I stood at the side of the entrance of a narrow alley, where it met the main road, looking at the Butcher's shop which was just opposite. The main road was swarming with people walking in all directions. This was normal, considering we were in the middle class sector of Carlton City, where most people had to sell their cars to people from the east coast of the USA in order to buy food. As I watched the mass of people walking in different directions, so many with their families, I was remembered of when I too had a family. A Mom and Dad who loved me. That all ended five and a half years ago, when my parents were killed by Blade Hunters for being what they called 'Blade Harbourers'. I remember as if it was yesterday....My mum screaming at me to run, while my dad held them off with a crowbar, my nine year old self crying as I ran into the streets, and didn't stop running until I reached the outskirts of the city. I would have been killed long ago if Bert hadn't found me. He taught me how to hide my abilities as a Blade. Together, me, Bert, and a few others started a group of young Blades who lived together, looked out for each other, and split what we stole. I'm Ronavaran Andreas Calor. Friends call me Ron. If you want a picture of me, think of a scruffy brown complexioned boy(I'm an ethnic Indian.) of average height and build for a fourteen year old with black hair, green eyes, and a serious expression on his face. "Ron!" Called out a voice from behind me presently. I turned towards the voice irritably. It was Harry, also one of Bert's bunch. He continued, "Ron, have you checked out the place enough? I'm hungry!" "Quiet!" I snapped back, turning towards the Butcher's shop again. I was finished, however, so I quickly turned back towards the two boys waiting behind me. "Mark?" I called out, to which there was a quick reply. "Ya, Ron?" Mark said immediately. He was always so cool and confident, his blonde hair slicked back with stolen hair gel, and his pale face calm. He seemed like he could do anything if you asked him to. "Mark, you know the drill. Cause a diversion. I'll walk into the shop and talk up the butcher, and then knock him out and take that nice link of sausages in the window. Harry will stand and keep a watch out for danger. Any questions?" "Yup, me." Replied Harry in a whiny voice, his messy red hair flopping up and down as he shook his head. "Why do I have to stand guard again? I wanna do the real stuff for once!" I sighed before answering "We need those sausages. So, it's best that I go, as I've had the most experience in lying and stealing. You can't lie convincingly and you know it. You'll screw it up." Harry frowned but didn't reply. I then said, in my best leader voice, "Good. We all clear then?" Both nodded, although Harry didn't seem too happy about it. "Good. One last thing. Remember, restrain yourselves. Make sure no one finds out that you're a Blade. If someone does, then the Blade Hunters will take you down within a day." They both nodded again. I grinned and said "OK then bros. Let's do this."
I walked right across to the butcher's shop. He saw me as I came in, with my scruffy look, and dirty clothes, and growled "I hope you got cash, kid. I don't need no labour and I ain't giving no charity. And if you try to steal, I've made precautions." And he showed me the the gun in the holster slung on his right side. He was a big, brawny man, with huge muscles. I shrugged and said "Peace! I got cash." And I slapped a five dollar bill on the counter. He looked at it and said "That won't buy you a scrap of meat, so I guess it's bones you want." "Yup," I replied, with a cheery voice, "we boil 'em for our broth." "Ya I know." He snapped at me, before asking me "You wanna buy five small bones or one big?" "Five small," I replied, and he lifted out a bucket, and shoveled a few bones into his hand. "Could you put that in a piece of newspaper please? People in Poor sector steal from anyone with food." I helpfully dropped another fifty cent coin on the counter. He grumbled, but he did it. When he handed me the piece of balled up newspaper, I opened it and frowned, before complaining, "Hey! There's only four bones here!" He had been looking out the window, frowning, having seen that the usual crowd had disappeared. On hearing me, he turned to me and growled, "There most certainly are not!" And he leaned over the counter to look at the paper packet. "See? One, two, three, four..." At that, I socked him in the jaw, and he slumped onto the counter unconscious. "Five." I finished for him with a grin. I then grabbed the link of sausages in the window, and scrambled out of there, pausing to grab my money from the counter. Hey, I had spent some time pick pocketing that, and I wasn't about to let it go to waste! To be kind, I left the butcher the bones.
