It is a hard choice to pick where you belong, do you belong up high in the mountains, or do you belong in the middle of the sea in the islands? Do you belong in the forest, in the stink of the swaps or where the angels fly in the plains?
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138,124 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
Hello! I'm Feltrix and I'm here for a kinda-sorta review thing.
I play Magic and have read the modern lore, so I'm curious whether you're planning on following the story of the game or writing more of a fanfic or doing your own thing entirely.
Like the rest, I have to point out that you really don't have a lot of story here. In fact, this seems like the brief description that is given for the rest of the story. There's a lot you could do with this, and I'm curious to see where it goes, but this in itself doesn't have a lot in it.
Also, you need an 'm' in 'swamps.'
Keep writing!
Feltrix
Hi, there, LorenT.
It looks as though you've forgotten some of this? Or maybe this serves as your prologue? Although we do break up our novels into digestible chunks on YWS, this part is almost too short and could have been combined with your first real chunk of narrative.
That said, I do still have some thoughts about this small section. Now, admittedly, I have not been involved with Magic the Gathering beyond playing the actual card game. I'm aware that some games have narratives behind them, like stories about the heroes in League of Legends, or something like that, but I'm not sure if Magic has that same overall narrative. But I wonder if it does because in the card game, you don't necessarily have to pick where you belong so much as the cards you're going to use. So to open this novel describing the difficulty of choosing where you belong seems as if you're either building a new world, relating to the card game in a different way, or playing off a narrative I'm not aware of.
I'm also intrigued by the idea of angels flying in the plains. That's the only description here that gives a hint to the personality of the kind of person who would choose that location. For example, you ask if they belong high up in the mountains, but do not imply what kind of person would choose that path, but a person who would want to be an angel could clearly choose the plains. What would you think about adding hints of personalities to the rest of the descriptions as well?
I hope these thoughts have been helpful to you. Please PM or reply here if you have any questions about my review OR about YWS in general!
Thanks for sharing,
Hannah
Hey there LorenT and welcome to YWS! Congrats on publishing your first work and getting out there, into the community. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
I saw you had this listed as part of a novel, but it looks like this is more of a description or tagline of the book, rather than a chapter. If you were just wanting to test the waters with an idea, I would have tried the viewforum.php?f=124 Forums first. The resource moderators there, as well as the normal contributors, are really helpful when it comes to these sorts of things. I'm also thinking this might be slightly fanfic based because I remember there being a trading card name with the same title of this. Is that an accurate assumption, considering the description points in that way too. Or is that just a coincidence? Don't know on that one, so if you could answer back to me, that would be great.
I did however put this through a checker online and it says you already posted this to a couple of other sites. It's great that you brought the novel to us but beware that our green room is built on reviews, so hopefully that's the kind of community you were looking for. That being said, I should talk about the technical details of this, such as how this serves as more of a starting point than a summary. A summary would be more along the lines of a short paragraph, were this is a starting tag line to catch the reader's attention. I'd maybe try to beef it up a bit and lengthen it.
Currently, there's a couple of things that are turning me off of this story, next to the fact that I'm not too interested in fan fics, where you need to know the entire history to know what's going on. It looks like you're going for a very specific subset audience and I think that may cause you some trouble in finding committed readers. Nothing in particular strikes my interest and the constant underlining, that is slightly excessive, distracts me more than it attracts me to the actual point. I'd consider doing italics instead for your emphasis, they look a bit more serious and don't trip readers up as much. Yeah and you also managed a couple of typos so I hope you thoroughly proof read the rest of the novel.
Alright I'm going to head out now because I think I've said just about everything possible. If you have any question about anything or just want help navigating around the site, just ask me or anyone else in red or green.
Have a nice day and good luck on future projects.
Lizzy
The Queen of the Book Clubs