I ran as fast as I could, with Bert beside me. The others fanned out behind us. We ran like that on the wide courtyard behind the abandoned mansion for a second or two, but then I heard shouts up ahead.
There were only two ways to get to the road, on either the left or right of the mansion. On both, figures in dark grey uniforms rose up from the long dry grass that grew there. Going in the opposite direction would be no good, as that would only lead us to the desert. There would be warnings put out, and we would be caught if we tried to enter any town. We would eventually die of dehydration and hunger. Also, there were bound to be a couple of cars ready to chase us if we tried to go that way.
At the shouts, our group dissolved into chaos. Everyone ran off in different directions, many screaming in terror. Soon, I realized that I and Bert had fallen behind the rest of the group. Bert was yelling at everyone, trying to restore order, but no one listened.
Then I heard the screams. Screams of pain filled the night, and I realized that the Blades of our bunch had met the Hunters. More screams were heard from both sides of the mansion. I also heard grunts of pain from the Hunters. That lifted my spirits. At least our boys were giving them a fight.
I then noticed that Bert and I had stopped moving, both of us frozen in shock, listening to the dying sounds of the boys with whom we had lived beside for years. I realized that there were too many Hunters on either side of the mansion to break through.
My mind raced to find a way to get out safely... and then I got it. It was strange that it hadn't occurred to me before! I grabbed Bert and started to run towards the mansion. Bert ran alongside me. He didn't question me, so he must have really been in shock. I picked up a rock, and threw it at the back window of the mansion. It shattered easily.
Bert's eyes widened as he realized my plan and he whispered "Ron...what about the others? They're dying out there! I can't leave them behind."
"No time!" I called back. "This is the only way! The others are blocked."
"I know." Bert said, his eyes brimming with tears. "That's why you have to go now. You have to live. I can't come with you. have to go and cause a distraction, and try to get at least one or two of them out." With that, he ran off into the night, towards the left side of the mansion.
I stood still for one more second, frozen in shock. Then I heard another scream of pain, and survival instincts took over as I leaped through the window, and into an old kitchen.
Rows of stoves and refrigerators lined the walls on either side of me. It was dark, but my Blade eyes allowed me to see around. I ran out a doorway, and I entered an old dining room. A long table, rotted with decay stood in the center of the room, along with chairs in a similar state. I continued to run through several more rooms, until I reached the doorway to the entrance hall.
Out of instinct, I hid beside the doorway first. That saved my life, as at that moment, I heard someone talking.
"Shouldn't they have cleared up those borgs by now?" he said. That comment made me want to pulverize him. 'Borgs' was a play on the word cyborgs (half man, half robot). It meant what the Blade Hunters thought of us, which was that we were emotionless aberrations, who didn't deserve to live.
"They have." replied another person. "All except a couple who have run towards the desert. I just heard it over my earpiece. They're hunting them down as we speak." My heart rose. Perhaps those two would manage to escape, despite the heavy odds against that happening. I was glad of my friends' survival, but I still needed to escape myself.
For a brief moment, I considered hiding here until the Hunters left. But I quickly gave up that plan as I realized that they were bound to search the place sooner or later. The only option was to take them by surprise, and try to break a path to the exit. I looked across the hall and saw a large chunk of plaster that had fallen from the ceiling, and decided upon a course of action.
I ran through the entrance, wielding the piece of plaster. As the Hunters turned to look at me, I threw it. Before they had time to blink, The piece of plaster hit one in the face. He stumbled backwards and fell. A split second later, I ran into the the other one, ramming him hard in the ribs. He fell back with a cry, clearing the way to the door. I ran out onto the main road, and kept running.
I continued to run along the road, through the deserted areas of the town. The city's population had once been much bigger, but after the disasters of the last few years, the population had greatly decreased, so many areas of the town were no longer needed. It was eerie to be running through the deserted suburbs where hundreds of people had once lived. But, on the upside, I didn't meet any Hunters, although I know they would attack me at some point.
