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16+ Mature Content

Razor Blade / Open Palm

by Squid


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.


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861 Reviews


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Wed Aug 05, 2020 3:16 am
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Morrigan wrote a review...



Hey Artie, here to review as requested. I'm doing quick reviews, so I'll give you some pros and cons, and what you can do about that.

Pros:
+ Love the opening line. It's strong, and it gives a great image. I like the idea that you have to build a secret door to get out. There's an implication that it's because something bad might invade, further indicated by the way you describe hiding pieces of yourself.
+ I like the way you juxtapose dandelions with anger. It's such a sunny little image, and then we're hit with the full force of the storm, much like a downpour in early September.
+ While I am squeamish, I can appreciate how effective your coffin imagery is.

Cons:
- I do not know if the structure is working for you here. I think it might actually be working against you. You put separation dots in unexpected places, and if you want to separate into sections, I think it would be best to separate these logically.
- You jump around in subjects a lot, which you can DO in poetry, but here, as your line implies, the poem doesn't make much sense. I understand it's about loneliness and believing that you were better off gone, but the message is not completely coherent.

I recommend using something like the roman numeral system to break this into three separate sections. You can keep the formatting if you want otherwise, but that would make more sense, and indicates to readers that you know some things might not fit together, but you would like them to draw conclusions and connections between all of the sections.
I'll put the opening line where I would break into sections:
I. When you make your brain a bedroom
II. have you ever been whole?
III. you realize you are a razor blade

- Your capitalization is inconsistent. If this was on purpose, please ignore.

Hope this helps! I'll move onto the next! Keep writing!




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Thu Jun 20, 2019 4:23 pm
silvermoon17 wrote a review...



This was so deep I can’t find my words for this review.
First though, I’d like to tell you something; and that is that not everyone is “them” not everyone see you as a razor blade, and for all the creativity and beauty you have- I find it disappointing people could ever make you feel that way.
Back to the review..
I wanted to say that the style of the poem.. is stunning.. that everything in the display is fantastic. It really kinda harms me to tell you this, but I think your potential will only improve if you came to use comparison. Maybe a bit of imagery, even descriptive writing- but this style is far more unique. I do think comparison is kinda great tho, and would kindly suggest you use it. I also think you should’ve more insisted on the whole razor blade thing, because you just give a quick explanation then pass on to the whole graveyard thing. Even though I admire your poems beauty, I think you might’ve also used maybe one or two rhymes..? Maybe the last two sentences if you don’t want.. but rhymes really make a strong effect on people.




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Thu Jun 20, 2019 1:17 pm
zaminami wrote a review...



Yo, Ollie! This is really deep so it's difficult for me to review this, but I'm going to certainly try!

First of all, a PSA: You are a great person, and I will continue to support you. If you ever need a shoulder to lean on, if you ever need to vent or rant, or if you even need someone to quote random vines with, my inbox is always open. <3

As a whole, it's really difficult for me to review poetry that's right from the heart like this one, so I'm not going to make you change any wording and most grammar. There are only two things that I want to point out, and it's mostly small.

The not-so-small thing is that you accidentally left your cursor line on the line "in dandelion stems" when you (most likely) screenshotted it. It's pretty obvious and I really don't want to have to be the person to point it out, but you might want to re-screenshot haha.

The second thing, which is really small and could probably be an on-purpose formatting method is that after the three centered dots, you start a new sentence without capitalization. In the rest of your poem, you always start with capitalization in your "sentences". Again, this could be a formatting thing, so in no way is this a glaring issue.

--


I would like to applaud you on several points - one, you used semicolons! :D I honestly love myself some semicolons becaus they indicate a good writer with a lot of technical skill, especially when used correctly like you did. Great job!

Two, this is vent poetry, correct? That's a very healthy way to get out your anger and your sadness and stuff and I think that it's amazing that you wrote this. A lot of people, when they're going through mental illness, try to bottle it up (including myself, when I went through it). Vent poetry is an amazing way to express yourself. I'm very proud of you, Ollie!

Three, I love the formatting! Not too much, not too little, and it keeps me engaged while reading the poem. Great job!

Four, the imagery in the poem is absolutely excellent. Every time I glance at the poem to read it and do this review, I find a new piece of imagery that I haven't found before in different ways. It makes me think, and you know that I love myself some poems that make me think.

I hope that you have a fantastic day and believe me when I say that you do not have to take any criticism in this review seriously. They are just suggestions.

<3 Auf Wiedersehen!

- zami





For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.
— Audrey Hepburn