, unless you prove this was a painless mercy kill.
Overall, this could use some work. Clean up the grammar and spelling, get a better grip on gun use, and the character himself. Consider cutting the infodump and let readers be confused for awhile. Confusion will keep us reading.
Hope this helps. PM me if you need anything.
~Rosey
Hi,
I think you're plot's great, it's remarkably unique. All though I feel that the prologue could have been a bit longer. Try to give the background a more picturesque review maybe?
This one's just a suggestion, but try to create a co-relation between 34 years ago and now. It will hold on the story better and even create a good flow.
Really nice work, waiting to read more from you.
Keep writing.