Your imagery is vague and disjointed. "This pain was not for me", is stated in the second stanza, but the idea of pain it relates to was touched on less than briefly in the preceding part.
The third stanza was rather obvious, and I think you could integrate it better with the rest of the poem and cut the stanza out altogether so it's not so much of a "here I am" statement.
These memories are forever
engraved on the Bodies
of your Deed, lying
in their desolate graves.
Forever there,
Forever forgotten.
I thought that this stanza came out of nowhere.
I think that it is unnecessary to capitalize anything that begins with a "D"
At the end, I couldn't empathize with you/your poem. It was more kinda like "oh, that happened? okay" than "oh my goodness, I can't believe that happened"
Points: 8413
Reviews: 816
Donate