Oh, just as a side note, if you every post any more chapters, I would definitively be interested to take a look at them. As an encouragement to move forward with the posting if you were even considering it! c:
I frowned at my math test paper. I didn't know how to solve most of the sums. I quickly came to the resented but inevitable conclusion that I couldn't solve them on my own. Well, I guess I need to wake up Old Crankybeard. I thought. I quietly focused in my mind, searching for where in my brain the centuries-old Archmage Arathus was sleeping. I found him and focused on his consciousness, forcing him to wake up.
Yes, I'm awake, Raj. What do you want? He said in an irritated tone.
You know. You can see out of my eyes, can't you? I replied in thought.
He grumbled Once again, you wake me from my slumber for help for your school tests. Can't you ever study and answer on your own and let me sleep?
You know the agreement Arath. You ride around in my head, you gotta help me out.
He sighed loudly, but of course only I could hear him. And don't ask how he could sigh without a mouth or body, because I haven't a clue.
Then he complained I'm an incredibly talented Archmage with almost God-level powers, yet I have to bow to the will of a magicless fourteen year-old child. Life cannot get any worse.
Arath, if it wasn't for me, you'd still be imprisoned in that coin buried underground. Just help me out. He continued to grumble but eventually agreed to help me.You're probably wondering how I got an Archmage living in my head. Well that's a long story, full of adventure, courage and romance...no, not really. It's a short story about a small boy with a plastic spade.
To make a short story even shorter, I at age six decided to go excavating in the garden one day, and found a coin. On it was written 'Arathus' and I read it out aloud. Now, it seems that the Archmage was imprisoned in that coin and I had freed him by saying his name while holding the coin. So he had had to inhabit the body of the nearest living host, which had happened to be me.
At first I had been frightened at the strange new voice in my head. I had originally spoken to him aloud when he spoke to me in my mind. Luckily my parents just thought I had an imaginary friend, so they didn't think anything was really wrong. However, I used to always be trying to oust him from my head, forcing my mind's energies on him, trying to push him out. While this was an impossible goal, it caused Arathus a lot of pain. And it wasn't doing me much good either.
So, eventually we came to bargain. Arathus would help me with homework, tests or whenever I needed him and in exchange, I would stop trying to force him out of my mind. Yet it is still unnerving to have another being sharing your body. You don't know what its like to have someone able to read your every thought and foresee your every action as you're thinking about doing it. It puts a lot of stress on one's nerves.
In any case, Arathus may have been annoying, but he knew a ton of math, as well as other subjects. My A+ grade every year was completely due to him. I finished quickly and handed in the test with the satisfaction of knowing that I'd ace it. Smiling, I grabbed my backpack and strode out the door. Just as I did so, I felt rough hands grab my shoulders and slam me against a wall. I looked up fearfully to see Tyler Adams, bully of the class sneering down at me.
"Well now, what do we have here?" he said with a malicious grin. His buddies snickered behind him cruelly.
"It appears that we have a nerdy shithead teacher's pet. Now, do you have any cash, teacher's pet?" I gulped and took fifteen dollars from my pocket and gave them to him.
"Excellent!" he said with a smile. "Well then, I'll cut you some slack and only do this," and he unzipped my backpack and poured all my books onto the floor."And not beat you up as well." he added. With that, he and his friends stalked off laughing. I sighed and started to pick up my fallen belongings.
Then, someone came around the corner and my heart stopped. It was Katie Gordons, a long-standing crush of mine, as well as the most popular and kindest girl in my grade. As soon as she saw me, she stopped and gaped, then quickly started to help me.
While she did so, I took in every detail about her that I could glean from standing next to her. Her chestnut hair, her tanned skin, her green eyes and warm smile...these I already knew, but I loved seeing them every time. I also noticed that her hair smelled of strawberries and added this to my mental file about her.
I quickly shoved the last few books in my bag and started to lift it. "Wait!" Katie called out and passed me a book I'd missed. As I took it from her, my fingers brushed hers, and I immediately felt myself start to blush. In order to save myself from embarrassment, I muttered quickly "Thanks! Bye!" and ran off.
Real smooth, Raj said Arathus sarcastically as I walked to the school gates. You're bound to get a girlfriend like that.
I snapped back, I hardly think that a two thousand year-old bag of bones is in any position to preach to me about modern dating.
I may be two thousand years old, he replied in a hurt tone, but I have been in your head for eight years now and have adapted to modern culture. I now know a a lot of modern things, like how technology works, I shuddered as I remembered the long hours I spent explaining to Arathus how a computer worked.
He continued, I know what junk food tastes like and even slang terms. I even understand text speech, though God knows why people use it, it's so uncivilized and stupid! Anyway, I now know more than enough to know that blushing and running from girls you like won't get you anywhere. That's not how those guys we saw got girls, now is it? I didn't reply to that. I hated it when he was right about things.
I walked home, and while I did I wondered when my life would get better and less boring. It was really hard, being incredibly unpopular and bullied all the time. Life at home wasn't much better. My parents were at work all day, and I hardly got to see them much. My elder sister never spoke to me, except to say stuff like 'pass the salt' or 'excuse me'. I didn't get any attention from anyone. Sure, my grades were good, but that was the only thing I had going for me.
When I got home, I went to my room and read books for the rest of the day. The lives of people in the books were always so exciting and lively, and they helped me forget my own. Luckily, Arathus also slept the rest of the day.
After dinner, I lay in bed, and before I went to sleep, I whispered aloud, "I wish my life would become more exciting." Little did I know that I would soon get what I wished for, and that that would be far more exciting than I could ever have dreamed.