The sun had begun to rise by the time I reached the populated areas of Lower class sector. I entered the road from a narrow side alley, and, instantly, I passed from abandoned suburbs to bustling inhabited areas. I ran down the road, not sure where I was really going. I was just sure that I didn't want to meet the Blade Hunters.
I dodged several pedestrians, and as I ran, many people noticed my speed and immediately started to call out "Blade! Stay away!" and I rolled my eyes. These people obviously believed the Government propaganda that all Blades were dangerous. A few of the braver people tried to block my path, but I dodged them easily.
But then I saw a line of Blade Hunters forming a dark grey wall ahead of me, and a cold hand gripped my throat. There were buildings on my right, and a side alley before them on my left, where they obviously wanted me to go. I knew that that was a trap, and that they thought they had got me now.
But I was far from beaten. I immediately decided on the best course of action. I ran to the buildings on my right, and leaped up to catch hold of a window ledge of one of the first floor apartments. Seeing me, several people shut their windows in fear so that I couldn't get in.
I then continued to climb my way up the building as fast as I could. Blade Hunters stood at the base but didn't fire. They Government payed them a salary to hunt Blades like me, but if they harmed civilians in the process then they would suffer severe repercussions. With the speed that I was moving at, they couldn't get a clear shot, so if they fired, they would risk hurting someone.
Anyway, I climbed as fast as I could (which was really fast!) up the building. I finally reached the roof of the fifteen storey building, and leaped onto the roof. I ran to the other side quickly. I knew that the Hunters would be waiting for me on the other side if I climbed down, so I jumped the six foot gap between it and the identical building behind it.
I knew that the Hunters must have seen me jumping, so I run to the other side and jumped across the roof of another building, then another, and finally a third before climbing down.
I was out of breath as I climbed down to the narrow space between the building I was on and the building beside it. I saw an alley on one side of the gap, so I started to walk towards it.
Suddenly, to my horror, three Blade Hunters stepped in front of the gap on that side. Two carried small metal cylinders with nozzles thatI knew were flameflashes. The moment they squeezed those nozzles, they would emit a wave of fire to burn me alive. The third carried an EB, which he raised up, in case I tried to climb the buildings again.
I turned around to find that there was an identical trio on the other side. If I tried to climb the buildings, they wouldn't hesitate to shoot me, as I realized that I had unknowingly entered one of the abandoned parts of Carlton. On both sides, the Hunters slowly moved towards me. There was no escape. I just swallowed fearfully and waited for the end.
Suddenly, a blue bolt of energy hit the ground in front of the team of Hunters that I was facing. I heard that the same was happening behind me too. The Hunters turned to run, but they were shot down with incredible aim before they could even move.
I turned around and realized that all the Hunters were dead. I was immediately on my guard.I didn't know who had saved me, but I knew that they were dangerous, and may not be my friends.
I stood facing one of the buildings, and a man leaped to the ground from a window a few storeys up on one side, and another did the same on the other.
Suddenly, I heard a soft sound as someone landed behind me, and I whirled around swinging my fist towards the person, sure that he was about to attack me. To my surprise, the person blocked the blow. I saw that it was a young man, maybe in his mid twenties. He looked at me curiously with his strange, cold blue eyes.
My mind was racing, as I knew that no human could have blocked that blow. There was only one explanation. The man in front of me was a Blade. Perhaps even all three of them were.
The men on either side of me walked forward until the three of them surrounded me, all of them looking at me curiously. I noticed that all of them wore grey clothes.
I mustered up the courage to speak and said, "All right, who are you? And why did you save me?"
The man in front of me gave a slight smile before replying "Child, do you not recognize who we are? does the fact that we are Blades and wear grey not give you a clue?" I suddenly felt stupid as I realized who they were.
