Hey Artie, here to review as requested. I'm doing quick reviews, so I'll give you some pros and cons, and what you can do about that.
Pros:
+ Love the opening line. It's strong, and it gives a great image. I like the idea that you have to build a secret door to get out. There's an implication that it's because something bad might invade, further indicated by the way you describe hiding pieces of yourself.
+ I like the way you juxtapose dandelions with anger. It's such a sunny little image, and then we're hit with the full force of the storm, much like a downpour in early September.
+ While I am squeamish, I can appreciate how effective your coffin imagery is.
Cons:
- I do not know if the structure is working for you here. I think it might actually be working against you. You put separation dots in unexpected places, and if you want to separate into sections, I think it would be best to separate these logically.
- You jump around in subjects a lot, which you can DO in poetry, but here, as your line implies, the poem doesn't make much sense. I understand it's about loneliness and believing that you were better off gone, but the message is not completely coherent.
I recommend using something like the roman numeral system to break this into three separate sections. You can keep the formatting if you want otherwise, but that would make more sense, and indicates to readers that you know some things might not fit together, but you would like them to draw conclusions and connections between all of the sections.
I'll put the opening line where I would break into sections:
I. When you make your brain a bedroom
II. have you ever been whole?
III. you realize you are a razor blade
- Your capitalization is inconsistent. If this was on purpose, please ignore.
Hope this helps! I'll move onto the next! Keep writing!
Points: 29096
Reviews: 862
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