I am SO sorry that this has taken me so long to get to. What with school ending and life taking over, I just didn't have the time. I don't know if you want/need any more criticism on this piece, so I'll just give you my general thoughts and if you want me to go more in-depth on anything, just drop me a PM, okay? 
I. Little Things
A man with pitch black eyes answered to the old man who read the stone tablet earlier, "Ha, you have to be kidding me Torry. I shall serve no one nor shall I believe such fairy tale."
Do his eyes really have to be pitch black? Black is black. Unless you're talking about clothing and it's like a faded black that looks more like a gray, it's black and doesn't really need any adjectives. Also, the style of speaking in these early sentences is a lot more formal than some of the ones that come later, so you might want to try to make the tone consistent.
He walked away towards the window, as the light of the sun sketched his shadow, detailing his five feet eight inches height, his athletic, well proportioned body and a prominent poise. His pale white skin glitters against the sun.
This is bordering on an info-dump, which means just putting a bunch of information somewhere to get it out of the way. Do we need to know that he's well-proportioned? I think readers assume that whenever they imagine a character in their head. Also, what is 'prominent poise'? How does it become 'prominent'? I don't know if that's the best adjective to use. Also, please no more Edwards? =/
as he wiped the water in his lips with the sleeve of his dress, as dark as night itself.
"As dark as night itself"? I've heard that many times. It's hard to describe black, again, because it's already black. Also, would the water be 'in' his lips or 'on' his lips? xP
"No, I'd rather stay this way than turned back into a full pledged vampire."
Did you mean 'fledged'? Full-fledged?
II. General Things
"If you say another word I'll rip your throat off old man!" he answered abruptly followed by a piercing glare.
Okay, this is a lesson that a lot of people (including myself) need to learn and keep a hold of. Alright, look at this sentence and then take off the 'abruptly followed by a piercing glare'. You've already communicated these things to us! How? You interrupt the other sentence with this dialogue, so it's obviously an abrupt threat. Also, I don't think anyone would be saying 'I'll rip your throat off' with a smile or a frown, but you assume their face would be angry, or maybe in a piercing glare, right? So you don't need that extra bulk, since you already communicated it through the meat of the piece.
THAT in and of itself is /GREAT/. Some people do not know how to communicate these nuances without adding to their dialogue tags. Try, as much as you can, to communicate mood through the dialogue, and only use description when it's necessary (like when the tone is ambiguous and could be interpreted different ways).
"It doesn't concern me Torry. I am fine the way I am now, I don't have to play the hero. What, we will save the world? Sheesh, how childish. This living purgatory does not know the word 'salvation.' "
I found this a lot throughout your piece. When a character is speaking to another character and addressing them, you put a comma before the name or whatever the character is calling the other one. Here, you need to say 'It doesn't concern me, Torry'. =P And with every other instance where you left out that necessary comma. :]
"Man, can't you buy a match box or something!" he screamed, then fire emerged from the tip of his left thumb. it is clear that the young man hates the smoke, as evidenced by his vigorous whipping off the smoke away from him.
Tense change. Please keep tenses consistent.
III. Overall
Vampires again? Really? :C You know, it would be cooler if these were all signs of the zodiac and had powers according to the animal they portrayed. Right now, I'm not really interested simply because of the fact that it's vampires. AGAIN. Everything seems to be about vampires. =/ Well. On the flip side of that, though, there are plenty of readers that would devour this simply because it's about vampires, so you're probably in luck.
The characters are difficult to relate to because one is yelling and being a jerk face the whole time and the other is obviously meant to be mysterious. Be sure to let us know more about the signs, why everything is the way it is for these characters, and who these characters are (where they came from, what made them what they are today) in the coming chapters.
PM me if you have any questions and if you want me to take a look at anything else.
-Hannah-
. But you have two different ideas shoved into this sentence and it is confusing. "Good" is referring to the removal of the contacts, while the other-part is about lighting the cigar. I am still on the contacts, and then you jump into a totally different thing so it needs to be separated.
Points: 25864
Reviews: 1334
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