“Well go ahead,” he barked “Say it!” The small boy looked at the ground. I can’t, thought the boy. The bully grabbed his shirt and slammed him into the lockers. Over the lockers’ shutters you could hear faint voices in the background. The small boy tried to pull himself up but it just made his situation worse. He got picked up in the air for a few seconds. As this happened the whole mob was silent, counting the long seconds until it happened. The bully using what seemed like most of his strength, slammed the small boy on to the ground. The darkness overcame the small boy, he was knocked out. One teacher, two teachers, three teachers. They came out frantically as they heard the painful slam.
All was silent. The lights were bright, especially for just waking up. Above him he could see the people whom he lived with. He could see his teared up mother, his emotionless father. Around in the room was his sister, clueless and on her phone as normal. His brother looking around finding whatever he could to mess with, now his was blowing up a glove. Then there was his young cousin. She lived with them. Her face was filled with concern. She sat on the side of the hospital bed while holding his hand. Squeezing tighter each minute. After a few minutes of silent torture a doctor came in. The boy try to move his hand to see the doctor but groaned in pain. The mother, father and doctor talked about the boy’s injuries. He had a concussion and his neck almost broke from the force of being thrown. The doctor told his parent he would have stay in the hospital till his neck could support his head again. The doctor walked over to him and said’ “Thomas, right? Looks like you’ll being staying here for a few days.” The doctor left the room. Thomas’s eyes were only half open from them swelling. His mom walked over and hugged him goodbye alongside his cousin. His siblings seemed happy to finally leave and, his father just looked disappointed. Everyone left and he was all alone in the plain hospital room. Thomas drifted off to sleep.
The next day Thomas woke up to the bright sunny day. He reached over to grab T.V. remote but, it was just out of his reach. He was so focused he didn’t realize the nurse in his room. She walked over and handed him the remote. “Thanks,” Thomas smiled. He flipped through channels and stopped on his favorite channel. After a few hours someone knocked on his door. Thomas’s eye widened as he walked in. “Justin?” Thomas didn’t want to see his bully now, or ever, but especially now. Justin held a small card in his hand and fumbled his words after his mom yelled at him, “Say it!” He took a small step forward, “I-I’m sorry, T-Thomas” Thomas was dumbfounded, he wasn’t expecting anything like that to ever leave his mouth. Justin walked slowly over to Thomas then, handed him the card. “Thanks, Justin” Thomas said as he ripped open the envelope. The card had cats on the front and inside is said ‘Hope you get better soon!’ in cursive letters. Justin’s mother grabbed Justin and they left. That’s insane, he really said sorry!, Thomas thought. He tossed the card on a table and continued to watch T.V.
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125,026 Literary Works • 672,884 Reviews
Hey, EverWinter here to review for you!
I like this idea. I don't know how sound your medical stuff is, but I trust you.
I like the parallel between the bully and his abusive mother. That was very clever. I think you should really delve deep into that and make the bully a real character to be pitied instead of feared. I think Thomas should come to this realization as well. Justin is just a broken kid who doesn't know better and is treated badly from someone who should love him.
Okay so, your paragraphs were really long. REALLY long. That makes it hard to read, so try to break them up once or twice each. Also, your characters seem really bland. And they aren't named until very late, if they are named at all. You need to at least have them named in your head. You need to give them all personalities and let them show through even thought they don't have a big role.
You should work on more dialogue to even out the amount of descriptions there is here.
Also, the end, Thomas is so excited that Justin said sorry, but then instantly throws the card to the side. That doesn't make sense. So play it out. Have him stare at the card with the tv in the background.
Thanks for letting me read, hope it's helpful!
EverWinter
I love this. Hoping to read a lot more!!!
Good day, just Julias, Roman around to deliver an interview!
First, I would like to start with this!
I kind of like how you just plunge us into the action. It makes us want to read more. However, we never quite know what the bully was trying to get Thomas to say. Perhaps if you could add another quote like:
'"Well go ahead," he barked. "Say it!" The small boy looked at the ground. I can't, thought the boy.
"Go on, say it!" The boy repeated. "Say that you're a unicorn!"'
I don't know why a unicorn, I just had no idea. Also, you'll notice that after the word "barked", I put a period.
You say how Thomas tried to get up, so you should probably start a new line for that. I would do that for the dialogue as well. For instance, here's a conversation between us:
You: "Really a unicorn? That's the best you could come up with?"
Julias shrugs. "I'm not exactly the brightest bulb in the box."
See?
This story goes a bit too fast-paced for my taste, I notice that you have full hour skips. Perhaps if you could describe them a bit better, like: "A monotonous three hours snailed by" or something. Come to think of it, I don't even think 'snailed' is a real word. Huh.
I really like this story. It seems to have a first chapter that hooks you in. I'd really like to read more of it!
Just keep swimming,
-Julias