Mariana ran from the tank and jumped into a ditch with her fellow soldiers. They all are terrified. This is the most Charvants they have ever seen in their entire careers.
"Mari, did you see anything?" one of the soldiers asked. Mari is their leader, and she had gone up for a quick scouting mission.
"No, I didn't see any more of our troops. They all were either captured or killed. I think we're the last ones left." Mari said. The troops all showed some sign of despair, and Mari rubbed one on his back.
"We will fight. Fight until there is nothing left of us but our honor and loyalty to America, our homeland. Who is with me?"
The troops are silent, until one stood. His name was Marcos, and he was Mari’s fiancée.
"I am. I will fight until my dying breath for my country.”
Mari smiled at her love, hiding a face of fear. “Who else?”
Slowly, the men stood. Some in fear, some just trying to be brave.
“It’s okay to be afraid,” Mari said. “We will not survive this fight. Our peers know that. No one expects us to return. I know this doesn’t sound like a pep talk to boost our moral, but I’m telling you the truth.” She took a breath. “So fight. Fight like there’s no tomorrow. Because there isn’t.”
Marcos smiled at her. “Shall we go up and fight now, Sargent?”
Mari walked over to him, kissed him, and stepped away. “Yes.”
She led the soldiers in a war cry, and they jumped out of their ditch, guns blazing. A Charvant turned and charged toward them.
A Charvant is a three-story tall tank with legs. It has missiles, lasers, throwing knives, and tons of other projectiles that will kill you in a flash.
The Charvant fired, alerting the other Charvants that there were still enemies left. Mari yelled, and started shooting the Charvant with her machine gun. It staggered, giving the other soldiers a chance to throw bombs and shoot at it. It collapsed and blew up, taking out two other Charvants that were coming over to kill the soldiers.
The men cheer, but their celebration doesn’t last long. Three more Charvants trudged through the fog. They fired and killed half of the men.
Mari screamed, a high-pitched guttural sound of pure anguish. Still screaming, she pulled out a bomb and threw it at the closest Charvant. While the bomb was still in the air, she shot it. She ran to Marcos and tackled him and another soldier next to him. A green wave shot through the air, and the three Charvants imploded.
The fighting continued like this for an hour, with the soldiers destroying a few Charvants, and then losing a chunk of men. Back and forth, back and forth until Mari, Marcos, two other soldiers, and twenty Charvants were all that were left.
The four of them huddled in a trench, trying to figure out a plan. Mari wiped away a tear.
“We’re done.”
The other three nodded.
She wept. “I-I’m sorry. I knew we wouldn’t make it, but I had a hope.” Marcos put his arm around her.
“Will we sit here or fight?” one of the men asked.
“It’s up to you, but I’m going to fight.” Marcos said, and he stood up, grabbing his gun. He jumped out of the trench and ran toward the enemy, the two soldiers following.
“Marcos!” Mari yelled, and jumped out after him. A Charvant fired, killing the other two men.
He shot a tank and threw a bomb at another. One fired.
Marcos turned to Mari.
Mari stared at him.
Marcos closed his eyes and died in the explosion, a red rose of destruction.
“NO!!” Mari screamed. She fell to her knees.
The Charvants turned to her. They started to shoot, but something stopped them. They marched toward Mari and stopped, forming a circle around her. She stared at the spot where Marcos had died, where his corpse lay smoking.
One of the Charvants shrunk, and came down to the ground, becoming a normal tank. The door opened, and some people came out with two stretchers. One came towards her, the other went to Marcos’s body and put him on it.
Mari felt something pierce her neck, and she grunted. Suddenly she felt woozy, and she collapsed, asleep.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Hi Momo its jay here to give you a review on what i read on i am mari
so lets get talk about it
First off wow this amazing lovely poem i had ever read Momo you did a great job Momo with a poem like this i am mari you should do some chapters along with that Momo
Second my compliment to your poem Momo is this was a pretty good chapter i would like to collab with you on Mari one day
Third how you can improve Momo is keep working and and good job on your work i really appreciate the good work Momo
keep writing by jay!! came a drop a review to you Momo on your work
Hey Momo/dancingontheclouds (not sure what to call you now)!
RandomTalks here with a review!
Wow...this was certainly a very intense chapter. I like how it goes off the rails and explores the past a bit. I feel that because of this flashback we get a deeper insight into Mari and Marcos and can connect and understand them better. It added emotion to the story and I feel that we know Mari on a deeper level now. I like that you did this through a flashback; the present wouldn't have conveyed the same emotion that this past memory did.
Mari had a really tragic life. I like how even before, she had her fiery determination with her. She was the leader of an army of men and she was loyal, determined and brave. She was not one to give up when the situation got tight, and I liked how she fought till the end. From what I understood, it seemed like they were seriously outnumbered and the literal last hope for their side. I wish you had provided more background for the war, so that we understood what they were fight against and why.
