Published April 25, 2015
We
are lips not quite sealed
arms to frail to be considered
pretty
faces that do not tell
of thoughts that circle through
tired veins.
We
are dry smiles
tame voices
words that know too well
not to be said out loud.
We
do not look up
when we walk down the street
legs bent violin strings
longing to be played
We
lie to our parents
the words tumbling
off raw tongues
that are too beaten
to tell the truth.
I want to be
beautiful
but we have eyes that
tell of mistrust
and hands
too calloused
to be dainty.
We do not let
our bruises be
caressed
by hands that
set hearts alight.
We are not beautiful
but at least
we know that.
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137,528 Literary Works • 672,042 Reviews
wow.
Enough said.
Gonna say it straight up front: this is beautiful. It flows nicely, and reads well aloud. I'm just going make a few comments on formatting, since that's the main thing that could be improved upon.
1. Split this up into stanzas, please. I'm not sure if you know how to do that on YWS or not - you probably do, but I'll tell you anyway. To make a new stanza, one simply has to press "enter," and the lines will be the width apart that they are right now. To make a new line in the same stanza, use shift+enter.
Here's an example of where I would separate your stanzas, and how to do that.
"We (shift+enter through the last line)
are lips not quite sealed
arms to frail to be considered
pretty
faces that do not tell
of thoughts that circle through
tired veins. (only "enter" here)
We (shift+enter)
are dry smiles
tame voices
words that know too well
not to be said out loud. (enter)"
And so on and so forth. Pretty much just make a new stanza every time you start a new line with "we," since those are the most logical breaks.
On to a couple nitpicks for better flow:
This is an oddity - it sounds good when read out loud, and I know what it's trying to say, but the actual wording doesn't make a lot of sense. I'd recommend changing it to something like "words that know too well
to be said out loud"
or
"words that know only too well
to not be said aloud."
Why did you use "I" here? I don't see a reason, and it would be more in keeping with the rest of the poem to use "we."
And that's it! Beautiful poem - I'd love to hear it read aloud. Good luck and keep writing!
fantasydragon01 in the house!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Great job on the poem. Write more, please.
Let's talk real. I enjoyed the poem. It was well-written, not to mention smooth. I like the concept of the story---all about "we". I saw one punctuation error. Please add a period to the end of ..."longing to be played". I also think that "We do not let our bruises" should be separated, meaning that the "we" should have its own space, like the other "we's". The same goes for the last "we". Other than that, great job and never give up.
Good luck and keep writing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Very truly yours,
fantasydragon01.
I love this poem. I think this is really cool. I love that all the phrases always start with we. However there are somethings we need to fix. Ha Ha get it we and the poem is called we. All right one things you need to fix is in the second line you need we are lips not quite sealed yet. Then in the next line you need to put arms to frail that are considered to be pretty. Then after that then you need to put have faces so it says that it fully say we have faces and the rest of your phrase. other than that it seems pretty good. Great job ! happy writing!