I ran back to the alley, and then continued to run until I reached the road junction in Lower Class sector where we had planned to meet, all the while taking care to keep my speed to human speed, so anyone who saw me wouldn't get suspicious. Mark showed up, soon followed by Harry. I grinned at them. "Mission successful boys!" And I pulled the link of sausages out of my jacket from where I had hidden them. They both grinned back at me. Harry eyes lit up and he asked "D'you think they're real pork?". I snorted, before laughing and answering, "In a middle class sector store? No chance! They're probably rat." He frowned, slightly disappointed. "Hey, cheer up! We got 'em first, so we get first dibs! We can have one each now, and no one will know, so we'll still get shares when we split them with everyone else!" At that he grinned, his Latino brown face lighting up. "Can we roast 'em?" He asked eagerly. I replied "If we find a fire, sure." Mark smiled before replying "I think I can help with that. I saw a guy with a trash can fire when we were coming in." I nodded, smiling. As we walked there, I asked, "I gotta ask, Mark. How did you clear the crowd away this time?" He grinned before answering, "I used one of my old classics. I yelled that a building was on fire, before running down a side alley. They all followed me, and then I lost them." I laughed and replied "They always fall for that, don't they? Stupid middle classers." Mark agreed and presently we came upon the street corner with the man whom he had mentioned. The guy was tall, with a bushy beard. He regarded us suspiciously. I called out, "Hey! Can we use your fire to roast our sausages? We'll give you one!" At that the man smiled and nodded, as he was obviously starving. I tossed him a sausage before giving each of us one. The guy started to eat it raw, tearing at the sausage with his blackened teeth. We roasted ours, and ate them whiling sitting and leaning against a deserted building near the street corner. I was almost content. It was one of those days where I was almost happy, and could almost forget my tragic past. Those were few.
After we were done I led Mark and Harry away. We ran to the edge of the city, where there was a an abandoned former rich man's estate, where us and the rest of Bert's Blades lived. There was a large mansion there, but plenty of people walked by it everyday, and, even though no one knew we were Blades, we liked to have precautions. So, we lived in the barn a short distance behind the mansion. As we reached, I Saw that Bert was waiting outside the door. Upon seeing us, he looked relieved and asked "You got something, right?" I proudly produced the sausages. "Great!" He breathed a sigh of relief, "At least we'll have something to eat tonight. Frank's team didn't get anything. Worse, Frank's not come back yet. His team said that he said that he couldn't bear coming back empty handed, so he told them to come ahead while he continued to search." I froze in fear. One of us not back yet? It was past sunset, the time we all had to be back by. Frank could have been captured by the Blade Hunters, and even now, they could be torturing him, extracting information out of him...I forced myself to think rationally. Frank was a pretty emotional guy. Most probably, he was just wandering the streets in anger, looking for some food or money to steal. That seemed much better than the alternative. I nodded at Bert indicating that I had understood what he had said, and walked into the barn.
We split the sausages amongst us and roasted them over a fire we made outside the barn. Most of the bunch stayed awake for a while after, joking around with each other. But not me. As one of Bert's lieutenants, I got my own private spot to sleep in the far corner of the barn. I went in, walked over to my spot, fluffed up the hay pile, and plonked myself down on it. Let the others stay awake. I had had a full day, and needed to rest. With that thought, I lay down, and promptly fell asleep.
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this is tough to read.
i struggled while reading this. this wasn't enjoyable. a key tip you need to keep in mind while writing is don't have multiple characters speak in the same paragraph. there are long, uneccesary blocks of words that are on my computer screen and i'm not reading them for fun. the story moves really fast. you don't allow the reader to digest it. you just let them stare at it and go "oh i guess that was a story okay then". no story is bad so you can work on this. tone it down, speed and word wise. please and thanks.
thanks.
Hey dropout thanks for reviewing my work. The thing is, this is one of the first works that I published on here. If you notice, its in the 5 paragraph format used in schools, and I didn't know any other way of writing at that time. If you would check out some later chapters, you'll see that my writing has greatly improved. In truth, I've been too busy in the past while to edit this, though I will at the first opportunity. Again, thanks for the review!
Hello again!


I'm going to keep this review fairly large picture as well and point out a couple of big things I noticed.
