Dusk falls, soft and sweet.
Not a creature stirs
In the night,
For no pale moon shall rise tonight.
The village waits, quiet and dark.
The bolts are drawn
Across the door,
And traps lay upon the floor.
The houses sit, stubborn and defiant.
But they are dead,
Their eyes are closed,
For iron threads have completed the ritual man composed.
The people wait, motionless and afraid.
Tossing faith away
They clutch at tools,
Using them as weapons, what fools.
Tall oaks stand guard, resolute and vigilant.
Climbing high they vie
For the first rays of day,
Wishing to chase the evil of night away.
The silence shatters, punctured and defiled.
A crackling twig denotes
A defiant presence in the woods,
The reverberation disturbs the ones with hoods.
The hooded ones fly, fast and swift.
Now they search
For the one who made the sound,
Their glowing eyes sweep the ground.
The oak sways, gentle and slow.
But beneath the canopy soaring
There is no room for life,
Death is the forest’s lover and wife.
He walks on, unaware and undaunted.
The bare forest underneath
The black night-tide,
Will not permit this traveller to hide.
The hooded ones close in, quickly and quietly.
They follow the queer
Noises of the night,
Drawing closer to the one who balks their might.
The solitary man turns, slowly and purposefully.
He senses the perverse
And malignant presence that draws near,
Only one notion is clear.
He must escape, lest he die from fright,
The glowing eyes glower, baleful twin points of light,
Closer and closer they come, still he has yet to flee,
The hooded ones laugh and cackle, his impending death shall bring then glee.
The hunters chant, softly and then with rising volume.
They cry out words of violence
In a language incomprehensible to mortals,
Then out from the coven flies a horde of glowing skulls!
The skulls they dance, swirling and twirling.
Then the skulls soared until they towered
Above the rooted traveller,
Then they plummeted down in what could only end in disaster.
He looks on in fear, as the skulls soar through his torso,
The skulls dined on his soul, the gnawing soon left him hollow,
And then he slumped to the ground, where it is said his body may still lay,
It stands as a memorandum, cautioning those who doubt the evil of the Devil’s Day.
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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140,597 Literary Works • 673,549 Reviews
Your writing skills are very nice, but I feel like you could have made this poem flow just a little better. I don't mean this to sound harsh, but more as to make it sound in a way of constructive criticism. Keep working, you'll do tremendous!
Thanks, all criticism is welcome! Anything can have the potential to help me become a better writer and your advice is far from harsh! Thanks friend.
Well, I've updated it. Eh, sorry about how long it took me and about the sort of plot change there. I was between ideas when I wrote it, and, well, I decided to take this course instead of the more comical lighthearted route. Thanks a bunch to all the people who took the time to review this and, just in case more of you come back….thanks to all those who will review it.
-_- My computer did something weird, and this showed up as a reply to EscapeToNeverland's review.
Hold shift when you press enter when making a line break, and when you want a stanza break, hit enter without shift.
I would give you a full review right now, but I'm going to bed soon. I'll be back for more, don't worry!
Hey! Neverland here to review your poem!
I have to say I agree with kyddikat, she made very good points in all aspects and I'm happy to see you fixed up the comma problem. I have to point out something I noticed though; stanzas. There isn't any, it might just be me but I find it all that much clearer to read when the poem is separated into stanzas.
Apart from that I loved it!! The passion and intense emotion you injected into this is outstanding! Truly beautiful. Love it!!!!
That's it from me for now, good luck writing and I hope to see some more work coming from your way.
Kind regards,
~Neverland.
Thanks, I originally had it organized into 4-Line Stanzas, but the computer changes 'em to that paragraph thingy when I submit it%u2026I'm trying to work that problem out at the moment.
In the submit box click on the second button on the left and a drop box comes down. And click the poetry format.
Hopes this helps! ^-^
will try it
Cool, let me know if that works.
Hey, Lornthalas, hold shift when you press enter when making a line break, and when you want a stanza break, hit enter without shift.
Join Clan M.B.D.O
So the squirrel represents you and the shadow also represent you cause this poem is a cry for help! Good poem though, random person I have never met before in my entire life. Blah de blah de blah de blah.l like omg this poem is so moving they should give you a nobel prize in writing. You can just feel the passion you pour into this fabulous work. Join the may be considered offensive sub-kvlt and we shall take over the internets! T_T
A really good poem but you should keep the hooded ones hooded, not telling anyone that they are witches. And also, how can a squirrel snore like... really? And how could the witches hear the squirrel snore? And once in a while put a comma in there when you need to or a period. Great poem though, I really liked it. Then again, I am a spooky enthusiast. : )
Thanks for the suggestions! I will try to work on them soon.