If I take a guess though, I am sure that the people who came with the stretchers would now take her to experiment on her. And given that Marcos is not alive and working on a farm with no memory of his fiancee I am going to guess that they did something to him as well. I wonder what is going to happen now...
I just wanted to say that this line was really brilliant. Especially the phrase 'red rose of destruction' - it was poetic and tragic, and I think it captured the emotions really well in just a few words.
That's all!
Keep writing and have a great day!
Thank you!
(you can call me Momo or dancer or clouds or majesty or whatever you want!)
MOMO, YOU BEAUTIFUL PERSON!!! <3 I've never read/reviewed any precious chapters, but I've been super interested in reading this after seeing you post about it on your wall! So I decided to check out this chapter! ^_^ and I'm just going to get straight into the review c:
Omg, I love the name Charvants! I'm assuming they are our "bad guys" here? Oh dear, poor soldiers.
My suggestion for this would be to show how the soldiers are terrified instead of saying it! Are they trembling? Pale face, clenched knuckles? Do some look like they're about to pass out? Did one of them throw up? Just some thoughts for you to consider :)
Ooh quick question, do we not know that Mari is the leader yet? This just seemed like a spot where I think it would be better for you to show that she's the leader instead of just saying it, as it seems to stand out - it's definitely not info-dumping, but I'm not sure how else to explain it cx
Have you considered making these into one paragrpah? Just a thought since it's the same speaker~
Okay but omg something is going to happen 0.0 someone's going to die, and it's going to be sad </3
Oops, you slipped into past tense here :p
Okay, so sorta the same thing here - you're identifying who all of these people are, but it's in a matter-of-fact way, instead of weaving it more subtly into the story, you know?
OKAY BUT PLEASE DON'T ACTUALLY DIE MARCOS
Okay wow, this is quite the different speech I've heard - instead of trying to inspire fighting by saying we still have a chance, she's inspiring fighting by saying this is the last chance they get to fight. I super like this paragraph, it's heartbreaking and makes me sad </3 this was really well done!
OKAY I COMPLETELY MISSED THE MARK IN MY BEGINNING STATEMENT XD so they aren't people, but machines! still bad though xD
I also think this is a bit info-dumpy. Show us all of this! You could describe how one of the soldiers was thrown by the projectiles and how the lasers tore through the sky, or something descriptive instead of stating it out! c:
I noticed you slipped into past tense in various places, so I tried to pick them all out for you! There are also several other places throughout the story where you switch tenses, so I would make sure to go back and pick them out! ^_^ <3
These Charvants do not seem like fun 0.0
I love this <33
Omg, Momo, you better not kill Marcos
MOMO!!! NOOOO HOW COULD YOU ;( rip Marcos, you will be remembered </3
instead of saying he died in the explosion, try something a bit less direct and more dramatic, like "his body was thrown in the air and slammed against the ground, knocking all life out of him" or something like that, I just wrote that off the top of my head xD
Also, I would love to know how Mari feels! She's probably caught up in the battle to mourn, but maybe you could take just a sentence or two to describe something about her - how her heart shattered as the bomb shattered him, or something xD
NOO CLIFFHANGER! I love how you chose to end it on this note - it's definitely going to make others want to come and read this (like me!!)
Ahh, Momo, I seriously love this story! Mari seems like such a cool character - I love how she's the leader of the troops c: and you have a sad death, which I love reading (although it breaks my heart). Your battle scene was pretty easy for me to visualize in my head, and I love the machines you invented in this story. In addition, I love the way you chose to end this chapter - very suspenseful, and I am seriously wondering who those people are 0.0 do they mean harm or good? Ahh, so many questions
Overall, I think this was a super enjoyable read! I hope to read more of Mari soon, and I hope this helped! c: <33
Thank you! This chapter is a flashback; the other chapters aren't like this.
I really liked your entry, I haven't read any pieces that belong to this story but I was able to understand the basics of what was happening because of the characters attitudes and the way they talked to each other which was awesome. When you pick up a random chapter in a book, you should be able to get a sense of what's happening and the characters relationships with each other which I think you did quite well on.
I think that you also conveyed a sense of belonging to Mari and her soldiers and the courage that Mari has.
Perhaps you could add more detail to what was happening, especially Marco's death and even when he rose up. How did Mari feel when her fiance stood up for her? What does he look like, what makes him different from the other soldiers? I think that answering these questions would really make the audience grow an attachment for Marcos and his death would really have an effect on the reader. I liked the line 'this is the most charvants they have ever seen in their entire life' because it makes the charvants appear a real problem that can be referred to with pain and anguish and concern in the audience, and a curiosity as to what they are.
'Perhaps when you said 'and tons of other projectiles that will kill you in a flash', you could perhaps be more formal and descriptive:
'and what seems like billions of different sharp-edged objects that threatened the soldiers
like the sting of a bee' but better
You could make a really nice simile to describe those weapons and what influence they had on Mari and the soldiers
Great writing
Thank you