Published June 18, 2007
*this is my rough...so any comments would be appreciated! Gracias!*
My Lifes Blood
rushes past
as the knife
of this world
cuts deeper,
and deeper,
into my soul.
My heavy soul
which was
once free
from the weight
of this earth,
but is now
held captive
in the cells
of this
black void
that is
my memory
of you.
---Lora
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139,463 Literary Works • 672,569 Reviews
ummm....yes thank you for the crits.
it is indeed a rough, so i will fix it accordingly. i am sorry if it wasn't as orginal as everyone would like it, but i wrote it like that.
.......gracias
---lora
I don't see many ideas here that haven't already been expressed. In other words, it seems to be a typical poem about cutting that doesn't even make me empathize with the subject.
The last few lines begin to drift into something interesting, the idea of being captive in a memory (though I know some won't agree with me), but it seems almost too little too late.
As you call this a "rough" I assume you're going to spruce it up. Good luck, and PM me if you have any questions.
Don't focus on how you feel. Focus on what has been done to you and make us feel your pain indirectly. So basically, what has "you" done to make the narrator hate life so much? Make it more narrative and it will automatically be better.
Navel gazing is when you write a poem that focuses entirely on yourself. They can also be called pity poems.
This poem has navel gazing written all over it. These types of poems aren't very good because they are written for the authors gratification, not for the enjoyment of the reader.
Guess what? If you don't think about your readers, then they won't think much of you either.
Good, but a bit cliched.
So you're saying that life is oppressive, and that love is cruel? Try summing up your poem like this and see if you've heard it before, I have.
Oh dear.
I won't correct grammar for the sake of it...
Any poem about cutting is (usually) not done well.. It's one of those topics that has been so dried up that it isn't interesting, unless you can do it originally and correctly. Make me care about the person, make me relate, and feel. Don't tell me about it...
I'm going to do something odd to your poem:
Now it's just a paragraph. What I'm demonstrating, is that this doesn't really have anything poetic about it other than the fact that it is in verse. There are no rhymes, no rhythm, the stanzas are (annoyingly) short, and the subject is bland and over done.
If you want to improve, start over is my suggest. Go for the feelings, not for the cutting and the dark room and the "you". Stab the reader in the heart with your words. Try and make me remember the worst day of my life. Twist the knife around, you know?
Best of luck.
My Life's Blood
rushes past
as the knife
of this world
cuts deeper, [No need for a comma here.]
and deeper,
into my soul.
My heavy soul
which was
once free
from the weight
of this Earth,
but is now
held captive
in the cells
of this
black void
that is
my memory
of you.
____________
This one is short but quite effective. There's a good use of capitalisation where you have 'Blood' and the imagery and vocabulary are simple but not too bad. It flowed well too so good job.