1. Let's talk about the formatting. You've got a lot of really big paragraphs and they could all be broken up in at least one place. YWS messes up my formatting when I post things sometimes, so that may be what happened here, I don't know. I didn't notice this in the prologue. If you're not sure where to put in some paragraph breaks or why you should put in some paragraph breaks, let me know and I'll get a little more specific
2. There was another info-dump. I'm talking about the narrator telling us all about his back story and life history. Again, this is interesting information and I would save it so you can weave it back in later (just like what I said in the prologue), but I wouldn't start out with it.
3. Then things get exciting. When the friends get introduced and they carry out their little plan, I started to get into the story. This is a great example of what I was saying in the prologue about starting with some action. I really liked the interaction with the friends because I'm immediately introduced to the main players and I see how they all interact and what their personalities are. I also liked the subtle world details (like the MC making an effort to run at a human pace to not make people suspicious, or being careful about revealing ones identity so the blade hunters wouldn't find them). That type of stuff, especially at the beginning, helps get the reader into the world without it being overwhelming. I also liked the situation you put him in (with the store owner and the stealing) because it gives me a nice look into who he is.
4. And then it was over. I thought the ending came a little fast. I would take out all of the info stuff at the beginning and start the chapter (the story really) with this interaction between the friends and the theft plot. Then I would expand that. I think it's definitely on the right track, but you can add more description (especially thoughts and feelings because this is in first person). I'd also appreciate more after he gets the sausages. There to when he's at this house and worrying about someone and then getting over it goes really quickly and I think (especially if you take out the beginning part), you'll have plenty of room to add a little more to the ending.
Let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing! And if there is anything else you would like feedback about regarding this story, please let me know and I'll do my best to help!
Nice story so far, definitely intrigued by this. I especially like how smoothly you are able to key the readers into Ron's emotions and thought process. My main suggestion would be to show not tell. For example, instead of giving the whole hoedown of the way Ron and Mark are going to rob the butcher's, simply leave it at: "Mark, you know the drill." And then maybe a: "I'll do the talkin'." If you really want some more dialog. After that you could just proceed to narrate or describe what happens next with some skillfully selected vocabulary to just round out the story and your writing. Just a personal option, but otherwise the post was awesome!
thx a lot and I'll keep your advice in mind,
Nice story so far, definitely intrigued by this. I especially like how smoothly you are able to key the readers into Ron's emotions and thought process. My main suggestion would be to show not tell. For example, instead of giving the whole hoedown of the way Ron and Mark are going to rob the butcher's, simply leave it at: "Mark, you know the drill." And then maybe a: "I'll do the talkin'." If you really want some more dialog. After that you could just proceed to narrate or describe what happens next with some skillfully selected vocabulary to just round out the story and your writing. Just a personal option, but otherwise the post was awesome!
This is very creative, I'm already interested after reading the first chapter. The vocabularies and the transitioning phrases are well placed. I like how detailed this is, it really helps the reader picture the setting while reading. I look forward to the second Chapter!
Thanks, i'm glad you liked this! I'm kinda new to YWS, so I'm relieved to get good feedback so soon! By the way, did you read the prologue I wrote? If not, please do, as it'll tell you about the time period the book is set in. Maybe even review, as no one has reviewed it yet. Anyway, thanks a lot for the comment, and please continue to read my work!
Hello, I'm new to YWS as well. No, I haven't read the prologue yet, I will definitely read it.
Great! Oh and if you are having trouble finding the prologue, the link to it right next to this story, after about the author, share this, and tools. It's right above chapter 1 in related items.
Excellent story idea, really enjoyed the amount of detail and thought put into it. Some thoughts to consider: 1) I would cut down the sentences by size, watch to make sure you don't have too many thoughts over lapping each other. 2) Possibly work with more spacing, it can be a little strenuous on the eyes. 3) Add italics to some of the thoughts that the speaker may be thinking, (ie: A mom and dad who loved me.).
Otherwise, great job!
Thx a lot for reviewing this, I'm glad you liked it! I will definitely be applying 1 and 3 of what you said in my next chapter, but I don't know what you mean by 2. Could you please tell me what you meant by 2? Also, did you read the prologue I wrote? If not, then please do. It'll tell you about the world the book is set in. Maybe even review it, because no one has reviewed it yet. Anyone, thanks for reviewing, and please continue to review me. Thanks a lot!