They were members of one of the two great Blade factions, or Houses as they were called. The two Houses both wanted to reverse the current order, and make the Blades become the masters. But the leaders of both Houses each wanted to rule over the new order besides having an old rivalry, and this led to conflict between them, which was the only reason why the Blades weren't already in charge. I had heard the news about the Houses of course, and how they ran raids on Hunter bases and Human towns. Grey uniforms meant that these Blades were members of the House of Drax, as opposed to the House of Vodor, which wore black.
"So," I started to speak, "You're members of the House of Drax. Why did you save me?"
The man in front of me replied "Well, we watched you as you ran through the city, and saw that you have great potential. So, we wanted to recruit you, and you wouldn't make a very good recruit dead, now would you?" and he laughed at his own joke.
He continued, "So, child, will you join us? we could train you to fight, as well as give you a home and food. Not to mention that thousands of us live at the base, so it's quite safe." I wasn't sure that I trusted these guys, but a safe home and food? After living for five years on the streets, that sounded like heaven! That offer sounded too good to pass! So, while I was still wary of these Blades, I replied "Okay, I'll join you."
End of chapter
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Because action is awesome. *Deploys sunglasses*
I don't quite know what's going on, but I like it! Coordinating an action scene like this really lets your raw literary talent shine through!
Starting with the plot, while the House of Drax appearing feels a bit like a Deus-Ex-Machina (as in a completely ridiculous solution to a plot-based problem), it holds up pretty well to reveal the traits of the characters. (You could also mention the House of Drax earlier to ease the transition.)
As for your descriptive techniques, well, I'm conflicted. On one hand, you have fast-moving action that's a lot of fun to read. On the other hand, you tend to lean a bit too much into the "informative" side of things. Most details about a world are often implied or shown through dialogue and action. Rather than focusing on how cool the Blades are, why not focus on what they can do, and just let the audience decide? I get that there's not much room for expository dialogue here, but still, your method of world-building bothers me a little.
The story's flow isn't all that great, but things like that are among the hardest aspects of writing. I suppose that you could start by beginning fewer sentences with "I."
The characters are shown well for a chapter with a different priority, so I congratulate you for that. I'm definitely getting a good feeling of Ron through his behavior, and the Drax representative was perfectly portrayed through his prideful and somewhat-ominous dialogue.
Overall, the good outweighs the bad here. You could stand to be a bit more subtle in explaining things, but that's really the only issue I have here. I hope to see how this story progresses, as well as how you improve later on. Cheers!
-Chaser
Hey, LordZeus!
It's interesting to me; one of my first reviews was on Chapter 2 of this story. Now, here I am doing my 65th review. Anyways, lets start...
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So, you've done a great job with character development!
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"There" needs to be capitalized.
1. "I" needs to be capitalized.
2. I think it would sound better as "Bert and I"
This paragraph has a tiny problem with repetition of "realized" and "Bert and I". A example of rewording is ~ "I noticed that Bert and I had stopped, both of us frozen in shock. We listened to the dying sounds of the boys whom we had lived beside for years. There were too many Hunters on either side of the mansion to break through."
It's best (and more... Proper, I guess) to stick to the typical three dots, which I think is called an ellipsis ~ "..."
"I" needs to be capitalized.
NOTE: I noticed this a few times, actually. You need to start a new paragraph when someone new talks. Here's an example:
That's the original^
Here's the edited version-
There's a random period floating around. I think you meant "I stood still for one more second, frozen in shock. Then I heard another scream, and my survival instincts took over. I leaped through the window, and into an old kitchen."
(I also reworded things a little.)
Random period that isn't needed.
I'm not sure if this differs based on where you live, but I've also know it to be spelled "story" and the plural to be spelled "stories"
Overall, this was pretty good!
~Myth
Hi @ParanormalMyth and congrats on doing 65 reviews! I have been inactive during the last month, so my reviews are really low.I wrote fast, so I made a few errors in writing. I'll definitely edit it, and I'll keep your suggestions in mind. Oh, and about storeys, storeys is british english, and stories is american english. Please continue to review my work!
Thank you! I will definitely continue to read and review your work!
Hey @ParanormalMyth I have edited my work. Again, thanks for the review!