Oh, just as a side note, if you every post any more chapters, I would definitively be interested to take a look at them. As an encouragement to move forward with the posting if you were even considering it! c:
Heya HAPPY REVIEW DAY!
Anyways, let's get started, shall we?
I really like and enjoyed reading the idea of a mythical creature being in someone's head, like a voice in their brain. It's intriguing me to say at the least, and I am most definitively looking forward to seeing what further things happen between them as a result of this interesting combination.
It's just that this particular chapter, seemed like just an ordinary day. Which is good if you look at it from the way that you intended to convey this. So you did your job in a very well, because that's the reader was actually expected to get when reading your title and then your first chapter. I would just love to get those little quirks that happens in everyone's daily life, like those little daily moments that are meaningful in their own personal way. That detailed description is what is going to make this day stand out, from the boy next doors day. 
The dialogue between the narrator and Archmage Arathus with the bold and italics was greatly formatted in the way that I actually could establish the difference that there was here. I feel like though, just for clarification you could state that in the A/N- author note at the top of the page just to clarify in case someone is confused by it.
I also have a weird knack for picking at first sentences. I am always expecting a really good strong hook at the beginning. It reels me (the fish) in, if you could consider the first sentence like a fishing hook which is totally how I like to think about it a lot. So this first sentence fell... flat a little bit. Like it didn't interest me, because this is a scenario that I face on a weekly basis. I personally would probably find it way more interesting if you someone hinted at the Archmage Arathus living, actually living inside Raj's head.
Well that's a long story, full of adventure, courage and romance...no, not really. It's a short story about a small boy with a plastic spade.
It was Katie Gordons, a long-standing crush of mine, as well as the most popular and kindest girl in my grade.
I snapped back, I hardly think that a two thousand year-old bag of bones is in any position to preach to me about modern dating.
Hello,
I'm new around here so I might not be too helpful but I have to say I'm liking your stroy very much!
It has a vibe of Pecry Jackson (which I personally love!), that simple and yet funny and engaging line of word, like a breath of fresh air that you read in an afternoon summer's day at the beach.
If I must point out, the only thing that bothered me a little bit was the fact that by the second half of the chapter Arathus' dialogue becomes a little bit too common, too modernized.
ex:
"Real smooth, Raj."
"That's not how those guys we saw got girls, now is it?"
I know that he's supposed to have learned to addapt to modern culture but in the beginnig we see a more high-level dialogue and quite frankly I love the tought of Arathus keeping his ancient status even in modern culture. So I think you should be a little bit more carefull but this is only my opinion.
Either way, good work and I'm looking forward to next chapter!
Like a flash of lightning, I review!
Starting with the plot, I enjoyed the way you balanced together Raj's everyday routines with the supernatural element of Arathus. The "voice in the head" is a trope that you've certainly written well. You've also done a good job of explaining Arathus' backstory without bogging down the plotline. As for the second half of the chapter, I found it...lacking. What with the level of originality you expertly executed with Raj and Arathus, it felt laughable to see a bully and a crush in the same moment, presenting the stereotypes as if they were just cardboard cutouts for the main characters to play off of. I hope you add some depth to them later.
With style, you've got an excellent voice for Raj. I can easily get a sense of he's going to progress through the story. The amusing exchanges between him and Arathus kept me engaged, carrying me through the backstory without a hitch. While there wasn't much power in environmental description, you don't really need it at this point. It's a nice, dialogue-driven pace.
Now, going into characters, I just want to say that Raj and Arathus are amazing. Their back-and-forth conversation is the main highlight of this chapter. However, the other characters in this chapter (and I understand that there are only two) seemed a bit uninteresting. Now, I understand the concept of flat and round characters (flat means showcasing one side, round means a many-sided personality), but the use of a bully in tandem with a crush made me roll my eyes. I wonder why you even bothered giving the bully a name, since his personality is so generic. "I'm bigger than you and you're smarter than me. I'm going to harass you with words and basic inconveniences. My friends are here to showcase that you're an outcast. You now look better to the audience by comparison." I'm not saying that you can't do that...but at least put a little more detail into him! Rough hands, assumedly strong. That's great and all, but I feel like he's a punching bag for the audience to paste the face of the person they hate most over. It feels...lazy, to be honest. While I've gone on a bit of a tangent with this, it's a general rule I like to use with society: there are no heroes, no villains, simply the people arrogant enough to assume that there are. Long story short, if you want to make a good bully, give him an actual personality. You don't have to make the audience sympathize with him, just give him some individuality.
As for the crush, since I can only assume you'll expand on Raj's relationship with her as the story progresses, I have no complaints. Still, "most popular and kindest girl in my grade" felt pretty generic as well. That's really nobody's place to judge, and an outcast would be the last person able to conclude that. Stating this about the love interest really detracts from Raj's amazing personality.
Wow, I've been kind of harsh here. Well, it's an honest opinion, and I hope you can grow off of it. My point is, in a character-driven chapter such as this, please be a bit more respectful of the characters you create. Other than that, I fully enjoyed this project. Cheers!
-Chaser
Hey, so I'm here to review the requested novel (huh, it's fresh to see it the other way around, isn't it?)! 
"Well then, I'll cut you some slack and only do this-" and he unzipped my backpack and poured all my books onto the floor."And not beat you up as well." he added.
"Well then, I'll cut you some slack and only do this," he said and unzipped my backpack and poured all my books onto the floor, "and not beat you up as well."
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