Chapter One
As the young demon woke up for the first time in a century he knew what needed to be done. The scarlet curtains casted a brilliant color over his black satin bedding. The blue sun of the demon world merged with the scarlet filling the room with an amethyst light. He growled to himself as his long diamond pointed tail swayed over the side of his bed. "Why won't those humans do their chores for themselves for once?", he said to himself as he ran a hand over his black and red hair. The demon got up and walked over to the grand and ancient mirror in his room. As he ruffled his hair up and spiked it up he pricked his clawed finger on his horns, which curved back in a S shape. The young demon cringed and watched as the cut healed almost instantly. He sighed and shook his head noticed the door open.
A small and plump imp swaggered into the room and leaned against the wall next to him, "About time you woke up, the king is waiting for you, Adel. Come on before he tries to throw one of us through the window again...".
"Give me a minute Grimm, I'm not ready yet. Besides, i don't really care what happens to you guys...you broke my T.V. while i was asleep." The imp flinched at this and worried out of the room leaving Adel to get ready in peace.
Adel threw on his sleeveless hooded shirt and his baggy shorts with his spiked suspenders dangling from his belt loops. As he walked out of his room and grabbed his boots and slipped into them looking around at all the servants and maids running around scared for their lives. When Adel got to the main hall he heard his fathers booming voice loud and angry, "WHERE IS MY SON YOU WORTHLESS LITTLE DEVILS?" Adel groaned and put his hands into his pockets and walked into the throne room.
"Dad...I'm right here...stop yelling at the workers. Its not their fault for my not wanting to come running at your beckon call."
The King looked down from his rant and laughed and looked down from his throne, "You got your mothers attitude you know that boy? Well, anyway, i just wanted to wish you a good trip to the human world, and remember what happened last time. Don't disobey your master...I don't want to have to give another wicth or warlock another servant for a lifetime again." Adel shrugged and waved his father off and turned and started for the gates of hell. As he approached the gates the two large ogre's guarding them looked down and saluted Adel. They then stepped aside and watched as he walked past them and into the blue flames the comprised the gates-
Adel sighed to himself and stepped into the flames. He hated going through this, it was always either to cold or to disorientating for him. As soon as he entered them a stairway appeared leading up- Adel knew what to do and walked up them until he saw the door leading into the human world. He hated that place, in a weird way enjoyed it. All the demons in his kingdom never really stood a chance against him and he enjoyed a challenge.
"Here we go..." he murmured as he stepped through the doorway.
The flash of light that followed almost blinded the old witches that surrounded the summoning circle. A few of them flinched but the hooded woman that sat closest to Adel did not even blink. Adel floated in mid-air for a short time and opened his crimson eyes and looked around his new home for however they needed him for. As he landed on the ground. Adel's knees gave out and he gently fell to his knees before the woman before him. "What do you wish of me madam...", Adel said in a soft voice.
As the lady took off her hood Adel looked in awe at her. She was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. Her red hair cascaded down her shoulders and smiled looking at him with ehr emerald eyes, "My name is Elena...not madam."
TO BE CONTINUED
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Note, In order to retain your formating you must select your work and click the pre button, or place a line space between your paragraphs. You would also need to add the appropriate BBCode to create Italics, bold, etc.
You tried to not info dump, but it was still too much information at one time. I think you kinda over did it on the colour descriptions and you used Scarlet repeatedly. You dont have to describe every bit of the character all at once, it can be spread out through the chapter. And due to the fact that this is your first paragraph, you would lose your readers almost at once due to the fact that it drags down so much. Also remeber that when a person talks you start a new paragraph.
That was all a bit rushed and clanky. It didn't flow very well at all. You might want to avoid caps, italics gets the point across just as well and makes your writing seem more professional. The words themselves set the tone, you dont have to be over extravagant with the caps.
The idea is not bad, I like the summoning. I've never read it from the demons point of view. You use and a lot, remeber that commas can be your friend. And dont forget to watch out for repeating words. they sound funny when you read the same word in the same sentence.
Hope this helps and dont forget to review others work, you were supposed to before you posted your story.